Posted by: Belinda | 2004/09/25


Well, things are bumping along...not at all a smooth experience crawling out of this mess...but at least they are moving...time passes. I've decided that although it was a horrible thing that I've done, and although I've crossed a line I've never even imagined myself glancing at, I'm going to forgive myself and move on. Self-hatred is too a paralysing and heavy (and useless) burden to carry around.And hating myself is not going to help me grow a "sound and functioning inner hawk" of my own! ( to quote you)
In the meantime I've decided that I am going to see a shrink (on Wednesday) and I've gotten -sort-of- used to my mom's nagging, which, by the way, is her way, I've discovered, of expressing extreme worry and concern. Also: she was, until before the store-incident, under the impression that I am functioning VERRRRRY well, (I lived with a mask of "I'm MORE than fine) so it came as a double shock to her. I also told her of my bulimia (which has NOT "disappeared", as she has been thinking...)
Well, that's about it!

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Our expert says:
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You're sounding more philosophical and realistic about matters, a good comnination. IF life seems a smooth experience, it generally means we're overlooking something. And of course, you're right, carrying about a burden of self-hatred, is like training to be a long-distance runner, while carrying a large iron anchor.
Good idea of yours to see a shrink. And, as you've realized, mom's who are actually worried and concerned, don't have a wide range of ways in which to express that. And now you've admitted to being less than perfect ( join the club !) and to the bulimia, you've made the most critically important first steps on the path to setting yourself free from the problems you've been burdened by. I hope you find your shrink to be an able guide along that path !
Keep in contact with us on the forum --- I'm sure I won't be the only one who'll be pleased to hear of your progress, even if it gets a bit bumpy at times. The others will probably agree, once they return from their Long Weekends !

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