Posted by: Paul | 2007/06/03

The end in sight.

Lay down your weapons and cease the fight...

Here I go.

Doc you can remember L? You once back in the starting days told us not to wash our dirty laundry in a public forum. This was pre 2004 if I remember correctly. Then you might also remember that we broke up after I moved to JHB? And perhaps also the myriad post I made about how this messed me up? Well about 2 years ago, we started talking on the phone, and soon after that she moved in with me (located from the same sh*thole town I moved from). Soon after that we bought our first house together and moved in there. You advised us to get a good solid contract about this house. Guess love is blind.

From mid last year I started posting about “libido less girlfriend”. A year later nothing has changed on that side. Well , recently she told me for the second time that “she does not love me anymore”. This time the message seems to have hit home. She wanted to move out of the house a couple of months back, thinking that this would help, I did not agree as I just saw that it would be easier to break up if we weren’t living together. Now she wants to move out, not to fix anything but to move out.

The last 4 days have been really bad for me. Do you know what its like living with someone you love, that doesn’t love you? To still wake up holding her? To want her with your entire being, and not being able to have her? I wish I could not love her anymore that would make it all easier. To compound matters we own this house jointly. I so fear the day she moves out, to not have her and the boys feel in the house…

I cry a lot. I hurt indescribably, ive been comtemplating booking myself out of this sh*thole. I know if she leaves everything that surfaced last time would surface again, doc, im being honest, I don’t have the strength left in me to make it through that pain again.
Ive been tempted to SI, but have been too wasted to actually carry it through. Im hurting here. We are trying to get councelling (what a bit&h) if you don’t have copious funds available – as a last resort.

1stly im not sure how Ill survive until councelling, and secondly, if councelling does not work out, Im as good as dead for there is nothing left for me to live for.

All I ever wanted was love, this was given and it was good for a short while, now im stuck with this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Paul, <br>Gosh, long, loooong memories. Sad, isn't it, that some people just have very much less interest in fixing things than others ? Whether it's household tasks or relationship tasks. The situation you describe must, indeed, be very painful for you, probably much more so than she realizes. You DO have the strength to get through this ; you've demonstrated that strength before. We don't lose that strength, though sometimes, temporarily, we may lost the motivation to summon that strength and use it usefully. Sorry you feel so wasted, but I'm really pleased if this has prevented self-injury. Survive --- it has been very clear over the years that your strengths and sheer goodness can be very valuable to many other people, and should also be deservedly helpful to you. Don't trap yourself within declarations like "nothing left to live for" --- it may feel that way, but in fact there may now be much more to live for. Sometimes we look for love in the wrong places, and maybe you visited the wrong place more than once --- but you can still find it, if you look elsewhere, if the counselling fails to heal this relationship. If she is not participating sincerely in couples counselling, it may be better to invest rather in individual counselling for you, yourself, to promote your own deserved healing.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/06/04

Hi Paul

It's hard - I know! And words are seldom comfort for the pain one feels when they're in your situation. Please just remember that there is life after a relationship breaks down, and as much as it takes awhile for the pain to heal, it does.

Rejection is painful and so likely to stir those feelings that make one SI. But you've come through this before. And you learned how to cope with it at that time. You'll get through it again, and hopefully it won't be half as bad as last time because you learnt some things..

I also believe that you should invest your time and money in your personal counselling. It seems like your g/f had made up her mind already. If she wanted to stay and had hope of the relationship working she wouldn't want to move out.

I think more than trying to salvage the relationship work on getting your strength back, rather invest in ensuring that you are better able to cope with what lies ahead.

Sometimes letting go and accepting the situation for what it is, and not trying to force things to take the path you want them to is more liberating than ever. Trying to keep her, and trying to get her to want to be with you is not the real solution.

I'm sorry that you're going through this hard time!!! You're in my thoughts and prayers, Paul - I know you can do this!!!

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Yello | 2007/06/04

Hi Paul

The last 5 years of my ten year marriage was horrible. I was on so much medication because I could not cope with the fact that my husband cheated on my, felt worthless, felt betrayed. Anyway, eventually I just divorced him, suffered through that and eventually after a few months of moping around I started feeling better about life. Now I am great, happy, feeling alive and fabulous again. No medication anymore, just me feeling what I should feel. You get over shit! People survive, they grow and they learn. Dont let someone hurt you, if she does not want you find someone who does. There are many, many lonely people out there who are looking for someone to love, and that will love them back. It is just a case of taking a chance, nothing is certain in life, we just have to be strong enough to do what we have to to be happy.

Reply to Yello
Posted by: jcat | 2007/06/03

Ah Paul, how come the girls who don't want them get the good ones? Like you. Even if your posts were to have a bit of self-bias, you still sound like such a really nice person.

I believe there is only one true passionate love for anyone. If you are lucky it works, if not...give it time. Sometimes the second-best works out better, when you have learned to give without giving all.

Hang in, and {{}} cyberhug

Reply to jcat

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