Posted by: CHARLOTTE | 2013/02/05



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Our expert says:
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( someone is bound to complain - typing ALL IN CAPITALS counts as shouting, and is much harder to read ).
Your messgae is terse. Presumably the son is the product of your husbands previous marriage, and not your son ? Much depends on his age. If he's young and lives with you, there are issues of family rules and expectations, discipline, parenting, and so on, and a consultation with a child shrink could help. If he's an adult, he really shouldnt be an active part of your lives or enabled to cause much trouble between you.
Can you persuade your husband to join you in marriage counselling, to see what can be fixed here ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mina | 2013/02/13

@ Anon. Actually, I have two step children. I was also a step child, so what it is like on both ends. In all instances, the adult should be the grown up in the step relationship.

Step child or not, I find it disturbing for an adult to say they " can''t stand"  a child of their spouse. I am not saying she must declare her undying love for the child.

Reply to Mina
Posted by: Anon | 2013/02/11


You clearly have no idea......Mina, are u a step mother??? if not you have no idea how hard it is to bond with an outside kid. Charlotte i feel your pain. Im in the same boat

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Mina | 2013/02/06

How very sad for all concerned.

In your first post you said you can''t stand your husband''s son. You are not calling this child " my stepson" . In other words, you have a fixed stance where this 8-year old child is concerned, and he is solely your husband''s offspring. You share no responsibility towards him.

This is an 8-year old whose parents have split, and has most definitely been affected by it. Your stance shows no emphathy with this little person, who didn''t choose his circumstance.

Only in your second post do you start mentioning his behaviour as a problem. His behaviour can be improved with the help of loving adults in his life. Your " can''t stand him"  attitude sadly, can only be changed by yourself.

I would have suggested talking to your husband about how the child behaves, so that you can jointly seek a solution to help this child. However, you seem to distance your husband''s child from yourself - he is your husband''s problem to deal it with - not yours.

I strongly suggest you work on your attitude towards the child first. Be the grown up in this relationship, and work with your husband. For better or worse. The 8 year old is your husband''s child, as is your own 3 year old with him. No parent must be made to choose between his children. Staying married to you must not cost him any one of his children.

Reply to Mina
Posted by: Maria | 2013/02/06

Does your husband acknowledge that there is a problem? I suggest you read Kevin Leman''s books - Have a new kid by Friday, and Making children mind without losing yours. He also wrote a couple of books on step parenting. Family therapy would also be a good idea. Don''t give up on your marriage, if your husband is willing to change his parenting style this problem can be overcome.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: charlotte | 2013/02/05

sorry that my original message was so abrupt.
my stepson is 8 years old.
my daughter is 19 months old.

the problem is that he stays with us half the time (1 week on, 1 week off) and he has no manners or respect for my house.

he doesnt listen to me or my husband.
i am completely miserable when he is there.
he is mean to my daughter and just causes absolute chaos and fights between me and my husband.

i also dont want to spend the whole time shouting at him and coming across like the " evil stepmother" 

i love my husband and dont want to lose him but i''m tired of being unhappy in my own home.

Reply to charlotte
Posted by: ME | 2013/02/05

Tell us what is the matter, maybe we could help?

Reply to ME
Posted by: Also a step mom | 2013/02/05

Whats the problem maybe we can help?

Reply to Also a step mom

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