Our expert says:
Depression is a common disease, which unfortunately commonly can have such effects on relationships and on other people, as well as the person suffering from it directly.
NOBODY in the history of mankind has ever effectively controlled true depression by sheer willpower. So something is wrong with the story. And people who disdain proper expert treatment and have excessive faith in their own "willpower" often come to grief.
The story you tell is of someone with significant psychological problems, whether or not they are typically depressed, and who would benefit from counselling / psychotherapy, and possibly also medicinal treatment of depression.
No amount of effort to show loving, etc., on your part can solve the problem while she pretends it isn't there or pretends she can handle it entirely on her own.
Being puzzled that depression can be so disabling, is like wondering why appendicitis is so painful - that's an essential and central part of the disorder.
True depression usually produces episodes that last 9 months or more. It is, sadly, irresponsible to allow one's own depression to go untreated - maybe an episode needs to be caught earlier, to persuade her to get the expert assessment and help she needs. One of the sneaky things depression too often does, is to make us feel it is hopeless to try treating it properly, which is untrue but may come to feel true.
Persuade her to see a shrink for a proper assessment and a discussion of treatment options
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