Posted by: Uncertain | 2007/06/22

Still love him or what??

I have a three year old son. Last week he asked me a disturbing question... "Mom, why don't you buy yourself Papa, who will stay with us here at home" It was so painful to hear that kind of a question from him. Immediately I found myself thinking about his father.

I felt like driving thousand miles just to be with him. Since we broke up I never had a serious relationship, meaning I never brought anyone home. I am not sure whether I am over him but there is no bad air between us.

A while back he sent me an SMS saying he loves me. I asked him why now. He told me that he had realised that he had made mistakes in the past, of which he did not want to talk about over the phone. He asked me if he could come so that we can talk. the reason being he wants to settle down.

I told him that I don't have a problem with him seeing his son, but I have moved on with my life and I have a boyfriend whom I am happy with. I don't know why I said that maybe I wanted to make him jealous.

The thing is I don't know what to do. At the moment I am not seeing anyone but I have been reading advises here about getting together with your EX and they make me think twice. Pls guys .. If you were in my shoes what were you going to do????

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Our expert says:
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Lets see what other readers have to say, especially after the weekend, when most of them return. WOuldn't honesty be the best policy here ? At least if the two of you meet and talk things through, you would both be in a better position to assess what you each want, and what might or might not be possible between you. Otherwise it would just be guesswork

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Our users say:
Posted by: I'm there | 2007/06/26

I am glad you liked our advices. I came back to check and see how this may have gone. Thank you for the reply.

But always be careful that with these kinds of issues as is the case with other social issues too, the points of view you get are heavily influenced by the mood and the energy levels. I may have found myself in that spcae yesterday and today my mood may have changed altogether. I amy be encouraging you to go back.

The buck stops with you!

Reply to I'm there
Posted by: Uncertain | 2007/06/25

W O W !!!

I love you guys... I love this forum. I love the honesty that goes with it. thanks a lot I 'm there, I wouldn't say that's a two cent worth of advice. I guess it's up to me now to follow my head or my heart. I wish all of you guys a very successful life.

thank you once more.

Reply to Uncertain
Posted by: I'm there | 2007/06/25

CS once advised that if people wish/hope that problems or issues that broke them apart would just disappear often get disappointed.

I am there. I hoped they would vanish with the come back. people do not draw the same lessons from the break up. Therefore, while you may be ready for stability and settling down and having learnt from the past mistakes, the progress is also dependent on the other party too.

When you had a break up, each party had his/her own "position" or story. Often people get back together without having done any work either on themselves or the problems or even the relationship. They still maintain then, their self-righteousness. The difference on the "come-back" is often that by merely "coming back together" it is often mistakely assumed that you have given in to the other's do's and "position" that broke you two up. It is scary.

because it is so scary you can either stuff it or lady luck could be on your side.

Your question is whether you still love him? I say maybe. However please deeply note that if you were together for long, you probably will be bound to think of him when you consider another chance for a relationship again. e.g. your son asks you if you can have a permanent father, you are bound to consider him first. he is the best/worst thing that YOU KNOW. Your what Dr Harvill Hendrix (Getting the Love that You Want / Keeping the love that you want) call a black brain will stupidly retrieve him as a benchmark. You may not still be in love with him; yet you may consider him first. This has been largely attested on these fora by those that either were involved with divorced people (how quickly especially men would go running to their evil ex wives) - maybe see the divorce support group forum. It is normal.

In my previous life, I used to encourage people to go back to the old order as long as they feel that there is a need in case they became nuisance and detrimental to any new relationship with the new partner. I however tend to differ lately because for a long time you live in the shadow of yourself, by running back to your abuser, giving your abuser once again, the power to control your happiness. You are bound to be miserable again UNLESS you break the cycle. HOW: I'd say that you can do that by both willingly and openly going through therapy togehter and maybe individually OR refusing to "fall for the 'come-back' stint".

I am not so sure.... what to advise here. Maybe follow your heart? I don't think 100% so. However, you can do that, but once the doubt set in, let him know you have them and RUN AWAY VERY FAST .... my two cents to you lady.

Reply to I'm there
Posted by: Uncertain | 2007/06/25

Thank you CS and Maria. I will just take things slow and see where they lead me. Thanx a lot.

Reply to Uncertain
Posted by: Maria | 2007/06/23

In general I think getting back together with and ex is probably a bad idea. However people do grow and change. If he wants to come and see you and your son, why not let him? Should both of you be interested in a relationship then I think you should go and see a counseller together and work through whatever it was that caused your problems the first time, to see if you can perhaps now handle it. Just be very careful that he doesn't manipulate you into making hasty decisions, and make sure he understands that he is not allowed to make any promises to your son along the lines of "Daddy is going to come and live with you." And please don't sleep with him until you're very sure of the relationship.

Reply to Maria

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