Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/06/22

terribly unhappily married &  confused

I' m married, 4 years this August, started feeling unhappy literally a few days after our wedding, husband became a different person to what he was before our marriage. I feel like I am living a lie, I try every single day to look at the positives, so that I can live happilly, but not a day passes that I dont see how different my husband and I really are. He is constantly negative, and tries to drag me down when I try to stay positive despite his attitude. I feel unsettled, we cant communicate, he is just not that kind of person, he closes up, pushes me away, refuses counselling. I read an article the other day about borderline personality disorder, I just want to know how posible is it that he has this, he fits all the " criteria" , comes from a family where he was always belittled, made to work hard labour like grown men whiile they wer just little boys, insulted, phyivally abused. I have tried to work on our relationship, but he isnt partcipating, I feel like I am losing myself, dont know how to get myself out of it. We have a 2 year old son, which we both love dearly. I dont know what to do, how can we fix something that wasnt supposed to be in the first place? We are just complete opposites, I dont wanna waste anymore time, but I dont know how to tell him. He knows Im unhappy, but he says Im making myself unhappy, he refusues to take responsibility for the role he is playing in the situation. There has been physical abuse, twice in the 4 years, there' s constant mental games and insults, trying to break me down, but done so subtly, that Im starting to question whether he isnt perhaps right that Im a bad mother and someone who just want to live in glamour. why didnt I just leave the first or second time he hit me? Am I that weak?

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Our expert says:
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I hear that he is radically different from what you expected when you married him --- and, presumably, different in an unpleasant way. Counselling can often help couples sort out such disappointments and concerns, but of course if he refuses to take part in counselling, he is preventing that potential solution from arising. Personal counselling might help you to explore the situation and work out what will be the best solution for you. And do no acept his attempts to shift the blame for HIS chosen conduct, to you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2009/06/22

If he isn' t willing to try and work on the relationship, it is doomed. It' s probably a good idea for you to get counseling for yourself though. It will help before and after you leave. Just call one of the numbers at the top of the page (for Lifeline or the depression and anxiety support group) and they will be able to help you with a counselor in your area.

Good Luck

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Faith | 2009/06/22

I totally feel for you. Oh it is such an emotional situation esp when there are kids involved. I' ve also been married for 4 years and there has been abusive behaviour quite a few times. I am also in an emotional state as to WHY CANT I LEAVE. And believe me its got nothing to do with weakness. You are just scared to take that step. I left once and believe me it was not that bad but fear of taking my life into a different direction got the better of me and I went back and hardly 1 month he got worse. I know I must leave...Please dont settle for that manipulation of saying that you are a bad mother. He can sense that you are unhappy and therefor wants you to join him in that " box"  of his. Good luck my friend!have faith in the Lord!

Reply to Faith

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