Posted by: X | 2012/11/21

Step Mom issues

My 12 year old son is going to be living with my partner and I from 2013 (12 years old).My ex and I divorced when he was very young and has always lived with her.
He has spent every school holiday with us.Unfortunately,my current partner has never really " bonded"  with him in any way and in fact never talks to him other than when she corrects him about something.
My son &  I have had to endure this behaviour all this time but now that he will be living with us full time,clearly it cannot continue in this vein.
How do you suggest we go about getting this on track on urgent basis.Is there any book you can recommend that we can work through &  guide us.
I love my partner very much but blood comes before anything.If a decision/choice needs to be made then my son will of course come first.
I truly want us to be a happy family, so really need your advice please.

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Our expert says:
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Sounds unfortunate that, despite the apparently many opportunities, your current partner hasn't bothered to try seriously to bond with your boy - surely you have discussed this with her, and explored why she feels like this towards an innocent child ?
Sounds like more than a book is needed, but family counselling ( FAMSE could suggest some possibilities ) could help, as its the specifics of each of you that are relevant rather than broad generalities.

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Our users say:
Posted by: amy | 2012/11/23

I dont think its as much an issue with the child but more with the bio mom which then gets boomeranged to the child... If the bio moms act like ladies in these situations all will be well...

Reply to amy
Posted by: Liza | 2012/11/22

My boys live with their dad and step mom and I have to say that a bio-mom also has a big effect on how her kids react to the step mom. I will NEVER treat her with disrespect - not in front of her or in the privacy of my own home. On the few occasions that my kids moan about something she''s said or done, I remind them of all the things she does for them. Truth be told - they moan more about things their dad says or does than their step mom. I personally think that she''s the BEST step mom EVER. I actually speak to her much more often than I speak to my ex-husband - simply because we get along better and she''s always in the thick of things anyway.

To other bio-moms - you have to treat step mothers with respect and most of the time they''ll return the favor!

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Another Stepmom | 2012/11/22

I agree 100% with what the other stepmoms said above, as I''m one myself. Remember: in this cozy family, the stepmom is the outsider IN HER OWN HOUSE! Often the bio-parent teams up with the kids against the stepmom, instead of uniting as parents. I agree with what''s been said about laxi-daziness by the bio-father when it comes to rules  and the guilt-trips doesn''t help either. Place your partner back in her rightful position, and see the change in her attitude.

Reply to Another Stepmom
Posted by: X | 2012/11/22

Thank you for all the advice/comments.I can assure you that my child is extremely well behaved.
Whilst I cannot expect my wife to love him,as his step mother she can surely like and respect him.
The reason for him moving to us is simply because he needs his father more at this age.
I will take heed of all the advice and try and see if FAMSA can help us.

Reply to X
Posted by: Step Mom of 3 | 2012/11/22

We are always the bad hey.....why is this mother not raising her own child? Maybe the same reason that causes her not to want to is faced by the step mom?

You can''t force this. She is not being rude or ugly etc to your child. Give her time, give yourself time, give your son time. This is one thing you cannot push no matter how much you love both.

Step Mom''s don''t get born with the knowledge as to how to raise another woman''s child, its a long, difficult, thankless, hard road. We try our best - we do everything for these kids yet we have no say in their lives. They treat us like they would not their own mother and get away with it.

It''s not just her being all bad, what does your child do to her? Do you even notice?

Look very carefully when your child thinks you are not around etc. You cannot force anyone to love another in this life, so also not for a woman to love another woman''s child.

My step are fed, clothed, looked after, punished, taxi''d you name it. They have a mother and a father to give them all the love they need, I have my own to give the love they need.

That is just my personal story. Use it / don''t use it.

GOOD LUCK - this is not easy.

Reply to Step Mom of 3
Posted by: Kelly | 2012/11/21

I agree with both Step Moms- maybe your partner doesn''t like children enough to bond with your son, maybe you are feeling guilty and turning a blind eye to your sons behaviour, we don''t know.

Have you ever spoken to her about her behaviour before? Like before he came for the holidays, did you have a chat about her correcting him and such? Or did you ignore it as it was the holidays only?

I think you need to sit down with her, you cannot force her to like the kid, but tell her if she wants to be with you, she''s going to have to make an effort. After all, she is the adult.

I have a step mother, she has been in my life since I was 11 and I know it is hard, for all parties, but then ALL parties need to put in the effort.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: also a step mom | 2012/11/21

Maybe you need to be honest on your son''s part in this, Some divorced parents do have a quilt trip and then are laxy dazy when it comes to rules , i am sure you wife is not picking on him on purpouse? a relationship comes from both sides not just the step parent, me and partner are both step parents and bio parents and his 12 year old daugther hardly speaks to us and believe me we are trying, after 4 years of trying i also just withdraw from them in a way because they also has no respect for my rules regarding my kitchen and it is always a mess when they are visiting, now after just leaving it and I also dont bother any more , now only did my partner took it up with the kids. Rather be honest and dont just blame everything on your wife, which is what you are doing by the way, be fair and listen to your wife I know teens can be mean and spitefull , and the bio parent does not see it but outsiders do, maybe she feels withdrawn because your son did not accept her, communication is key and talk about it. My partner and I have a rule in the house , everyone stick to the basic rules in the house. I was accused once by my partners daughter that i am only nice to them when he is around and when he is not there I am mean and abusive, beleive me that was hectic, I was very hurt by it and she admited after I said I rather leave then, that she lied! so rather be honest about the whole situation. Parents to tend to be blind when it comes to their kids mistakes and faults.

Reply to also a step mom
Posted by: Step-mom | 2012/11/21

I think Step-mom really have to try her best as well here. I mean if she really loves u she is supposed to love your kid as hers as well.
I am a step-mom and though my step-kids continued direspecting me I have never stope caring about them and trying by all means to have a good relationship with them.
Did you talk to her and let her know how you feel and see things? then u can take it from there.

Reply to Step-mom

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