Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/22

The question of what one wants and unconditional love

Hi all,
J, Hope you read this. What you explained under my previous posting regarding pushing someone that loves you to unusual limits because of being unsure whether it is real or not, I have done that and perhaps am doing it again, however he seems to be taking it in his stride, that is bf2. BF1 suspects that things have moved on between us, however for some strange reason is calling often now, said's we need to talk and he wants to be friends. I have said I want to speak to him but I am not ready yet, he will have to wait and feel what it feels like not to take top priority. (Nasty I know, but it feels good)
BF2 has his head screwed on right it seems and I do not want to loose him thus going to try very hard to stop hurting myself and try to deal with the past. (He cleaned all my wounds for me and suggested I phone him and find something to rant and rave about to him - I can't but am really going to try not to do anything today)

I do have a question though for cybershrink. Firstly Hi and thanks, trying to decide what I want and will hopefully find out soon. My question is can memories actually flash in full colour through one's mind? It is nerve racking and feels like it is happening all over again, is it normal? (The urge to then feel pain doubles and if I control it, I laugh so that it sounds like a witch -- very hard and cold and I literally switch all emotions off -- don't feel a thing)

J, unconiditional love is not too difficult to give, I just need to learn to give it to the right type of person and not the a..hole's out there that want to manipulate me and make me their puppet and I really and sincerely hope that the new bf in my life will not change and become like that.

I know some of the things I say seem contradictory, to me anyway, but I tend to go from one extreme to the next within seconds.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT,
Pleased to hear that bf 1 is apparently being understanding, and that bf2 is being excellent. memories are odd things, which is why I generally recommend caution about therapists who are too profoundly interested in Memories and digging for them rather than dealing realistically with current issues ; because one can be very open to subtle suggestions from a therapist with expectations about what OUGHT to lie in the past, and can not merely remember things that actually DID happen, but can also create clear "memories" of things that actually didn't happen at all. And both types of "memory" can on occasion work like a cinematic "flashback", in the way you describe.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/22

Hi BT,

Glad to hear you're doing well. I just want to add my 2cents worth, if you don't mind...
We hardly ever stop searching for what we want, thats why most of us are here, because we always find that we want more. We are also always trying to be better. I find thats one of the reasons we have all these questions that we need to answer... Anyway, I have a few pointers/sayings/suggestion here that might be of benefit to you. Either way, it makes for some good reading:-
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older,
their conversational skills will be as Important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.

You have a great day now hear,

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/22

I have also pushed the one I love to unusual limits. I need to continuously make sure that he loves me. When I started cutting myself I convinced myself that this was going to be IT. The one thing that will scare him and show him that he doesn't love me. I was so wrong. His behaviour was the opposite of what I expected. He has opened up to me and helped me talk to him, and our relationship has moved to a whole new level. Something I have never ever experienced in my life. It's very scary letting someone into my world, so closely, but at the same time, I am relieved that he passed my "test". I am hopefully past testing, and learning to accept that I am loveable.
He is the first man to tell me things about myself that others have not even realised before.
I know he love me for who I am and it's a brilliant feeling. Unconditional love is possible to the extent that you love a person for who they are and can look past those characteristics that annoy you, but at the same time, don't allow yourself to be lost and are able to fully express yourself. Love can only be unconditional, in my opinion, if it is mutually expressed.

Reply to Chelle

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