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Question
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/02

support after a painfull miscarriage

hi doc
i recently had a miscarriage in feb this year at 9/10 weeks. i am 20 years old im having a very hard time dealing with it.i cant sleep and i cant eat its constintly in my mind. i have a very supportive boyfriend but i feel guilty because he hides his emotions from me .please help me

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course this is a very difficult event to adjust to, and grief is hard work. Accept the support of your bf, as this will help both you and him, and don't allow yourself to feel guilty because he may tend to hide his emotions from you -- a great many men have been taught to hide emotions and not to seek comfort for them, so if he is doing so it is probably, in good part not about you, and to then extent that it is, it is an act of kindness and love, which you can accept. Indeed, by accepting his support --- maybe even seeing a counsellor together --- you may be best able indirectly to help him deal with his own emotions about this

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/15

anybody there?

Reply to stormy
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/15

anybody there?

Reply to stormy
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/11

thanx anon was really kind of you to share your story with me and you right i with never understand it right now but in time all would be revealed. am sorry i wasnt around i took a few days of work my bf has a terrible urinary tract infection had to take care of my big baby.

anon i dont know what i would of done if i had gone thru what you have thats why i say you are a very strong women. am so sorry for your lost. i hope someday its going to get better for you.

let me share my story. firstly i had no idea that i was pregant but somehow my boyfriend knew straight away when i said i didnt get my period as yet. we took a home pregnancy test to confirm i then discoverd that i was 3 weeks pregant i was delighted and he was worried as to how he was going to take care of me and our baby. he tried very hard and got a new job and we started planning how we going to tell everyone.a month later a day before my birthday i discoverd a brown discharged followed by lite bleeding i called my doctor but he wasnt available that day and told me to come the next day.that night i suffered the worst stomach cramps i ever exprienced and felt my water break. rushed to the hospital that morning doctor diagnosed premature labour i was crushed i dint know what was happening my boyfriend was devastated for the first time in my life i saw him cry so much :-( it hurts just thinking about it.
i didnt even reliase it was my birthday.

i was pregant for such a short period i didnt even get to do an ultrasound and see my baby or to hear the heart beat or feel the kick or crave whatever they might want :-(.

but someday i will get my turn!! when am more ready for it maybe its gods way of telling me am not ready or maybe i wont be a good mother to my baby :-(.

have a lovely weekend anon god bless you and take care..

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/08

Stormy, this is one of many down days you are going to face, but yes, whoever told you that it happened for a reason is absolutely right.

Let me tell you something.
My husband and I have been living together for over 5 years. 2 years after we moved in together I discovered that I was pregnant. I thought he was going to flip. When I told him and the reality set in he was quite for about half an hour and he then came to me and told me that he would like for us to get married before the baby is born. I could not believe it. He reacted in a totally opposite way to what I expected, but I was happy about his decision. The only problem is, I was always concerned that he was marrying me because I was pregnant and not because he really loved me. That was not true, but I could not help wondering. About a month after we found out I was in a terrible car accident. Went for a check-up and baby was fine. The next routing ultra-sound I had was the worst time of my life. It was there that we discovered the baby had died. He was perfect on the screen, only problem was, there was not heartbeat. O God, I still feel the pain I felt that day. The Dr called in my then fiance and told him. I will never forget the look on his face. I thought my life was ending. When we left the doctor's rooms I was in shock and I was very upset. My mom had phoned to ask how it went and I gave her the terrible news. Outside in the parking lot I told my fiance that I guess there was no reason for us to get married any more. I was still concerned that we would only get married because I was pregnant. Right there in the parking lot he asked me officially to marry him. He had, unknowingly, made something special of one of the darkest days of my life. I did not plan the wedding any further, I was not ready. I wanted to just leave it for a while seeing that there was not rush any longer. We got married last year.

The reason I am telling you this, is because there was absolutely a reason for me loosing the baby. I am 100% sure now of my husbands love and devotion to me. Not that I was not sure before, but you cannot help wondering in the back of your head if it was only due to the pregnancy, you know. He was not going to marry me because of being pregnant, the pregnancy was just the push we needed to finally make the decision if we wanted to really truly be with each other. I hope you understand what I am getting at.

You will not know what the reason was for your loss, but in time it will become clear. I also wondered, why me, what have I done. But it is nothing like that. You did not do anything wrong. You will wake up on the 10th of September and you will feel sad, but you will GET through it and you will wake up on the 11th and you would HAVE GONE through it and I promise you, you will be fine.

If you want to talk, I am here. ANYTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/08

in time my friend gods going to give my baby but right now am not ready got alot of planning to do. anon this has been the hardest thing i ever have to go thru i never hurt anyone in my life but yet am hurting so badly right now but everything happens for a reason thats what i keep hearing.
i dont know how am going to face the 10 of sep being the day i would of given birth. you know i had my miscarrige on my birthday.sometimes i wonder why me :-( i know it sounds selfish.

am sorry am having a down day i keep thinking about my angel.

god bless

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/08

O Stormy, you brought me to tears. Thank you for your kind words.

I light a candle for him every year. A nice scented one. I also pray for him just about every day.

