Posted by: Curious | 2008/08/25


Thank you CS for your quick reply. I think I can' t tell my husband all about the family problems because I feel guilty. My husband' s work has taken him away a lot and bringing up the children fell largely on my shoulders so I feel guilty about our gay son and our addicted son. Must be something I did wrong in the way I brought them up.

Also my husband is inclined to see things as black or white there is no gray, he over reacts to situations and I am so afraid he will kick both of our sons out of our lives. I should add that they are both adults (30 and 34) but I definitely want to stay in contact with them as despite their " faults"  I love them.

I feel such a failure.

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Our expert says:
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Again, my dear, not only are you busy trying to solve everyone else's problems ( thereby rendering them more irresponsible and incapable ) but you even get guilty on their behalf. You did not make them whatwever they are, and it is NOT your responsibility. You didn't bring up one child to be gay or the other to be addicted. If someone handed you a pair of babies, would you REALLY know how to turn one into an addict and ensure that they other became gay ? OF course not.
And don't exaggerate the issue of the one boy being gay --- it can include exposure to some unpleasant prejudices from other people, but its simply one way of being, which may not be your way. At the ages you now reveal, bot boys badly and urgently need to take responsibility for their own lives, and stop being any sort of burden to you.
YOU have not failed. They may have, so far, but don't need to do so.

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