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Posted by: scared | 2004/10/20

Story of my life

Hi, this is scared again :) Since you've helped me so much with my previous question, i was wondering if you could help me with this one (i wanted to post is to the shrink, but i see he doesn't respond to the people and besides i would feel MORE confortable if you give me advice - like i said, i trust you)

Anyway this is the story of my life so far:

You know, I was sixteen when I placed an ad in a local magazine hoping to find a friend like me. The respond was overwhelming, my inbox couldn’t keep up, but I was disappointed! 96% of the people who replied only wanted sex. This was weird, and NOT what I expected, because it was my first time, I was curios to find out more about the gay lifestyle (and I was sad that most guys just wanted sex and nothing more – didn’t even try to get to know me better). So I ignored all the “Sex-guys” and only emailed the “Nice guys”. One was this really cute guy. We connected immediately, emailed for months and soon started to fall in love with each other. I was so in love with him, nothing mattered more to me in the world then him. I would have done anything from him. After months of sms- and emailing, he asked me if I could call him one night. I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t ask me that, because I don’t really like talking over the telephone. I have always (and still) felt uncomfortable about my voice, because it sounds very “gay” over the phone. Anyway, I thought since we got along so very well (and we are both gay), it wouldn’t matter to him that I sounded “gay” over the phone. So I phoned. . . and guess what, it MATTERED! He made fun of me and laughed and told me time and again that my voice sounded gay and that anybody could tell that I was gay if I spoke to them. He broke my heart. I was so sad. I couldn’t believe it, this guy that seemed to be so nice, is now so nasty and critical. I cried my eyes out at night(s), thinking what he said… Well after that, he never returned my calls, sms, or emails.

A year later, I send a message to a guy (9 years older than me) on the gaydar website. I didn’t want to meet young guys anymore. This guy changed my life dramatically. I told him about my x-bf and he was so SWEET and understanding. He made life so easy for me. He helped me realize that I don’t need guys like that in my life and not all guys are like him. We build our relationship via sms (its been more than a year and half) he never forced me or put any pressure on me to call him. He never got mad or angry at me if I don’t pick up when he calls. He told me that I must take my time. “Whenever you’re ready, you can call me”.

The problem is, I KNOW for a fact he wouldn’t judge me or do any of the things my x-bf did, but I am really scared to talk to him over the phone. I don’t know how to explain this, but I just cant. My x-bf’s words haunts me, the things he said is stuck in my head. I am a very emotional and sensitive guy – and the things he did, really hurt me. I cannot just forget about it – it is stuck L

I care about him and really love him a lot – I would never do anything to hurt him, he is my soul mate. I would just like to boost my self-image and not feel scared to talk to him. I don’t know how to handle this problem, it feels like I’ll never have the confidence to talk to him. (And please don’t tell me to just forget about my x-bf’s words and carry on with life – it is very difficult for me, like I said, the things he said is stuck, and ill never forget it.)

Any advise would be appresheated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageTeen expert

Hi there,

I am sure it was very hurtful to be told that because of your voice someone was not interested. People find different aspects of others attractive or unattractive regardless of sexual orientation. For some gay guys they prefer a more 'masculine' boyfriend, others a more 'feminine' boyfriend and others do not differentiate in this way.

For you its is about being confident of who you are. If you are going to be happy you need to be with someone who accepts you for who you are, otherwise you will end up feeling hurt. You can't just forget what your ex said but you do have to begin to move on from this and value yourself more.

Rather then feeling it is too risky to talk on the phone, perhaps consider meeting rather than talking on the phone. Then you both get to meet the real person and go from there. If you do decide to meet please be safe about this. Let friends know where you are going, and make sure it is a public place where there are others around such as a shopping centre, and until you are ready don't give out details of where you live.

Above all, don't let other people tell you what is right and wrong about you - decide these thigs for yourself and be yourself this way you will find someone who is genuinely interested in you because you have shown them the real you!

Take care

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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