I too pray that God will bless you with your own little bundle of joy and I am really happy that I could help you on some way deal with your loss. Although this is not something one wishes onto anyone else, it is nice to know that there are others that go through the same thing we are going through and that we are really not alone. I am just glad that I could also be there for you.

God Bless!

xxx

Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/08

you know anon you so right! i just found this site and posted my question not expecting to get a reply!! but wow god does work in amazing ways!! you know anon we are women we need to stand together and support eachother no matter what the age group or situation, im so happy that i helped you! you been such a inspiration to me you helped me let out so much of emotions. i know that this month would of been your babys birthday why dont you do something special for him/her lite a candle and say a prayer. my baby would of been born on the 10 september 2008 i wish i never wake up to face that day. you are truly a strong women.

i hope they could be more supportive people like you in this world! an i know in my heart that god would answer your hearts desires. may he richly bless you!!

god bless!!

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/08

Thank you for your kind words, Stormy. I do appreciate it. What really got to me when I lost my baby was that everyone use to tell me, 'Oh I know exactly what you are going through', when in fact they did not have a clue!!! None of my Aunts or Cousins went through the same, but they know how I felt. How can they possibly?! At least I can tell you that I honestly do understand and know exactly what you must be going through. I cannot tell you how to 'get over' it, but I can assure you it will get better. Besides, you will always remember him/her and every so often your love for him/her will overflow, but that is so natural. You have to allow yourself to feel and show the emotions you are feeling on a particular day. If you are sad and feel like crying, go for it, let it out. Don't hold it in, you will explode. In some way you helped me to, because it shifted my focus. As I have explained, July is the worst month for me, but I was able to tell you my experience and in that way 'talked about it' and that has helped me to and for that I would like to say thank you. You have been such good friend to me too!!

I will also keep in touch with you on this forum. I always only go to CyberVet and Weigh Less forums, but for some reason I went to CyberShrink the other day and there you were. Shows you, God does bring people together that understands each other's pain and sorrow and can comfort each other the way we need to comforted.

Keep well, Stormy. Take care of yourself.

God Bless,

xxx

Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/07

i will keep in touch anon!! i be here alll the time
. i couldnt bring myself to hold her but in time i will love her as if shes my own i could feel it happening already. my bf an i have been thru alot i nearly lost him a year back but with every day we get closer and fall more in love. in time we going to move forward from this and hopefully by the grace of god my next pregancy would be a success and we could have a family together but in time.

you been such a good friend and im still very new to this forum but thank god that i met you. i hope someday soon gods going to bless you with a beautiful healthy baby.

god bless!!

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/07

Hi Stormy.

I am so happy that you feel better today. I am also glad that you did end up seeing the baby. There is nothing wrong with you not holding her. That will come in time, when YOU are ready. I am just glad that you feel better.

There is no time limit to getting over your loss. Take your time and work through it in your own time and in your own way. You and your bf need each other in this time and it is important that you support each other. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief, but we need each other's support and you seem to have a wonderful support system.

Good luck and keep in touch if you want to talk.

God Bless. xxx

Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/07

hi anon. all went well i did not hold the baby but i had a good look at her smiling at me! i feel better today after a long time. and yes i do live in the fact that i can get pregant and im going to take your advised and wait a few years settle down and enjoy what time i may have.
i really hope some day we would be here talking about our children:)
thank for all your help anon and i pray god will bless you dearly.
have a lovely week!!!

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/04

Good luck with the baby tomorrow. I know it will go well.

Think of it this way, you were able to get pregnant, the baby was in the right place (not in the tubes). There is also nothing wrong with your boyfriend, the two of you were able to 'get it right' if I can be so blunt. At least you know that you CAN get pregnant. Can you imagine what some woman go through if they cannot conceive? The Dr told me the same thing. At least you know you can. That is already half the battle won.

You are still very young. Enjoy your life for a few years, get married, spend some time together and then try again.

Thank you for your well wished. Who knows, in a few years time we might meet on one of these forums again and complain how our toddlers are driving us up the walls!!! Hehehehe

Have a wonderful weekend. :)

God Bless!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/04

thanks anon, i know some day am going to have another baby but it wont be the same ill be anxious all the time and affraid of another miscarriage. what you said made alot of sense to me i appreciate your advice very much.im going to see the baby tomorrow i hope i dont break down but my boyfriends taking me i can face anything long as i got him and the lord by my side. its going to be hard and i thot of having another baby to replace what i lost but some how i feel thats not the answer ryt now i just need to deal with it!!
i pray you conceive soon ill be so happy for you :)

have a lovely weekend god bless!

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/03

Hi Stormy.

I understand how sad you are, but don't be upset with your boyfriend for visiting the baby. You must remember, men deal with these things differently. I use to think my husband did not care, but he was actually quite hurt and when he explained, I understood. Just because he went and visited the baby does not mean he is not affected by his loss. Maybe that is his way of dealing with it. Don't be angry with him that he did not take you with or tell you that he was going. He was thinking about you and did not want to put you in a awkward position.

