Posted by: D. | 2004/02/11


I met the most wonderful man 5 months ago. Things were great when he had his own place. He has now moved in with me and I am starting to feel resentful and claustrophobic. I am very independent, like my space and my time alone. Silence rejuvenates me. Since he has moved in, I have none of these things and no time to do things I enjoy. He is constantly with me. I love him, but I need space! How do I tell him without him getting upset and taking it personally?

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Our expert says:
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D, I'm with J on this. Moving in together is a far bigger Thing than most folks seem to recognize. But there's no substitute for talking this through together. It doesn't need to come across as a criticism of him --- you'd be describing an unexpected issue you've found in your reactions. Maybe between the two of you, if you could previously each afford a place of your own, you could afford jointly to find a slightly larger space ? And develop a mutual routine that gave you both what you want, some space privacy and peace, and some togetherness and hubbub ( there's a word I haven't had the chance to use for some time !)

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Our users say:
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/02/11

I have lived in a (very) modest house with a wife and 2 kids for 27 years and only now, after reading your story, do I realise how transparent my family are. I’m sure that they probably “see” me in pretty much the same way.
Admittedly, there are times when we just cannot help acknowledging each others’ existence. (eg: TV channel preferences, etc.).
Then again, contrary to your feelings, I just cannot imagine living entirely alone.
Perhaps it could simply be a matter of experiencing difficulty in adapting to change.
(I, for example, am now required to move into an open-plan office and can’t bear the thought).
The changes with which you are faced, it seems, are quite rigorous - hence the painstaking adaptation. If you love him, allow for time to adapt. If physical space is posing a real problem, invest in a larger outfit.
Not least of all, please spare a thought for your partner who, despite appearing to be the root of problem, is in fact entirely innocent.
Good Luck.

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: J | 2004/02/11

I'm not sure what you expected. Moving in with a person after only 5 months is very quick and now you're living with the consequences of not really having thought the whole thing through. If you really dont like it the best thing to do is to tell him.

Reply to J

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