Posted by: Bewildered | 2004/11/11

Subject: Is she Bi Polar, never been with someone like this

I was in a relationship with a 41 year old woman (she has never been married, has no children, unlike her sisters and brother , who have two children each), I am in my 40ties too. She is a very introverted person, she does not have one friend in life, and spends every day of the week and week ends visiting her parents, who live about 5km away. When I met her, she was using Zolof and valium. She hardly ever eats, we never had any meals at home together, only when we went out.

She is never happy, has a very unusual attitude to sex (she would never allow me to go down on her-said she would get an infection- she never went down on me, said she would gag) I had to sleep in the spare room, and if I tried to initiate any form of closeness, that could lead to sex, she found an excuse to chastise me, or to put me down, and so we would not have any.

On week ends, she spend Saturday mornings at her local church, assisting the ministers wife (who provides therapy for couples) In return for her help (every saturday morning) she received free counselling from the ministers wife. After her saturday morning at the church, she would go to be with her parents, and stay there for meals. On Sunday mornings, she went to church with her parents, and after that she would go around to spend the day with them. I was totally ostracised by her parents and her, because I did not agree with her spending all this time with them. There is nothing wrong with them health wise, just an abnormal possessive and controlling attitude towards their children.

She never showed me any affection, and our relationship was loveless, yet she proclaimed to love me, she never ever showed me any love. She was insanely jealous, of anyone, friends wives that greeted me, totall strangers that might end up talking to me. I never gave her any cause to be jealous, as I was totally faithful to her.

She seemed to enjoy emotionally hurting and abusing me, everytime she came back from a daily visit to her parents, she vented her anger on me. She never told me why she dispised me and resented me so. Her Mother is very snobby and materialistic person, she tries to pretend what she is not, but everyone that know her has seen through her.

They claim to be born again Christians (although their origins are of Jewish extraction), but their attitude towards people is far from that. They are penny pinchers, they gloat at others misfortunes, exploit their maids and constantly talk about other people.

I put up with so much mental abuse. I had been made redundant from my work, and I guess she resented me so much. She never spoke to me about anything, although one would think that someone who holds down a position in research should be capable of conversation -she was'nt. She seemed to always discuss everything with her mother, I was always kept in the dark about everything. I know she had a failed relationship before me, but all the blame was placed on the guy.

We were going to get married earlier this year, but thank God, she had one of her emotional attacking sessions on me, because she was insanely jealous of her own sister, and the wedding was called off , by her mother.

Is it normal for someone of her age to be "living" at her parents place, and to put no effort into her "relationship"? I begged her for us to go for joint counselling, but both her, and her parents said there was nothing wrong with her, and that I needed the counselling. Her one sister had told me a couple of years ago, that she suffered from a chemical imbalance, and that the parents, especially the mother had covered it all up, and would not allow it to come out.

I feel so stupid, I cant believe that I thought she would change and become happy and enjoy life. Its has drained and almost destroyed me, living with a malcontent, that constantly emotionally abused me. It did almost drive me to desperation, and I begged her to stop treating me like muck, but it just fell on her deaf "Christian" ears.

Dr Elna, is there a condition (is it Bi Polar??) by which these people go by? She was asked by the ministers wife (during a therapy session) whether she was abused as a child, and she said NO! but why would she have such a negative attitude towars a normal loving sexual relationship. I know that her Mother makes the father sleep in the spare room, and I have asked her whre she sleeps when she stays over at night. She would not answer and became angry and protective of her parents.

I really need closure with this (I have moved and left her) as it has been painful for me, and I would dearly appreciate your professional view on this, so that I can put it all behind me and move on with my life. Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Now I'm bewildered, too, as I'm certain that I read, and replied to, this question a day or two ago. Check back in the forum. Lucia, it's deja vu, all over again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/11/12

Hi Bewildered

Not a problem at all .......... actually provided a good laugh, as long as you were helped and as a bonus learnt at least something new (the cut & paste part) we are happy for you.

Reply to Lucia
Posted by: Bewildered | 2004/11/11

Sorry to all concerned, a good friend that saw I had asked how to cut and paste it to the correct forum, did it for me, without checking that i had already managed to do it for myself, a couple of days before. Dr , Thanks very much for your advice, all my friends agree, especially the ones who knew her.

Reply to Bewildered
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/11/11

Bewildered - this was the reply Cybershrink gave you two days again to the exact same question - you can stop the cutting and pasting now dear.
Posted by: Cybershrink
wdId, Reading your message, I can't help but wonder why you want to have a relationship with this woman so set in her solitary ways. And if she has received free "counselling" from the minters possibly unqualified and untrained wife, then that free counselling was worth exactly what she paid for it. Such lay "therapists" can often do more harm than good.
Why on earth would you want to put up with callous abuse from such an unpleasant woman, so addicted to her similarly unpleasant parents ? You sound really lucky that the wedding got called off. This is not bipolar disorder or any other sort of easilt treatable disorder, but sounds more like a profound personality disorder, which could well be untreatable because she finds no fault in herself and sees nothing needing to be treated.
Set yourself free, you deserve so very much more than this.
Remain free, congratulate yourself on what you have escaped from, and don't feel any guilt at all. It wasn't your fault, and you seem to have tried much, much harder than she ever deserved. Congraulations on regaining your freedom.

Date: 9/11/2004

Reply to Lucia
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/11/11

De javu ?? or have I become psychic ?

Reply to Lucia

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