Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

The next day

Life goes on and it does not wait for any of us. So, yesterday morning the sun rose on us and I had to look the world in the eyes and make the best of it all.

Me, in denial?
No way! I ran through those 5 stages in n matter of days and accepted the situation. On acceptation you can do two things…  Fall back to bargaining or actually DEAL with the situation. That’ s how I see it in any case.

SO, stop advising me I should leave her, I will not leave her. We are working through this together. It’ s never over before it’ s over. Or as we say on the sport field, You play until the whistle blow, and no bodies whistle was blown… 

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Our expert says:
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Its obviously your choice, so make it work.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2011/02/25

Chris said he used to know him because he did, but they are no longer in touch!
Can you not read, are you stupid or what?

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: BulletWithButterflyWings | 2011/02/25

Good luck buddie!

Reply to BulletWithButterflyWings
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/25

Chris, No Idea. Why do you say used to know?

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Chris758 | 2011/02/25

Your case sounds like someone I used to know in Cape Town. I wonder if it is you? P...?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Ex NBF | 2011/02/24

Hs question was relevant in the circumstances.
Tinas sensible suggestion was knocked down.
It tooks days before you gave very pertinant information relating to your problem.
I am not sure what you are looking for on this forum.
I shall not be reading or responding to your posts going forward.

Reply to Ex NBF
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

Tina, If I take the " full frontal"  approach at this stage. Although it would be to safe her... I''ll loose her!!

Futhermore, she just had the scrip renewed (with a lighter dosage) in December. But obviously all of this now puts her in an low episode and almost a Major episode.

PS, Maybe I should be taking her meds too. Maybe thats what i need

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Tina | 2011/02/24

Phone the shrink and explain the problem. He can then tell her he is unable to leave a script at the front desk as he wishes to see her before prescribing further meds. She does not have to know you contacted him.As she cannot get out of bed or brush her teeth she needs to see a shrink as her meds are not working.
It is your responsibility as a husband to ensure she gets medical attention.

Reply to Tina
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

NBF, To be more technacally correct then: " Yeah we discussed it afterwards..."  But I did not tell her most of the consultation was about how I should handle her depression.

As far as her Shrink is concerned, she has not seen him in the last 12 months... He just leaves the pre-script at reception.
That is the whole issue. I can not pick her up and go drop her at her Shrink... She needs to get to that point by herself... and that is MY task and responsability.

About my " go"  as CS. I did not understand his reply and I asked about it... No hard feelings, he explained!

That is a low blow and totally unasked for!

Reply to Andre
Posted by: NBF | 2011/02/24

Earlier when l asked you if you discussed your therapy with your wife you stated quote
Yeah we discussed it afterwards... But not all of it.
Now you ask quote
So, how can I tell her, I went to the counselor
Being untruthful is confusing and deflating for those who are offering support.

Reply to NBF
Posted by: H | 2011/02/24

been tested fot std''s yet?

Reply to H
Posted by: NBF | 2011/02/24

Its is extremely disapointing you failed to divulge your wifes derpression, we are trying to support you yet you with hold very relevant information.What does your wifes Shrink advise, surely he can steer her into therapy.
Hopefully your therapist is liasing with her shrink.
It is becoming increasinly difficult to understand you, you even had a go at CS.
How do you want us to support you,going forward.

Reply to NBF
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

Therefore. This whole deal has put her in a REALLY deep low, and I now HAVE to be the strong one. The truth is, I''m not! I''m just as weak at this stage but I realise that I can not leave her in her low, cause no one will pick her up from there. I have to!! Me, it''s only me, no one else!

So, how can I tell her, I went to the counselor cause I do not know how to get you out of this low. Do you think she''ll catch a skrik and say " oh yes, I want to go to the counselor too" ??? Come on! She does not even want to get out of bed. To brush teeth is too mush of an effort.

Any case, there you go. Do you see the full picture now?

PS, remember she have lost alot through this aswell and because her mistake " shows"  does not make her worse than some of us who''s mistakes is maybe on a different level....

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

PS. Maybe False inpressions in the wrong choice of words. The point is. We do not go out for dinner, or go do something fun in the middle of the week because a want to... Yeah I want to have fun, but I do it because it keeps her out of the lows.

