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Question
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/02/17

Sucker or softie?

Good Day Doc
How are you today?
I have been taking allot of me time lately and I keep thinking about the people in my life that have hurt me including my ex and to be totally honest I ahve never been the kind of person to just "cut" people from my life, I dont believe that one should hate another person because they have done something to hurt or offend you, things happen, sh!it happens, it is a fact that some people cannot be trusted and that others will just continue to hurt you, so why am I the idiot who thinks that you should always mend your relationships and make them the best the situation allows? Am I stupid? Like my ex he - I do not see him as a rotten person I think he needs to grow up - dont get me wrong he has allot of very good qualities about him but he is not the marriage material I want. Why do I still even bother about him - why do I even give a damn why do I care so much? That leads me to my question am I just a sucker?

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Our expert says:
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Dear Juzlisen,
No, not a sucker. But it sounds as if you sometimes try to take even more responsibility for some of these other people's lives, than they do, themselves ! You don't need to cut them off, as you say --- you are a naturally loving and caring person with excellent skills in helping others. But maybe there are some limits one should set.
Learn from past experiences, both so as not to allow someone who has hurt you once, to be able to do it again ; and if possible learn from those situations, how to avoid enabling someone else to hurt you in the same way again. If the hurters are not interested in changing, you'd be wasting your time in helping them. If they are, by all means offer some degree of continuing help and support, so long as it doesn't enable them to get into a position of being able to hurt you again, and so long as your help isn't greater than their own work on their own problems.
And maybe use some more of your genuine skills at being supportive and helpful, to help more deserving and innocent people in need, maybe giving some limited time to a charity or similar organization, to capitalize on your skills and your need to be helpful, without putting yourself in such a vulnerable position.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/02/17

Hi Juzlisen

You probably saw him again over the weekend at the Valentine's party and could not get him out of your mind?

You are right - every person has good, but also bad qualities - some more than others. You have experienced both with your ex, so you should know if it is worthwhile hanging on to him after the treatment you got from him.

Breaking up with someone does not necessarily mean that you should hate that person. What you should consider is wheteher it is worthwhile for you to pursue any relationship with this person in the future - would it be to your benefit or would you get hurt again.

Is this person really interested in any relationship with you, and if so, what is his motives. Ask yourself this question. You don't need to be someone's puppet - and you don't need someone who plays with your feelings.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Soul | 2004/02/17

Hi

The reason why you feel like your hubby's getting to you the way he is and all the emotion, whether it be him or other people in your lofe is because you love them and so much more applies to your hubby.

I know the feeling the man in my life is a real asshole and I know I can do without him just like M said but the fool that I am I still love him. It's gotten to the stage that I can honestly do without all those emotions and I can look forward to a great future and all it has to offer with my child.

If you come up with anything that works pls share I'm willing to try anything.

For me I think I'm a sucker and a softie I think in fact I now know my b/f could see me coming and thought of me as a sucker and played on my softness and took mager advantage.

Good Luck
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: m | 2004/02/17

Girl you're not a sucker. You're one of the few people on earth who get it! Lifes not to be wasted on being angry , upset and dwelling on negative emotions when you could be spending that time being happy. But I think when it comes to people who hurt us, we should have boundaries. I think you should weigh up the pros and cons of having that person in your life. Are they enriching your life or bringing you down? If you find that they're doing more harm then good to you, you don't need them. There's nothing wrong with being a good person, but when you start being a doormat then you know you have a problem.

Reply to m

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