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Question
Posted by: sideways | 2005/12/05

The habit

In all my relationships past and present I have noticed a terrible pattern. Fisrstly, I continue to attract woman that come from absuive backgrounds which is completely the opposite to mine. I come from a fabulously loving family. Secondly, I give of myself completely in all relationships. I treat the woman like princesses and truly provide my entire heart and everything else I can. Thridly, eventually everything breaks down and I end up feeling a wolrd of pain and struggling for ages to recover. Finally, during the period of recovery my heart hurts so much that although I know I did nothing wrong I become self destructive. I drink way too much, I party all the time, I hook up with girls for one night stand and ultimately end up feeling guilty and sad. I continue this until I hit rock bottom and only then do I start to recover. This always happens with me. How do I stop behaving like this and learn to deal with heartache better? The pain is simply always unbareable for me.

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Our expert says:
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Well, you've made rucially important initial progress in recognizing these paterns. CBT counselling would be the best way to work towards understanding and changing these to more useful and adaptive patterns.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sideways | 2005/12/05

Thank you all. Frusty I have just come out of such a relationship. I'm mortified. Cherry i wish you all the best in getting out of yours. Sipho I hear you and appreciate your advice.

Reply to sideways
Posted by: Sipho | 2005/12/05

Hi Sideways

Just came from one such experience, i'm not sure whether i 'm "over" it. This is how i coped, thanks to the advice from my therapist:
Avoid alcohol at all cost - zero consumption
Avoid meaningless sex/ or prematurely getting invlopved in another realtionship - this simply incites feeling os guilt and remorse.
Take a walk
Go to the gym ./ or hobby
Talk / talk and more talk to good friends
Take a walk at the malls or sumting. For me this helped...i'm not over her yet but i made a DECISION to start living. Hope this helps!!

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/05

Well, sideways, I think now that you have identified your "habit", maybe you can start taking steps to avoid it. Some people just have the "broken wing" syndrome, in that they tend to attract people with problems. It is actually a feather in your cap because you are obviously a very caring person and someone who is willing to listen and help others. Your downfall seems to be falling in love with the person in need. What you have got to realise is that when someone is or has come from an abusive relationship, whether physical or emotional, the first person they get involved with is merely a crutch. Do not allow yourself to be the crutch.

Secondly, if you do, by some twist of fate, end up hurt again, you know now what you tend to do, so avoid all these things. My first suggestion is to find a sport of hobby that you can immerse yourself in.

The second suggestion is that you avoid alcohol at all costs. It only makes things worse.

Have you just come out of such a relationship, by any chance?

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Cherry | 2005/12/05

I'm in a relationship with a guy with an abusive background, but I'm like you - lucky to have grown up wonderfully. I also give everything.. my whole heart and everything else.. I compromise, I give up so much to make this person happy... yet, it's a dead end, if I want to realize it, or not... So we break up and I'm shattered, floored, numb, I take weeks and weeks to feel even the slightest bit better.. I don't go out and drink etc like you do, but I also feel like I'm never, ever going to feel better again.. and then I go back to him. Can't get out of this one... Think I'm going to have to pack my stuff and go far away.

Reply to Cherry

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