Our expert says:
Losing their mom at an early age was sad, but is absolutely no excuse for this sort of lazy and giving-up behaviour --- surely their mom would be ashamed of how this boy, for instance, it behaving.
Apparently the father, whether from grief, guilt or laziness, has failed to instill in them any sense of purpopse or discipline, which is borderline abusive in my view. There is no way that you, alone, can remedy this --- you have to get him to work with you ( maybe with the aid of a marriage counsellor ) to recognize the problem and formulate a realistic approach to it, with real rules for them while they live within the house, and appropriate discipline. And for instance, ways to block the son from returning to the house and playing ANY computer games outside of a specifid period. And an absolute rule against being rude to parents and each other, or to disappearing without you knowing where they are.
And as for the daughter, a curfew should be instituted ( she cannot claim the right to full independence until she is living in ehr own home at her own expense ) ; and a controlled cap on telephone times and expenditures --- who pays for the phone bills, the phonesm, and the computer games ? Who buys or pays for the junk food,. and why ? And who funds the daughter;'s social extravagences ? aAnd Why ?
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