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Question
Posted by: desperate man | 2007/08/24

The girlfriend, the ex and our sex

Cs, guys, I need your advice please.

I have been seeing this wonderful woman for 4 months now and all is well in our relationship on many levels. We are great friends and the friendship is always growing. We have fun together, we laugh, we play, we have great conversations and we generally love being together. I must also say that we communicate openly about all things and our relationship benefits enormously from the fact that we both believe so much in honest communication.

However, we have one serious problem. The story is that she was in a 6 year relationship before me. That relationship ended over 3 years ago and she spent the last 3 years single and certainly seems completely over it on many levels except one very important one. The ex emotionally abused her by always telling her she was bad in bed, that she was too conservative and even when she did perform she wasn't any good. He cheated on her 3 times, once in front of her. He even told her that the reason he cheated on her was because she was so non sexual, so boring in bed and really made no effort etc. As a result, I now have a girlfriend that is often not in the mood for sex, when she is she takes forever to derive any pleasure from foreplay etc. because she is constantly thinking about her performance. She takes my not doing something as a personal insult. For example, if I don't go down on her it's because she refuses to wax/tidy up her pubic hair and this disgusts me so much that it is the reason I don't go down on her often. I must say that she is indeed very conservative in bed. She doesn't moan with pleasure, she can't orgasm from sex and thus informs me that my penetrating her isn't the be all and end all fo everything. She only orgasms from foreplay which must go on for ages. She doesn't like to give oral sex but takes it very personally if I don't give it. She doesn't like being kissed too much etc.

I am actually almost off sex with her because I see it as a huge stress. It's like a major task and I need to be so careful of what I say and do during it because it may result in her misunderstanding me and withdrawing further. What do I do? I want the relationship to last, I want to be with her but the sex side is very important to me and it is certainly not satisfactory and it's also very difficult to even speak to her about it. As a result of all of this I am questioning whether or not I should stick it out. I wonder if we have hope and if the relationship will actually last or will it eventually come to a head and end because of this? I thus hold back emotionally and refuse almost to fall in love with her. She admits that as a result of her past she has sexual issues but she seems to almost be telling me that I must deal with them. She also goes on about how she refuses to let sex be an issue etc. Fact of the matter is, is that it is. Please advise. Should I suggest she see someone? If so who? A sexologist? A psychologist? She is a psychologist herself by the way. What do I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You know, dm, in some important ways she is right, and not so conservative as you portray her. Real sex is about you pleasuring her in the way she enjoys, not merely about you getting off in the way you want to. Foreplay is an important part of a sexual relationship, for both parties, and penetration indeed is not the be-all and end-all of it.
If she is a psychologist, she must understand some aspects of this. Suggest that the pair of you see a srelationship counsellor, first, and explore whether she wouldn't deserve and benefit from some individual counselling, to helpher recover from the selfishly abusive relationship she experienced previously.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Vava | 2007/08/26

Skill, baba, skill,if she has to stop you during foreplay,not good at all,your not good, get it?!!Yu have to set the mood to get her in the mood.Stop faffing about her shaving or waxing for some ladies its painful.Make her forget her ex nd the neg.things don't put pressure on her. Go down on her nd leave her,she'l beg you to do her,polish your skills,LIPS,HIPS and FINGERTIPS!

Reply to Vava
Posted by: Joey | 2007/08/24

Yeah - I agree with Lims totally. You've only known her for 4 months and sounds like you have a relationship worth working for. Be patient and learn more about likes and dislikes and dont make too much of an issue out of it. Your libido is totally different to hers and shes not thinking the same way as you. If I'm in the mood I can conjure up all kinds of things to do, but when I'm not - forget it. When my husband and I first met it took about a year for us to become sexually compatible - being that he had the patience to work with me, so to speak, until he had learned how to get me to enjoy all the things - reckon he saw it as a bit of a challenge. Don't give up and dont make an big issue out of it, it will only make it worse as Lims has said - the wall will just get higher. Your relationship is just in the beginning stages and it looks like the two of you could really fall totally in love if you or her have'nt already, then you'll probably see a great improvement in your sex life and you'll laugh at this difficult beginning. Good luck

Reply to Joey
Posted by: Lims | 2007/08/24

I disagree with Anon.If you could(or she could open up)open her heart and mind you'll find that she is so desperate to full fill you in any way she could.But due to her past she can't.The more desperate she feels the pressure from you to satiesfy you the more she fails,the more she builds up the protective walls and the thicker they become. I bet you, she doesn't even masturbate in her own privacy.
The solution is patience and more patience....Intimacy without sex if you know what I mean.its going to be blooady frustrateting for you.but slowly and surely the walls that she has build around her will come down and she will respond.But it takes a lot of loving,of caring and of patience. DO YOU LOVE HER THAT MUCH TO DO THAT FOR HER.....??

Reply to Lims
Posted by: anon | 2007/08/24

shame i feel for " deperate man" coming from a women and seem
to understand where he comes from. He seems to have tried
to be understanding of her problems but she is also not playing her role now making Deperate man feel like his done soemthign wrong. Coming from a psycholigist she should know better. It
works both ways. She does seem like she is putting too much
stress on the relationship. I say talk to her and tell her exactly
how she makes u feel without coming on too strongly and take it
from there. U seem to be trying real hard, and she is not playing her part or paranoid about certain things.
Best of luck.

