Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/09/21

The forgiveness and trust issue. post 11075

I have agree with allot Kernel has said.
How many times can one truly forgive and forget? I once heard a saying which I think is quite true. It goes like this " if someone hurts you once it's their fault - if they hurt you twice it's your fault"
One can say you have forgiven but the fact that you cannot forget implies that you have not really forgiven either. Just something to ponder on.
Trust is a hard one - once it's gone things will never truly be the same again.
It hurts having your trust betrayed.
It hurts even worse when you've broken someone's trust. And there is nothing in the world you could do to fix it. I hurt someone I care very much about. I did not even think what I did would get the reaction I did. I thought I was protecting myself ( emotionally). I told a lie to get to the truth. I did not know this would hurt him or cause him to react in such a violent way. And still now I am being punished and it seems our friendship is over. i wish I could rewind time but I cant.
It hurts.
I dont know if I deserve this. He as done inconsiderate things which have really hurt me in the last few months but I just let them go because I care beyond the stupid things but now I see that I did something wrong once and I am seriously getting more than the cold shoulder.
Maybe this friendship is not all I thought it was. Maybe it's time to let go.

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Our expert says:
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Actually, there's so much talk of forgiveness, without most people ever being clear about that it actually means for them. Around the time of the TRC I grew really angry about all the amateur theologians who insisted every victim had some sort of duty to forgive, however badly they'd been hurt, and however unrepentant their perpetrator was. And all these smug lectures on Forgiveness were coming from people who had never ever had anything significant to forgive, in their lives.
I suppose what is meant by the forgive bu not forget concept, is that you might forgive someone who shoplifted in your store, in the sense o not holding any bitter grudge against them, but maybe you wouldn't leave them alone in the store and not under observation, again. Forgiveness must not mean an open season for predators to offend and attack again.
Maybe it is, indeed, time to let go. In some ways, if you have to work hard to hang on, then it's actually over already.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Roy | 2004/09/22

We always use the phrase "forgive and forget" but it is actually wrong. You can forgive but that forgiveness must also be unconditional but you must never forget. If you forget you will make the same mistakes again and the problems start again. I must agree with Juzlisen that if you get hurt the second time is your fault. That is why you must not forget.

Reply to Roy
Posted by: Gino | 2004/09/21

I know what it feels like to keep on forgiving, giving another chance and hoping things will change. When trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to rebuild, but can be done if both parties are committed. This seems to be the problem these days. People can't commit....frankly, to anything anymore!

My trust was broken by an ex who cheated and lied to me. She ended up pregnant with the person she cheated with. He forced her into an abortion and dumped her a few weeks later. Needless to say, being the forgiving, helping person I am, she ended at my front door in a mess.....8 months later she is without a job, fighting depression and I had to save her life once, but still she carries on with old habits and thinking....Where do you draw the line?

In a Christian book I read: forgiveness is instant, but trust must be rebuild over time!

Since life is about choices, I made the choice to cut this liability. One cannot keep helping people that don't want to help themselves and in the process slap the hand that is helping.

Long story, sorry. One question: regardless of how much you love someone, in a relationship it is about building your partner up and visa versa.If you constantly feel that you are the one giving, surely something is wrong?? Ask yourself: do you want to have that for the rest of your life?

Just my thoughts.


Reply to Gino
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

Hi There,

I think you've answered your own question, If you're not sure, read again your last paragraph...
People that always insist on reminding you of your mistakes are hard to deal with, & they usually make you end up questioning your forgiveness.

These are just my thoughts. I sympathise with the way you're feeling, & I can understand how this must be hurting you. If you need the support of working through this, which I think you do, then you need to source the help of a professional.

Take Care J, & keep us updated as to how you're doing?

Keep Well,

Reply to Shaun

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