Posted by: step mom | 2008/08/10

Step mom

This is for both my husband and I our second marriage. He has two kids, girl 18 and boy 19. I have a 8 year old son. They lost their mother 10 years ago and as a result do not have a very stable upbringing, both kids do as they please and have no basic manners and respect for others. We all live in one house and I find it very difficult to get on with them and to accept the way they are. His son is finished with school and 1st year in college - the choice was more my husbands as this boy has no interest other than play PC games and over eat. He is heading for a fail as he never attends classes. I have caught him out a couple of times i.e. he leaves the house and waits until we go to work, then he comes home and spends the whole day playing games!?! This is a very difficult situation and I have no idea how to handle it. If I say something, I' m the bad step mom... The excuse is that they lost their mom at a young age. Yes it is sad but no excuse either to turn out a total wash out. It is a bad example for my younger son and it is driving me up the wall! I am not asking him to choose between me and his children but I do feel that he should do something constructive about the situation and not make further allowances for this kind of behaviour. Or am I wrong?
His daughter is in Grade 11 and has no curfew times, no discipline whatsoever. She has this unhealthy relationship with her " " girl friend" . They are always behind closed doors, be it in her bedroom or the bathroom etc. They spend hours on the telephone talking to each other. This weekend I have not seen her at all - she never came home after school and is still not home. Is that normal? I can recall how involved my parents were in my doings. They knew exactly were I was, with whom and what I did!
Lately the fights have been getting worse,as I' m not prepared to keep quite and put up with their rude attitudes, nor do I see myself in the near future taking care of his son financially, whilst he lazes around.
I always have to hear that his money is not enough and he never wants to do things with me because it is wasting money. His children waste all his money - his son on his addiction to junk food and his daughter to fund her social life.
Is there hope for us or am I wasting my time in this marriage?
Advice would be much appreciated!

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Our expert says:
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Losing their mom at an early age was sad, but is absolutely no excuse for this sort of lazy and giving-up behaviour --- surely their mom would be ashamed of how this boy, for instance, it behaving.
Apparently the father, whether from grief, guilt or laziness, has failed to instill in them any sense of purpopse or discipline, which is borderline abusive in my view. There is no way that you, alone, can remedy this --- you have to get him to work with you ( maybe with the aid of a marriage counsellor ) to recognize the problem and formulate a realistic approach to it, with real rules for them while they live within the house, and appropriate discipline. And for instance, ways to block the son from returning to the house and playing ANY computer games outside of a specifid period. And an absolute rule against being rude to parents and each other, or to disappearing without you knowing where they are.
And as for the daughter, a curfew should be instituted ( she cannot claim the right to full independence until she is living in ehr own home at her own expense ) ; and a controlled cap on telephone times and expenditures --- who pays for the phone bills, the phonesm, and the computer games ? Who buys or pays for the junk food,. and why ? And who funds the daughter;'s social extravagences ? aAnd Why ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Stepm mom | 2008/08/12


Thank you for replying and I am so glad to see that I am not going mad and being unresonable!
Their father pays for everything and despite that I have suggested that we seek help in sorting these issue out, my husband refuses and we end up fighting about it. My husband feels I' m to strict and because they are not my children, I don' t see reason. As result of this our relationship is strained and I' ve come to the point that I don' t even talk about it to him anymore to avoid further fights.
My husband would never go for counselling. My opinion is that he is afraid of the truth because as you say, he is feeling guilty about her death. He was driving when the accident happened and I would imagine that he blames himself for it and is now trying to over-compromise.

Reply to Stepm mom
Posted by: Neo | 2008/08/11

I feel for you,question 1.who' s house is it?
if it is their dad and mom s house I will suggest get yourself your own place and let your hubby move in with you, you and your hubby will only visit them.and they can only visit you in your own house and your rules

Reply to Neo

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