Posted by: hurt | 2004/01/14

tell the truth? or punish him?

hi doc
my conscience is eating away at me, I lost my baby becuase of emotionally distressing factors.
the father of the baby does not know - he put me through hell two weeks after he found out that I was pregnant. even though this baby was not planned - I grew to love it and accept it eventually. And no after all this heartache - my baby is just gone and nothing ca bring it back.
I never wanted to "hold" onto the father because of the baby I had decided to live my life with my child and cut the father out completely in evry way - I was not even going to ask for maintenance becuase I am successful and have a wonderful job and enough support from friends and family. Should I tell him I lost the child or just let things be?
I dotn want him back of in my life - does he have a right to know?

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Our expert says:
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Dear hurt,
leaving aside his disgraceful behaviour and the lousy way he has treated you, many people would argue that none the less, it might be a good idea for you to maintain the moral high-ground and provide him with the information, while making it politely clear that you are disgusted by the way that he treated you, and that you have no further wish to ever see him again. it is fair for him to know, as he was the biological father.
As usual, our readers are wise. As aul says, be wary if he changes his tune on learning of the loss of the baby ; and as Andrew says, maybe wait a little, until you have more fully come to terms with the loss, before talking to him --- if he isn'[t concerned enough to be communicating with you at a time like this, there's no need to hurry to inform him before you're feeling more comfortable.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/15

hi there

you had to deal with everything yourself so why do the "decent" thing...

this guy is bad for you and it took a lot of guts to break free, why go back?

you have come along way !

if he was a carring and considerate man i would tell him but t he isn't !

if you feel you have to speak about it go and see someone professional anddeal with the pain

take care


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Andrew | 2004/01/14

He didn't care about your feelings so why should you care for his. He gave up his right to know. Also, it seems like you've decided to end your relationship with him. Any form of communication with him should be avoided at this stage. Maybe in a few month, when you're emotionally stronger, you can tell him.

Reply to Andrew
Posted by: Paul | 2004/01/14

I think he certainly has the right to know, being the biological father and all.

Just beware that if he became nasty after finding out you are pregnant, he might come crawling back with empty promises when he finds out you are no longer pregnant.

Reply to Paul

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