Posted by: sarah | 2008/01/22

taking a break from a relationship

hi there,

i have been in a relationship for a year now, and my boyfriend confronted me with the idea of taking a break... im so confused.
i love him.. but how can he love me so much to put my feelings on hold. i understand that there is a side that says that this means break up.. and its an excuse.. but how??

he is in a crisis, and says needs time away to sort out stuff.. and that im too high maintainence, and he can not keep up..

please help me.. x

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

hi sarah,
I wonder what sort of a break he has in mind --- just not being together for a while ( for a specified length of time, or an open-ended gap ? ), or being with other people ? Real love is hardly something on can just set aside for a time, like taking the batteries out of a torch. BUT if he is in a personal crisis of some sort not particularly involving you, he may both want to try to protect your from it and from his distress about it, and just to work on it without needing to think about you ?
Some people are indeed high maintenance, in the sense of expecting a high degree of attention, and it may indeed be hard for someone wrestling with some other crisis, to supply you with what you need.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Britty | 2008/01/22

I took a break from my boyfriend (now my husband!) because everything was just movng too fast for me and I felt swamped by him and how my life had changed and seemed to revolve around him. I needed the break because I wanted some me time although I loved being with hkm. My break was supposed to last a week although he did phone me once because he missed me. What I am trying to say is that some people need a break to sort themselves out but it shouldn't take long. I reckon if he wants to take a break for more than a week he is just not into you any more and is maybe tryng to figure a way out of the relationshipo or perhaps he is hoping you will find someone else during that break or that you will quietly fade away. There is a saying that I hate but I feel its true and that is if you love him set him free and if he comes back to you its meant to be (something like that). Good luck.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: -|||- | 2008/01/22

This is a difficult one. I also sometimes take a break and grab my fishing rods and turn off my phone and disappear for three days. I consider it necessary NOT to end up in the situation where one has cropped up SO much crowding of your space and SO much Blah blah blah that you feel like taking a complete break from the relationship, coz in the bigger scheme of things I could not possibly be in a better relationship than we're enjoying now, but I CRAVE time off now and again. I agree with John. This doesn't look too good, but it was also your b/f's responsibility to scale down on the 'maintenance' if he felt like it was becomming too much along the way- and not leave a bomb to explode mow. This is the kind of thing that makes people weary of engaging in a next relationship. Don't be too hard on yourself on this one.

Reply to -|||-
Posted by: CP MOM | 2008/01/22

Hi Dear

On this site there is somewhere a place you can read about different breakups like the sms breakup or the "i never loved you" breakup etc.

Read it, I did a while ago and it meant a lot.

John is unfortunately right - is a "type" of breakup.

Good luck and all of the best. I know it's going to hurt and nothing we say can make it better.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: John | 2008/01/22

In my vast - okay, not so vast - experience, when someone says they want to take a break its a cowardly way of breaking up. Its like saying we still together, except physically and we can have sex with other people. That's not a relationship, its break-up assisting one party while devastates the other.

If, in his time of crisis, he does not want your help and support then he does not want you.

Its hard to say if there is merit in his statement that you are high-maintenance (I know some guys who think their girlfriends are HM because they - the men - have to remember their GFs birthdays). Maybe you should get some counselling to determine this, if you feel that it has merit.

Sarah, it does not look good. He wants out. You don't have a choice here so let him go. Letting him go may help you get over him in your own time but if you hang on to someone that wants to be elsewhere then you in for a whole lot of heartache.

Let him go.

Reply to John

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