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Question
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

The ex, children and Xmas gifts.

Hi guys,

The ex wont let me give hte kids Xmas gifts because she says its just more reminders for her of us and our past, which still hurts all of us.

But then she asks me if I want to see her and the girls before Christmas! Initially I said yes, but then thought heck, what for, so we can all walk away after a great time together, feeling crap! How can she not want me to give gifts, yet offer for me to meet her and the kids before Christmas? Am I missing somethign here?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds unreasonable and selfish, as the gifts are for the kids, and their pleasure, and not for her. Would she refuse some of the kids birthday presents, if she didn't like the parents of the child bringing a gift ? If you have an ongoing relationship with the kids , why shouldn't that include gift-giving ? For her to decide autocratically that you were good enough for the chores of caring for the kids, but not entitled to give them gifts, is selfish and cruel.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sassy | 2005/12/12

Hi FIO,

Aren't you afraid that those children might think you don't care or that you're giving them up? Even though they are not your children weren't you there when they were sick or happy or sad? Why should you not give them gifts. At least they could treasure that.

I love children to bits and I won't let adults stand in my way of giving them something from my heart. A gift is a way of showing that you love them and doing nothing (not even seeing them) breaks my heart. So imagine how their hearts would break thinking that you don't care. It's Xmas time - a very special time especially for children.

Good luck with your decision...
;-)

Reply to Sassy
Posted by: southernwrite | 2005/12/12

Well said Lulu ... even if they are not his kids - love doe snot know any boundaries - I dont understand why its ok to see them but not give them anything - me thinks the ex is spiteful

Reply to southernwrite
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/12

Yeah, Lulu, I do agree with you. If only his ex would realise that he is someone worth having in their lives. Such a great pity.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: lulu | 2005/12/12

Oh, I'm sorry. That kinda changes things... I still think she's not acting in their best interest tho. If you were there for them always, they obviously see you as their dad, don't they?

I'm very sorry things turned out that way for you. )o: I agree with Frusty. Blood does not make you care more for someone. Even if they are not yours, you do seem to care for them deeply. It's a pity their mother can't see the benefit to them of allowing you in their lives.

You're a really big man for making that decision tho, knowing it hurts you the way it does. You have my respect, for sure... *hugs*

Reply to lulu
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

Good on you Carol, you are very fortunate! Well done.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Carol | 2005/12/12

FIO , My Ex husbands daughter and I are as close as what I am to my own daughter , i used to send her gifts and kept in contact with her even after the divorce , she is now a grown woman of 28 with a baby of her own , and funnily enough I have been invited to the christening and not her own father , im the baby's step granny .... I love it , I have lost nothing with this relationshiop , i have only gained.

Reply to Carol
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

I know these little girls hearts so well, and know exactly what to get them. Cost is not an issue, its about meaning and whats appropriate.

We went to the zoo once, and daniella picked up a pick stick which carried the whole day in the push chair, knocking people about etc. But it didn't matter, it was her toy. her mom wanted to throw the stick away, and I said Why? Would she throw away a toy she bought in a shop that the child was playing with? The answer was no. So why throw the stick away, just because it was not bought in a shop does not mean its not a special toy for the child...!

Value for things for children lies in what they mean to them, not where they come from or how much they cost or anything like that. so when I give gifts, I give things I know will mean something to them, because at a young age like this, meaning is more important than anything else.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/12/12

Why must the kids always suffer because of adult's trying to be spiteful?

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: Jakes | 2005/12/12

FEW, I don't know what your financial position is but if you feel very strongly about letting them have something from u - maybe, just maybe talk to Post Office or other institution about a small savings account which u can add to as and when u can afford - also on their birthdays - just a suggestion.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

The thing is they are not my kids. But I spent many times changing nappies, waking up at night to change sheets and pj's while she slept without even knowing the kids were crying, made millions of bottles, ran millions of baths, fixed many cuts and bruises, calmed many tantrums etc etc etc. I guess when you do these things, you build a relationship unlike any other, and you dont have to be real dad to have that love.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Liza | 2005/12/12

No matter the hurt, betrayal etc. that I felt during (and still!) feel after my divorce, I STILL won't prevent my ex from seeing our children. He is and will always be their father. And since he is allowed to see the children he is DEFINITELY allowed to give them gifts. I just prefer that the gifts that he gives them, stay at his place. e.g. He can buy them all the battery operated toys he likes, but he's going to provide the batteries for them to play with. Plus they're never bored with the toys at his place, since they haven't been able to play with it for a long time.

Do you have visitation rights? i.e. weekends with your children?

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/12

Ermmm, Lulu, they aren't his kids. But that does not mean that he does not care for them deeply.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: fin/ex | 2005/12/12

hey fio good decision - as much as it is sore it is best to cut the contact. from the start your ex has always sounded very manipulative. really try stop the contact with her for your own sanity. time to go make new memories now, hey...
good luck

Reply to fin/ex
Posted by: lulu | 2005/12/12

FIO, this woman has a problem! OF COURSE you should give your children gifts if you want! So what if she still isn't over you and still hurts? What does that have to do with the kids and your relationship with them?

And stop being so "understanding". She's alienating you from your kids and you're letting her. You have every right to have a loving relationship with your children, which includes gifts and visits and cards and calls and hugs and kisses and and and. Why should they not have these things just because "it reminds mommy of when you were together"??

She's selfish and needs help. Definitely not doing the kids any good, this attitude... )o:

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/12

Wise move, FIO. It is going to hurt you, I know, but the hurt involved with the other scenario will be worse. Think of it like that. It might help.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

I've decided not to see her or the kids, dont need that heartache in my life. So, no seeing them, and no gifts. Let sleeping dogs lie... maybe best solution.

She doesn't want me to give gifts, coz she knows the gifts will mean a lot to the kids,a nd she will have to see them everyday, have the kids talk about me all the time, and the reminders hurt, which I can understand.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/12/12

I don't think it's her decision to give the kids a gift or not.

Give them to them when you see them again which is before or just after xmas ?

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/12

Methinks your ex is a little confused. Surely she can see what this whole performance is doing to everyone? Sounds like she wants you, BUT on her terms only. Very difficult situation.

Reply to Frusty

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