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Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2005/11/28

The ex is moving in with his mom!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear CS (and all that know me)
I'm so pissed right now, as I type this I'm fuming.
For the past 3 months my fiancees mom has been talking about letting his ex move in with her because they've always been quite close and she wants to get out of the abusive relationship she's in now. This was all just talk and it was only supposed to be decided next year March.

I just received a phone call from my fiancee saying that he's spoken to his mom and his ex is moving in TODAY! I think the reality of this whole thing has hit home because I'm so upset I feel ill!! It's not like this girl (18) is a threat to me, it's more of the fact that I'm concerned about how this is going to affect our relationship.

We always go for dinner at his mom, we sleep over there, we live about 10 kms from her. We visit on Sunday mornings etc. Now, the way I'm feeling I don't even want to speak to her on the phone!
The whole issue is that we've never met before and although I will get over it and am confident that as an adult (24) I will manage fine, it's how its going to make HIM feel seeing her for the first time since their break up 2 years ago. They left on bad terms, what if they still have feelings for each other? What if after 2 years it brings back memories? Where do I stand? Im so scared, I want to cry.

My fiancee has stressed he's not impressed with these arrangements and seems very upset. I've been acting all cool and calm but deep inside I'm scared as all hell.
Tonight we've been invited for dinner by his mom, like we're all supposed to sit down and have a meal like old bloody china's!??!

~Wings~

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I thought I smelled fumes ! Really, it does sound daft and rude of the mom, and remarkably insensitive and thoughtless. It cannot be that this ex has no other alternatives on earth but this. Sounds like you are and will be handling this like an adult --- but maybe he and you should talk with his mom about the importance of making sure that this arrangement is brief and not long-lasting.
And maybe refusing to accept tonight's invitation will make a useful initial point. I lik Buzz's idea of inviting MiL to your place, instead.

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11
Our users say:
Posted by: visitor | 2005/11/28

You know wings I really feel for you, to my point of view is really wrong for MiL to do that, I like Buzz's advice.

previous week my b/f just told me that he called his ex's mother, just to say hello, I asked him what on earth does he wants from her cause they are not related, the worse part this ex dumped him bcause he was not working and couldn't provide her with any extravagent things, life was bad for him. They dated for 9 yrs and had a miscarrage and no kids.I just called him now telling him about this post and what other members say about it and tells him that he is not wrong doing what he did , you know sometimes I wonder if he is over his ex....

Reply to visitor
Posted by: Friend | 2005/11/28

This is a particular difficult situation, both for you and your fiancee. Handle it with dignity. Give it time, this women may irritate your fiancee's mother and within a few months she could be history.

In the meantime, hold a low profile and when you do get in contact with the ex girlfriend, be extremely friendly, gracious and let her see for herself why YOU are the fiancee and not she. You can do it, don't let anger and other feelings spoil your relationship. You've come so far.

As for the mother of your fiancee, she acted totally out of line. For me, this is unacceptable and I would feel exactly the same feelings that you feel regarding the matter.

Things has a way of sorting itself out - be strong and we all think of you in this difficult situation.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2005/11/28

I give it 3 months and than someone will be crawling into some unwelcome space and bye bye - fiancee's ex -
Stay out of the way and watch the space

Reply to Southernwrite
Posted by: CP Mom | 2005/11/28

Doesnt she have a mother of her own ? Or a sister etc?

If my b/f's mom did that she could go fly a kite!

I'd just let her know that I'm not comfortable going to her house anymore and add "im sure you know why"

eish!

Reply to CP Mom
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/28

From what you're saying, I don't get the feeling that your fianceé's mother, is trying to ruin your relationship. She's invited this girl into her home, for her own obvious reasons (care for another person / "replacement" of her late daughter). I think it's something MiL should have discussed with your fianceé since it will impact on her relationship with her son.

This girl was a mere babe when they broke up when she was 16. Your fianceé has moved on, but maybe the ex hasn't. It could also be that she's really destitute and planning to find a place of her own soon. If not, I think it is going to be very awkward for you and fianceé to visit MiL in future, if this is going to be longterm.

In future, invite MiL over to your place to visit, instead of going there. I can understand your feelings, I don't think this is a healthy setup at all. Good luck!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2005/11/28

yeah Tweeds
Youre right, she was only just 16. We've all had a bloody hard life, and yes i understand my mom in laws protectiveness but she's paying rent, why couldn't she pay rent somewhere else???

Reply to ~Wings~
Posted by: Tweeds | 2005/11/28

If the relationship was over 2 years ago , she would only have been 16 when it ended. Not much more than a child.
Your Mother in Law might be feeling protective towards her, as she is only 18. (and sounds like she"s had a hard life).
It sounds like you have a good relationship with MiL, why don;t you tell her how you feel.

Reply to Tweeds
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2005/11/28

TO: VM
She isn't a family friend, she's an ex.
She can't move in with the dad cause he lives too far away and the mother is apparently like trailor trash


TO: ....
Who the hell knows why she's doing this. She says she offered an open door to the ex when they broke up and says she can't go back on her word.
Her daughter died almost 3 years ago and my fiancee believes his mom has accepted her as a daughter.
I don't know if she wants to interfere with our relationship, but I know she's very obviously put our relationship in the back seat and put this little girl first, regardless of our pleas and protests.

Reply to ~Wings~
Posted by: ... | 2005/11/28

What is his mother's intention in all of this?... merely to help the destitute person, or is she wanting to interfere in your relationship???... this would definitely have an impact on the way you handle the situation.........

Reply to ...
Posted by: VM | 2005/11/28

Hey Wings - I know exactly what you are going through, exept my boyfriends parents brought his ex, and their child (she was 28, he 18 at the time - fling that turned out disaterously) to SA, moved them in with her and proceeded to try destroy my life.

I would put my foot down with my fiance, and not go near that house, do not get involved it will only lead to heartache and dissapointment.

Our relationship didn't handle the stress, we broke up, but got back together again, thank God this woman saw that he wasnt going to be hers again and moved back to America.

It was hell. Good Luck.

PS: What advice I can offer is this: Get things straight right from the start and dont go round to his moms house unless you really have to, and I wouldnt let him go alone either.

Reply to VM
Posted by: Jemma | 2005/11/28

I would decline on tonight's invitation. And keep a low profile. Don't visit her so often any more because circumstances has changed and you don't feel comfortable with the circumstances.

Is this girl a family friend or why does she stay with the mother?

Reply to Jemma

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