Our expert says:
OK, let's see. His ex sounds like an irresponsible and selfish mother. If there was a court settlement in the divorce establishing custody and visitation rights, maybe this should be revisited. Are you both sure that she is not definitely neglecting the children ? It might be easier for you and better for the kids, to revise that arrengement, setting a definite program for when she can leave them with you, and she must simply plan her social fun around that - those are the responsibilities of a parent.
But as they are his children, and in any case, your husband should be pressed to recognize his responsibilities for sharing the household chores with you, whether or not his kids are visiting you. One is not entitled to demarcate one's "thing" without regard to someone else's rights, interests, and "Thing". Tell him calmly but clearly that while his kids are not a nuisance, the extra work-load IS, and you don't like having all this loaded on you to fit the frivolous whims of his ex.
Your husband certainly has a responsibility to sort all this out. I disagree with Been There, that the Ex is no martyr if expected to "sacrifice" some of her fun to her responsibilities of caring for HER children. Presumably she sought and received custody of them, and placing their needs at a priority to her own, is part of what custody is supposed to mean. If she asked for and accepted majority time custody, then the children's needs during that time and raising them well and selflessly is her chosen responsibility. She can't expect YOU to do the work for her, or to sacrifice your own time at the drop of a hat, to suit her fun.
Maria's comments are useful ; as are others - Jenna's examples are worth considering.
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