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Tina | 2011/02/24

To Cutie
How can not holding your wife to her wedding vows be good?
Marriage is all about commitment!
I would never advise anyone to leave a marriage, it is a decision only he can make. But she is not coming to the party by just ignoring it whilst he goes to therapy on his own. This makes no sense.
He should only hang in there if she makes some effort to solve the problems,he cannot fix this without her buy in.
It would be great to be in a marriage where we did not have to do anything we did not want to do. But marriage is about compromise and commitment. Not just doing as you like no matter how much pain it causes your husband.

Reply to Tina
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

Hi all. As the husband of a wife that suffers from depression there is certain " duties"  one take upon yourself. Not that you have to, but because you WANT to. The times your partner is on a high its unbelievable, but then when the low, and sometimes the real deep lows hit - you do ANYTHING it takes to pull your partner out of that. The last thing the person with depression need to know is that you are trying to be their " saviour"  or even that the slightest thing is because you. Ag wat de hel. Die persoon aan die ander kant wat die " redder"  speel kan niks soos moeite laat lyk nie. Alles moet so natuurlik as moontlik wees en gebeur. Else she''ll fall into a low just because all in a sudden everything is built over false impressions.

Does that make sense? Do you all now understand?

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Shaz | 2011/02/24

You need to do what makes you happy! No one wants your relationship to fail. Yes, some peeps only have useless comments, but just ignore them. Wishing you all the best with your relationship.

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: H | 2011/02/24

haha somebody''s whistle was indeed blown nudge nudge wink wink.....lucky lover

Reply to H
Posted by: Cutie | 2011/02/24

Hi ANdre

Well done. You are handling this the correct way. You are giving her space, you are not forcing her to make commitments or do anything that she does not want to do and last but not least You are hanging in there!!
I am so proud of you for telling everyone to stop telling you to leave her !!

Great ! I am holding thumbs for you.

Reply to Cutie
Posted by: Chris758 | 2011/02/24

Did she say she is sorry and that she still loves you and are willing to save your marraige?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Asking | 2011/02/24

I know you cannot make her do anything but you must be asking yourself why she is not keen to fully engage to resolve the problem.
To keep this marriage together needs imput from both sides so it does seem unreasonable that she is not participating?
I admire your resolve to repair the relationship but cannot see how you can say you are working through this together when you clearly are not on the same page.
I am not critizing you but your post does not make sense. Also to state there are some issues she does not need to know seems odd.
How can you have a happy marriage if one partner is not even aware off all the issues?
We are supportive but your posts are vague.I doubt very much that she would recognize her story on this site as your real name is almost certainly not Andre.

Reply to Asking
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

I don''t want to repeat all from my previous 3 postings. The long and the short is there is 3 issues here. 1 My own, 2 Her own and 3 Ours. My own I have a choice what to do, Her''s I can not make her do anything, 3 Needs one and two to get to 3... Does that make sense?

Not discuss all cause I believe some issues she does not need to know. As I said above there is one more issue but the moment i say that HERE, she''ll know Andre is me and the " wife"  is her...

Reply to Andre
Posted by: Asking? | 2011/02/24

You say you are working through this together. As she has not left you and appears to want to make up ,why is she not joining you in therapy?
Why did you not discuss all your therapy, you would expect her to be fully involved in a reconciliation?
It does not sound as if she is as commited to rebuilding this relationship.

Reply to Asking?
Posted by: Andre | 2011/02/24

NBF - Thanks for that. Yeah we discussed it afterwards... But not all of it. Uhm...
I really don''t want her to log onto this site (which she somethimes does) and read all about " us"  here. That being said. I really wish I could get her to see somebody too... But I can not MAKE her. Big Sigh!

Reply to Andre
Posted by: NBF | 2011/02/24

Great to hear you are so optomistic. How did the therapy go? Did you and your girl friend have a converstion last night re your session?
Those of us who offer support do not wish your relationship to end but for you both to be happy whatever the outcome.

Reply to NBF
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/24

Its obviously your choice, so make it work.

Reply to cybershrink

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