Posted by: WORRIED STEPMOM | 2004/10/12


My stepson is "going" to fail Std 8 for the second time - his reasons being that his father failed to purchase a motorbike as promised - failing to install a high tech pc only a Pent. 4 - not wanting to purchase a car for him - there is money to purchase a holiday home and not a motorbike = and these "excuses" can go on forever.

Dad has now this absolute gilt trip - "what and where have I failed"? Am I missing something? Is there a standard of practice of which i am not aware - material rewards for passing a schoolyear? I have children and they are under a total different comb as this stepchild - there are no material rewards for passing a school year - yes certainly for achievements etc - incidentially my son washed dishes in a restaurant to save for his motorbike - PLEASE I NEED SANITY

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Our expert says:
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Morning WS,
Sounds like a spoiled brat's collection of excuses. Are motorbikes and PC's beyond pentiums, and cars actually essential, nowadays, in order to pass standard 8 ? Does the kid understand that however many bokes he is given, without a lot more than standard 8, he will never be able to support himself or afford the petrol for his bikes ?
The kid needs to learn to take personal responsibility for his choices and his actions ( and inactions)., and needs to learn to study and succeed for the value it will give to his entire life, and not merely for yet another reward, and dad needs to refuse to accept these invitations to feel guilty and to stop taking responsibility for things that are truly his son's responsibility. what the kid doesn't work for and pay for, he will never value. And when dad goes, as dad will, he'll be totally unable to fend for himself.
All kids soon learn to try the guilt trip, and if they find it works, they play that card every chance they get. Refuse the invitation.
Counselling, even family counselling, might help to bring more general sanity into the situation.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/12

Utter rubbish! Step and adopted children should be treated like any other kid.

The crux in both your postings are the "guilt" the parents feel. Why?? I'm also in a marriage where there are 2 step children on either side. My hubby used to feel this unexplained guilt you're talking about and let his little prince and princess get away with murder, until I showed him what he's doing. I bought a book on step families and it had a whole chapter dealing with the guilt you're talking about. I think this made him see it in himself for the first time.

They would play him and their mother like instruments to get what they wanted. I was even told that we will have to start saving now, because the princess has indicated that she would like a BMW Z3 to drive with when she goes to University in 5 years time and her mother cannot afford one for her!! I was horrified at this and told him that I will only agree to that if we save to buy my two sons BMW's too. THAT stopped those stupid thoughts...

Nick, counselling might be an option for you and your daughter. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She should be grateful that you CHOSE to take her into your life and love her unconditionally.

Good luck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Nick | 2004/10/12

This doesnt help but my std 6 adopted daughter just sent me on a guilt trip because she is failing, apparently it's my fault?
I push her too hard and insist she passes, what hte hell could be wrong with that??
I am also at a loss?? Someone, help !!!???!

Reply to Nick

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