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Question
Posted by: JJ | 2008/01/23

take back a cheater

Is there anyone out there who has taken back their husband after he has cheated? My husband and i have been split for 3 months and he is with someone else whom he works with, and it seems they are having problems now. He has not divorced me yet and I will not divorce him as I believe he must do it seen as though he told me he wants a divorce 3 months ago. but i've been thinking about whether I would take him abck if he asks.... I am quite sure he did not sleep with this woman before we split, so the question is is it cheating if you are not together even though you are still married. A friend of mine's husband cheated and she took him back, they worked on their relationship and they are perfectly happy today..... people say once they do it they will do it again but is it really always like that???

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Our expert says:
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Surel there must be some. If he mainly wants to return because he's aving problems with the other woman, that's not at all promising. I hope you are getting good legal advice. What would be the advantage, for you, in taking him back ? As JOhn says, not all cheaters will always cheat, but past behaviour is abou the best predictor we have of future behaviour. And I fully endorse his suggestions of both proper HIV testing and of couples counselling BEFORE deciding whether to take him back

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Our users say:
Posted by: Yello | 2008/01/23

A few years ago my husband and I seperated and during this time he had a relationship. Some would not consider this cheating, but we were still married and saw each other very often and he was not open about it. We reconciled and moved back in together. What I found is that he treated me differently after he had had someone else. It was as if he did not care if it worked or not. He had proved to himself that he could get someone else so he did not have to work on our relationship. Eventually I could not take the disrespect any longer and I divorced him. I personally believe that love between two people does not carry on after a third party is involved. You will always feel insecure with him, and he will always feel guilty and so will react to his guilt in whatever way makes him feel better. Either he will try to blame you, or will excuse it in some way. In any case the first love, trust and committment is just gone and if anyone out there in the wide world has managed to get back to an open, honest and loving relationship after a third party, I would take my hat off and applaud! I dont think it is possible.

Reply to Yello
Posted by: John | 2008/01/23

No, not all cheaters continue to cheat forever. But.....past behaviour is often a good predictor of future behaviour and, sadly, many cheaters have gone on to repeat their sins after they have promised to never to do so again so the prgnosis, generally speaking, is not good.

That said, there is not universal answer to this and you, together with your husband, will have to decide whether he has permanently reformed. Often, remorse follows guilt. And, often, guilt follows a sudden realisation that life with the new woman is not all that he thought it would be and hubbie goes scampering back home with his tail between his legs.

He may confuse forgiveness with permission in the future so it may be handy to go through marriage/couples counselling BEFORE taking him back and long before you exercise the conjugal rights. And be sure to have an HIV test as well as to wait for the HIV window to pass as well.

Reply to John

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