I understand that you are still very emotional about your loss, but you WILL have another chance. You might think it is easy for me to say, but I also don't have a baby yet after my loss. Getting pregnant made me realize what a huge step having a child is and although I was distraught when I miscarried I also realized I now have a chance to do one or two things that I would not be able to do if I had had a baby. I am studying at the moment, I will be finished end of the month and I will be able to get a better job than I have now and one that pays more in order for us to be in a better situation financially and provide better for the baby. My husband is also looking for a better job and we are looking to move into a bigger place. These are all little 'preparations' we are doing now that we would not have been able to do if we had the baby. I still miss him every day. This month is the worst for me as this is the month of his birthday so I really do feel your pain.

I do hope that what I have said here makes sense to you and that your pain with subside soon. It doesn't go away, but it does get better, I can promise you!

Good luck, Stormy, you are in my thoughts all the time. Your bf is very supportive of you and you should be very grateful for that.


Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/03

is anybody there today am feeling so sad.my bf went to see the baby without me knowing coz he thought am not ready yet yesterday afternoon i saw a picture of him holding the baby and it broke my heart because in the next 2 months he would of been holding our baby :( help me !

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Mpums | 2008/07/02

Stormy
This poem keeps me going,all the time if I miss my son I read it.

Please remember this:

"The light of God surrounds us.
The love of God enfolds us.
The power of God protects us.
The presence of God watches over us.

Reply to Mpums
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/02

mpums i cant hold the tears back:(
thank you god bless you!

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Mpums | 2008/07/02

Stormy and all who lost their babies!!!


What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby is not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
with confidence in his voice
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
with all the other children and say…

“We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow’s were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear.
‘Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’”

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
and this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
until your lesson’s through.
and on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realise,
you are a Mother
until their time is done.
they’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

Lots and lots of hugs from me to you today and always.

Reply to Mpums
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/02

thanks anon. i just phoned up my boyfriend now and told him that i would like to go and spend some time with the baby this weekend. i hope it would help calm my heart i cant hold the tears back these days. i even lie in bed crying the whole night. i pray some day god is going to bless you with a beautiful healthy baby and i pray the same for me and for all the ladies out there that have lost a child.

thanks for your support it means alot

god bless you and may he grant you your hearts desires!

Reply to stormy
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/02

Hi Stormy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I too know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my little boy 3 years ago and it still makes me feel so sad to see a pregnant woman. A very good friend of mine is currently 7 months pregnant and I cannot bring myself to go visit her. We have had new editions to our family as well and it has been very difficult for me. 23 July our little bean would have been 3 years old. It's hard, but it does get better.

6 weeks after my MC my cousin had a little boy. I wanted to visit her to congratulate her, but seeing that I only lost my baby so recently, again, I couldn't bring myself to go. She phoned me one day when he was about 2 months old and asked me to please visit, she wants me to see him and I thought, you know, she is proud of her bundle of joy and wants to show him off so I went. It was hard, but I forced myself to pick him up. The warmth and love I felt for that baby was overwhelming and I found it helped me get over my loss. Holding a small little angel is the nicest thing in the world, even if it is someone else's. I still pray to hold my own little angel. My husband and I don't have any children yet and we both want to start a family. I am sure that, just like for us, it will happen for you guys as well.

You both lost a baby and it is important to support each other. Men show emotions different, but they still feel the pain.

Good luck and if you want to talk, we are always here.

God Bless!! :)

Reply to Anon
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/02

thanks s your words have touched my heart when life gets hard i know that would everything i serve a god that understands my heart and what im going thru. im so sorry to hear about your loss and congradulations on you beutiful baby i hope someday i would fill this hole in my heart with a little bundle of joy to

take care and god bless you

Reply to stormy
Posted by: stormy | 2008/07/02

thanks mpums and cybershrink. i cant explain this feeling in my heart it makes me feel less like a women. the worst part is that there is a new born baby in his family and i cant stand to be around that child because it reminds me of what we lost. im so sorry about your lost :( i wish this would never happen to any women.its funny how life is brings you so much of happiness and then takes it away suddenly.i pray god would give all you ladies the stenghth to cope and i thank him for such a loving and supportive boyfriend.

thanks for the support god bless

Reply to stormy
Posted by: s | 2008/07/02

i lost 4 babies in a matter of 3 years while trying to conceive. i was angry at God and burst out laughing whenever i saw kids. then one day i just started to look around and thank God for all the gifts he already gave me: a loving partner, a house, a car, birdsong each morning and flowers to cheer my day. it helped me to thank God just for those and then i started thanking him for the baby i believed He would give me. i prayed 2 long years. the pain got a bit better in time and i now have my miracle baby...

it is hard but try to focus on the good things as i have. i promise, if it helped me getting over the loss of 4 babies maybe it will help you too.

love s

Reply to s
Posted by: Mpums | 2008/07/02

Hi stormy
Sorry for your loss girl,I know the feeling, there is no medication for it .I had a stillbirth in Aug 07 but I'm still trying to cope.
Hang in there and take one step at a time it will pass.
I wish I can give you my shoulder to cry on.

BE STRONG & TAKE CARE.

Reply to Mpums

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