Posted by: ANON | 2005/12/05


Before I got married to my wife I was quite the ladies man and would always have different woman's numbers on my phone,
After we got married about a year ago I stopped flirting and chatting up woman, my wife has always felt Insecure even when we just started dating about 3 yrs ago, some people she knew discouraged her and said that I a real dog and just used woman and that I would do the same to her.
The problem that I know have is that she is so insecure that she does not believe a single word I say and I dont know how to show this woman that I have changed and that I am commited to her. She is so insecure that she accuses me of having affairs and she says that she will also have an affair to get back at me,,,when she says this I get some tense and I just dont kow what to do, It has no gone to the point that I dont trust her and I feel that she will cheat on me because of her Insecurities. She is a very attactive women and I know that there are alot of guys that will jump at a oppurnity to be with her, I recently found sms on her cell that she had sent to another guy saying that she misses him and that she cant wait to see him again...I have asked her about this and she said that she was just playing a game with this guy and nothing happened and she than turns it around and starts bringing up things that happended in the past when I usto flirt before we were married.
Is it fair of her to flirt with other guys because I did it before we got married ? I have been under a lot of stress lately (money problems, which she is aware off) and have not been taking care of her feelings and the way I speak to her and maybe she took it that I have someone outside our marraige that I am flirting or having a affair with ?
Just dont know what to think about this ? I thought that we had buried the past and it seems that she has not, how can she think that what she did was right because I did it before we were married ? How do I know if she has cut ties with this guy ? he knows that she is married and I guess that they will be more careful if they still want to see eachother...I am now the Insecure one ? will this be the end of us ?

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Our expert says:
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Mariage counselling would be the quickest and most effective way of handling these issues. For varying reasons, you both have insecurities about trusting the other, and need to work on this together, with the counsellor. Of course tit for tat infidelities or threats of infidelity are never admitable or helpful.

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Our users say:
Posted by: JAY | 2005/12/05

Your wife was obviously a lot more aware of your goings on than you may have cared to know. You're bearing the brunt of your own actions.

Give her time, but also go to the trouble of making her feel special and loved. Keep your roving eye (and every healthy hetro man has one) for when you're walking to the corner cafe. A woman in her position needn't see your appreciation for other women now.

Trust is earned. Being completely open and transparrent about where you are, whom you are with and keeping to times (i.e. "Honey, I'll be home by 7pm") is really important in such an instance.

Reply to JAY
Posted by: ANON | 2005/12/05

Thanks for the advise, somehow I still believe in my wife and marraige and think that things can still be rescued...maybe only time will tell.

Reply to ANON
Posted by: Ness | 2005/12/05

I can fully understand how your wife feels. As a woman I can tell you that it eats away at us until we become ugly with insecurity. But think for a minute. If she did not love you any more she would not give a hoot who you flirting with. I don't think she is having an affair. There are men out there that can smell a unhappy woman a mile off and they take advantage. I think you wife is just looking for an ego boost from someone who is new, exciting, with no past and has not hurt her.

I think you need to write her a letter, just as you have here. Make her a romatic dinner, light candles play some music and give her the letter. Let her take time to read it, absorb it and think about it. While she is doing that run her a bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine. She needs to feel like a princess again, if you want her to act like one, show her she is one.

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/05

In any relationship, you cannot have ANYTHING without trust. That is the basic building block. After that comes communicaion. The two of you don't seem to have either. My suggestion is, if both want the relationship to continue, is seek counselling. Otherwise it is dead.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Jakes | 2005/12/05

I do not know, but take heed of what SR said. Gonna take some time to restore trust and hard work and sensitivity and honesty from both of you.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: ANON | 2005/12/05

Forgot to mention, she now ignores me and gets angry when I try to talk about this problem.

Reply to ANON
Posted by: SR | 2005/12/05

Anon = Woman can play the game twice as well as men, beware.

Reply to SR

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