Reply to anon
Posted by: DJFHGDH | 2007/08/24

Opinion - u hit the nail on the head. DOn't mean get this? There is nothing worse than the constant whining and nagging for sex as well as the constant groping and kissing. Damn straight it puts one off. Also the constant issues with sex are the ultmate turn-off. Why not do sthing else like go for walks or anything else that doesnt involve sex. The rest will come after that

Reply to DJFHGDH
Posted by: Opinion | 2007/08/24

Desperate man,

I t sounds like my relationship......I also do NOT like sex.

And here is why.

It is not that men don't try, and not that they are not good enough, it is simply a mental block from our side. We are convinced over the years that we are no good and our bodies are nothing but extremely yuk, by a man who had no respect for himelf or others.

It takes time and believe me, a hell of a lot of effort, just to pretend that you are in the mood. And, contrary to popular belief on this site, no amount of relationship counselling is going to help. I tried.

Please have patience, and gentle and ask a few questions. Be loving outside the bedroom without wanting to kiss and touch all the time - it puts ladies like us right off. Rather do the dishes, it's more constructive. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but it is indeed a looooooooong road to recovery. Ask her rather to drop you a note if she feels like a massage and when she's completely relaxed in mind and body....well, enjoy......

Reply to Opinion
Posted by: P | 2007/08/24

Well, desperate, then you made a lousy job of trying to explain something to us

Reply to P
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/08/24

Hi desperate man, she could also do with a medical check up sometimes hormones could also be the cause. I really hope it works out for the two of you. Maybe you should stick it out, she sounds worth it, the ex sounds like a real nasty one.

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: Been there - from the female side | 2007/08/24

Hi There

I've been where your girlfriend is - my story's a little different though, I was sexually abused when I was 16 (I'm 26 now), my ex boyfriend always had an issue with the sexual part of our relationship. He also told me that I was boring in bed and how good all the other girls were that he had been with.

We broke up just over a year ago and in that time I;ve met a really amazing guy.... And I now enjoy sex and actually want it...

I totally agree that sex is an important - not the most important - but an important part of the relationship.

I don't think you should make it seem like a "big issue" becasue when my ex did that - it made me feel worse and that he was putting pressure on me....You're supposed to be relaxed not stressed during sex...

Maybe start back at the beginning of the physical part of your relationship - take it slow and foreplay doesn't always have to end up in actual sex.... Let her know that you think she's beautiful.

I had to re learn the whole affectionate and physical side of a relationship and because I wasn't pressurised into it and we took it slow it's actually the most amazing thing and I only now realise how much I was missing out on.

If her ex told her she was bad in bed etc I think the last thing you should do is tell her you're not happy with the sexual side of your relationship but thats just my opinion and I may be totally wrong.

Oh and I also NEVER wanted to give oral sex, i'm actually quite keen to do it now... Because i feel secure enough to know that even if i'm REALLY bad at it - my boyfriend isn't there just for that...

Sorry dunno if i've been much help but good luck and if you have everything else in your relationship - it's worth taking it slow and helping her re learn the LOVING physical side of relationships

Reply to Been there - from the female side
Posted by: desperate man | 2007/08/24

Tx CS, EK and P. DJFHGDH- you sadly didn't understand anything I said.

I agree CS that foreplay is super important and I am more than willing to partake in this. The problem is that as I am performing various acts of foreplay she actually eventually stops me because she feels that it is taking forever and it's ultimately getting nowhere because she can't relax and I am going to get tired. I do nothing to hint I am tired etc. I think I really do need to discuss counselling with her and we can take it from there.

Reply to desperate man
Posted by: EK | 2007/08/24

She might feel like u r attcking her so tell her upfront that u r not her enemy

Reply to EK
Posted by: EK | 2007/08/24

Take her out for coffee, insist on talking about it. Once u have cracked her, she will open up (that is actually healing for her in itself)

Reply to EK
Posted by: P | 2007/08/24

I'm no help to you.

It just shows how important sex is, you've made a point to indicate how nicely the two of you get along in other areas of the relationship, and that is completely forgotten when one reads about your sexual frustration.

For one, her inability to enjoy herself, not being positive regarding sex and not giving you a great time in bed, puts you completely of sex, which is natural.

I think it will be difficult enough for her to rectify the situation whith professional help, but obviously you cannot help her, the issue is to sensitive, you are on the receiving end, anything you say or react on is seen as an attack on her.

And you suffer because of her inability to relax, be positive and enjoy her and your body.

I suppose it is like getting an alcaholic to turn away from alcahol. Firstly he must admit he has a problem and have the urge to turn away from it. As difficult as it is for her admiiting she has to change, the fact that she does not really enjoy sex, means she does not really know what she is mkissing out on, that is also the reason why she says sex is not a big issue. Plus the fact that to change her feeling regarding her body and sex will take some doing.

Hopefully you can get her (through her own free will) to see a spesialist in this regard.

Other problem is that the more you nudge her to do something about it the more negative she will become and thye more unworthy she will feel.

Ag! Ek is bly ek het nie sulke probleme nie! Ander wel.

Reply to P
Posted by: DJFHGDH | 2007/08/24

Cant you men get it into your heads: not all women like sex and its not all a relationship is about. Go to a relationship expert man to sort yourself and your woman out

Reply to DJFHGDH

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