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Question
Posted by: Doreen | 2007/11/29

The Mind of an abuser - What goes on?

Dear Doc

I am married to a very loving and caring husband. We have a great family. I could say that we are a great success.

I, however, found our life so very boring and suffocating to my life and goals. I then started hanging with my friends. We are ladies, most of whom are unmarried and therefore, they use their single status to go on wild nights about town, have drinks and often "hook-up" with people and especially men for fun and getting laid.

My husband never liked this kind of lifestyle. I never understood him. I felt like a rebelious teenage child. This made him insecured. I thought it would make him change and listen to me and do as I aks and not "argue" anything I say. basically I just wanted to feel special and desired from my husband.

I must add that I am not good at talking and listening, he says. He is right, maybe. I always want him to hear my story and say yes, with no questions asked.

my husband just got so frustrated by our difference of opinions and the ongoing fighting and me walking out and make myself sexy and want to go out there. He went to therapies and support group. he became a different person. only that, that person became abusive i think, because he learnt to hide his soft spots and control them and his emotions and anger and had little or not expectations of me. he would even say to me that I can go out with my friends and if men want to flirt, that is fine. He wont expect much, he says that he can't do anything if I do something while with friends or behind his back. So he withdrew, well, not really but he was not furious about me going out until 5 a.m. He would only look after our two boys.

So, one day I left to friends and I said that I was just going for a walk at the beach. he asked if he could come over. I then told him that I chose not to go there anymore, I am at Pam's place., He did not make any further communication. He stayed home, put his phone on silent and never answered any calls.

I got angry that he "ignores" my calls, I came home and grabbed his phone, he got really angry for the first time since his training and therapy whatever. he shouted that he had to put up with me and my wayward behavior. he respected my space and allowed me to do whatever I wanted to do. Now I am pushing it by grabbing his phone and want to express my anger to him; he had contained his anger and frustrations because I am always out with friends.

I chatted back and it was hot shouting, then he let go and slapped me three times. He was then very sorry and apologised.

I know that abuse, is abuse. I want to know, what goes on in the mind of an abuser that leads him or her to be violent for instance? Is it true that they become physically abusive because they run of words, ideas and go blank and hit you? What goes in his mind especially in a situation like this? He tried for months not to be ever drawn to arguments and fights with me. he would give in to anything I ask for. That must have been too much of him that he let go of. Could that have been frustrating to him?

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Our expert says:
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If you truly seek to understand the mind of an abuser, look within yourself.
I don't understand your way of thinking, and tend to agree with Vickee, Maria and RP. How could you "not understand" your husband objecting to you going out with a group of slutty pals to het drunk and laid ? What sort of marriage would it be if he found that acceptable behaviour on your side ? What you were doing to him was abusive --- you were the abuser, at the start.
You are not any longer a rebellious teenage child --- you're a grown and married woman --- with 2 children. Can't you tell the difference ? By what sort of twisted logic do you go out boozing and sleeping with others all night if you want to be "desired" by your husband ? You expect unconditional and unquestioining agreement from him, whatever you do or say. That is totally unreasonable and unrealistic. And then you describe him as "abusive" because he stopped getting angry or emotional when you were abusing him and your marriage ? It sounds as though your main intentions were to anger and hurt him, and you grew frustrated when he didn't display anger and hurt. And you get cross with him when he doesn't take your hurtful calls ?
You have been amazingly lucky to have a saintly husband who, according to your own story, has had to put up with cruel provocation and neglect by you, of him and the children. Many men would have been far more physically violent towards you. I'm not saying that physical violence between spouses is acceptable, but you are describing a long program of intolerable provication by you, and a very limited response by him.
If you have the slightest scrap of human intelligence, how can you describe all tis and then ask whether this could have been frustrating to him ? Of course it was, and it would probably be very hard for you to find ways to be more frustrating to him.
I feel very sorry for him and for your children --- the woman you describe is a lousy wife and a dreadful mother. He should continue with counselling and consult a lawyer to free himself and the children from an uncaring wife and mother. You sound utterly selfish and lacking in any form of consideration for others, immature and uncaring.
So, to return to your question, why are you an abuser ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Leez | 2007/11/30

I am totally against abuse of any kind. However, in this instance, he should have slapped you MORE than three times......!!!!!

Reply to Leez
Posted by: mjaremana | 2007/11/30

i would have really bought a gun and shoot you, for real this is no joke. had it been me you would long be dead. i mean you are just a lucky case of a severely abused husband.

Reply to mjaremana
Posted by: married | 2007/11/29

Doreen are you for real??? Your husband must have the patience of a saint, its you who are and have been abusing him by your behaviour! Lets face it put the shoe on the other foot and how would you feel if you were the one staying home looking after the kids and he was the one going out with single friends and only coming home at 5am!!!

You seriously need to decide whether you want a single lifestyle or a marriage. You can't mix the two!! YOu have responsibilities of children, you are a mother and a wife.

I don't blame your husband loosing it!

You have lost the plot woman!

Reply to married
Posted by: RP | 2007/11/29

You guys both need some serious counseling. You come home at 5am after going out with friends who are wanting to jol, meet men and most likely get laid?? You are crazy! How can you expect him to accept that! If I was your husband I would tell you to go take a jump! You need therapy together to sort out what you want out of this marriage.

Reply to RP
Posted by: Maria | 2007/11/29

Doreen, I can't tell you exactly what went on in his mind, but you certainly provoked him. What is it that you expect from him? You are married, you're not single and you are hurting your husband and your marriage by living in a way that excludes him and which he disapproves of. If your marriage is important to you, go see a marriage counseller with your husband to help you sort out your differences. Otherwise get divorced, so that he can find a woman who is a better "fit" for him.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Vickee | 2007/11/29

I suppose you wont like my answer but it appears you NOT your hubby is the abuser - you have abused his trust, emotions and his love for you. Out of frustration he raised his hand to you - obviously with your behaviour pushed him that far. Time to make up your mind - either change your ways and become a wife again or divorce him so that you can party your life away!!

Reply to Vickee

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