Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/21

Thanks for the Advice CS and all plus odd question maybe - feel nuts

Hi all,
Just a hello to say feeling more in sorts today, not happy though but carrying on, going to babble a bit and ask some questions that are difficult and confusing to me.

My question might seem odd but I also am not sure how to word this but I need to try and understand why I have this extremely strong urge to feel pain, any pain, not emotional though, physical? I am fighting the urge to do anything but it is becoming increasingly difficult. I have asked that my pills be kept out of my reach as well because I want to take them all and sleep, not die, just sleep, if die it doesn't matter. I have sliced my hands as it makes the least noise and is not that noticeable, however rather painful and everytime you put cream or something on it burns which is great. Why?

I know there are lots of people that care and love me and I have my little angel but everything seems so unreal, so irritating, I can't seem to handle people coming close to me anymore. I must add that I hadn't been able to cope with my own child before I went into hospital and when asked what would keep me from kiling myself I said she would, but it doesn't seem that way anymore, she, although I love her is bugging me, it is as if she is just too much. Is it because the trauma in my life comes from when I was very young (sorry, found out I had been raped at 6 and the trauma of being burnt is also underlying, this was between 1 and 2 and then again at 5, plus being forgotten by father at 7 standing outside the school grounds, scared beyond reason, the rest I have written about before, but could it be that she is now 7)?

Anyway, let me maar be strong and carry on, for what though I am not always sure. My doc asked what had gotten me to this point in my life, meaning why had I continued to survive, I said it was probably sheer determination and the will to prove that a person can overcome any problems in life, however even this doesn't seem enough anymore, why bother?

I know I started out with this message being a little more positive however as I said feeling only a little less out of sorts and yes I will probably make it and yes will continue and be F..... strong. Just needed to vent and understand a bit, I really honestly wish I could feel complete and utter pain, it would be simpler.........than feeling at all.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT, Pleased to hear you're feeling a mite better. The hurting thing is a puzzle --- one I recognize well, but still puzzling. What may happen, it seems, is that with psychological pain, one tends to find it leads to a sort of psychological fuse switching onn, called dissociation, and one feels little or nothing of it --- but that in turn tends to feel irritatingly "dead" and "blah", and some people turn to physical pain to try to snap back out of that dissociated empty unreal feeling. This is something I discussed a little whole back with another reader, and how some people I've worked with find it helps to substitute safer and less scarring methods --- the red pen, snapping a rubber band round one's wrist so it smacks sharply against the skin, whatever.
And physical pains may feel easier to handle as they're felt "out there" rather than "in here". Also, in a way, it may feel like taking charge, and replacing a situation in which one feels out of control, with one in which we feel more in control, because now it is US causing the pain.
It is imaginable that you are having some sort of echoes of your own earlier pain as your child reaches some of the ages and milestone which for you were associated with unpleasant experiences. One of your tasks will be to protect her from such negative experiences through childhood, one of the many reasons why its important that you remain around, and functioning well.
And have you noticed, as we do, that you are more lucid and eloquent when "babbling" than most politicians are when reading aloud a speech prepared by a professional speech-writer ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: J | 2004/09/21

I cannot answer your questions, or give any advice or even words of comfort , I havent been feeling too great myself lately.

You are not babbling.It is important for us to ask questions.There may not always be answers. Everyone sees things differently and there is always a glimmer of hope in the responses which others have offered on this forum.It has kept me going for a while now.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better today.Keep strong.

Reply to J
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/21

Hi Shaun,
You have not offended me in anyway and I hope you see this message. Thanks for your words, they make so much sense and I know you are is a time consuming effort, I just sometimes wish there was a quick fix.
Thank you for the kindness of your words and may you also have a good day.
BT. Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

Hi BT,

Sorry to hear you're having a day like this. It is said that the need for hurting oneself comes from the constant emotional pain that we suffer. We become unable to actually understand this emotional pain that we experience a strong need to see a physical manifestation of any pain inflicted upon ourselves. At least then we can see where the pain is coming from & can also understand why we are experiencing pain. With emotional pain it is completely different. We can't see it, & most of the time, we cannot even understand it. I am sure you know all this already. Thats why we need the assistance of a person in a professional capacity, that hopefully interprets the pain & suffering correctly. Unfortunately for us, this is a time-consuming experience that is absolutely necessary for us to eventually get to the root cause of why we feel the way we do. For some of us this is a simple exercise as we are able to grasp the concepts quickly, to make them work for us. For others, it is a range of concepts that are required to deal with a number of things that we are experiencing. At this point, it is only our determination & strength to overcome this that drives us to look for a solution. What we must remember is that we may not be able to find a solution, but we will learn methods that will help us deal with the circumstances, hopefully making it a little bit easier for going on each day, living our lives, making a difference...
I sincerely hope I haven't confused or offended you here BT. In my own way, I am trying to tell you that I feel rather proud & comforted knowing that there is people here like you, that always show me that sometimes all we need is only our own personal strength to live another day.

Here's hoping your day gets much better BT, know that you are in my thoughts, & I share the way you feel.

Kind Regards,

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/21

Don't worry about "babbling" - you have a lot on your mind - not that I see it as babbling.
If you were meant to die you would have died then, but you didn't. you are a survivor even though right now you feel like giving up. You're going to be fine - let yourself feel good - you are entitled to it.
I will talk with you again soon. I'm out of the office for most of the day, but you'll be in my thoughts.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/21

Hey Chelle, you are probably right I know. I have always been hurting myself as well, since very young but it is an all encompassing need now. I wish the meds would either kick all or just that my mind can stop for a while. Sorry for moaning and complaining -- I am glad you seem to be doing well, I know it is a long road but I wish I had never gotten on in the first place, I was suppose to die the first time I got burnt or so the doctors thought, I wish I had.....I don't even have a single mark or scar from that time however now a scratch leaves a scar. Babbling on again.......

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/21

BT - I can't answer your questions. I know how it feels to want to exchange emotional pain with the physical. I am in therapy for that reason and have been doing quite well. I was also raped and abused as a little girl and I am sure the abuse has played a part in this all - for the both of us.
You are depressed and tired and have so many unresolved thoughts in your mind, that dealing with people is very stressful and tiring for you right now, but I am sure when the medication starts to help clear your thoughts, you'll cope much better.
Don't give up being a survivor. You're reached this point and I am sure things are going to get alot easier very soon.

Reply to Chelle

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