Our expert says:
Even today, families often handle death in the family very badly, especially where children are concerned --- some years ago it was done even worse, even though usually with the best of motives. It is hard to imagine anyone handling children whose mother was dying any worse than the awful situation you describe. And what a sad example of how one can be haunted by so much unfinished business after so many years.
You should try to arrange to see a counsellor with experience in helping with grief, perhaps one associated with your nearest Hospice, to work on these issues. I understand how much you feel the need to go back physically to the places where this happened, but until that is possible, you have grief work to do within yourself, with the help of the counsellor, and you can valuably resolve many vital issues between you and your mom right here, and with your own counsellor. IN the most important sense, your mom still lives in your love for her, and is still accessable to you without travelling back to Zim.
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