Posted by: Lonely and depressed | 2004/11/02

suffocated by my family.

I live at home with my parents. They are good parents, I have always had everything I've ever needed. They provided me with a great education, I have travelled overseas. I cannot think of a time when I ever lacked anything. The problem is that I feel that they're too strict and uptight.

I am 25 years old and still need their permission to do almost everything I want to do. If things like work functions, dinners with my boyfriend or friends come up and I don't see them too often during the week I feel ashamed of myself. They seem to struggle to smile at me when they see me as if I've offended them in the worst posssible way. And it's not as if I don't let them know where I'm going, I always keep them updated. I've tried talking to them about this but my father usually concludes by saying that until I get married I belong to them (this is why moving out isn't a solution).

What makes my situation worse is that my sister behaves the same way as them. If her and I disagree, instead of accepting the fact that people think differently and will often differ in opinion, she easily ignores me for up to two weeks and will only start to even just acknowledging my existance once I've make a big effort to "be friends again". My parents act the same way and to top it off, if my sister is angry with me, my parents act distant and upset with me too. This lack of forgiveness isn't right. Families aren't suppose to act like this, are they? They get angry over the pettiest things.. I feel like a murderer for doing something as simple as not immediately putting a plate in the dishwasher after using it!

I feel so suffocated! I feel like going against them totally, like staying out and not letting them know where I'm going. Other times I feel worse, like life isn't worth living! The only thing keeping me from doing any of these things is the fact that my bofriend is understanding of my situation. But he doesn't live with me and I still need to face them while we live in the same house and besides that I don't like to complain about them to him because it isn't right to bad-mouth them and after everything they've given me I just end up feeling extremely guilty when I do. Anyway it's disloyal.

I've always obeyed them, never questioning anything but now I'm a mess! I don't even know how to think for myself -always debating what I think should be done vs what I know they'd want me to do even if it isn't what makes me happy and it's a decision that only affects me.

How else can I deal with this? I'm losing my mind! I get depressed and cry a lot. I hate this!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The idea of "belonging to them" until you're maried is bizarre and extreme. You need to get a job, support yourself, and move out, and run your own life. Good advice from our other readers, here, too.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/11/03

Hi Lonely and depressed

As an outsider, to me it looks like the usual parent/child relationship and by that I mean the young dependant child who still requires the parents permission to go out the front gate. Nothing wrong with that - perfectly normal and as long as you life in their house, yes they have the fullest right to expect you to abide by their rules - either you accept and resepct their wishes, or you move out. They are treating you like a child because you are still living with them as a dependant.

You are 25 with a good education - what is preventing you from standing on your own two feet and starting your life as an independant adult. You are far beyound the age where you need their permission to stretch your wings. These situations often occur when a person has reached maturity but still live with the parents - the problems won't go away - the older you become the more frustrating it is going to be for you.

Best of luck to you.

Reply to Lucia
Posted by: Kay | 2004/11/03

By saying that moving is not an option - which is incorrect, in my opinion, you will have to live with this situation until you do one day get married. You have given your family way too much power over you and the only solution, besides sitting them down nd talking about it like adults and figuring a way forward, is to get your own home - married or not.

At 25 you should be able to support yourself and make your own life decisions and be mature enough to know that they will have to handle your choices on their own.

Reply to Kay

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