Posted by: Danica | 2013/02/07

starting to hate my home life

Hi. I am 29 year old working mother of 3, my partner and I have been together for 10 years and he is the father of all 3 of my kids (he doesnt want to get married...but that is a different kettle of fish all together) before we became parents, I admit I used to spoilt him, he never had to help clean the house or anything, all that I just had to do was wipe his bum then I would really be doing everything in the house and yard. Now however with 3 children it is still the same, he gets home from work and sits in front of the tv and doesnt do jack. should i not do something then i get yelled at and he then tells me i am uselss and he is getting sick and tired of me - besided the fact that I wake uo 3 hours earlier then him in the mornings and go to bed at about 2am at night, just so that I can do whatever needs to be done in the house. he then gets all moody when he cannot get a leg over because I am just to tired. my youngest child (3) still wakes up at night so i have to attend to her to. I dont have a domestic worker so everything gets done by myself. he has now also told me that i dont really have any say over the house as he pays the bond and i am in actual fact just a tenant there. he has also now cut my food budget my nearly half of what it is and if there isnt something in the house that he wants to eat i get called all sorts or names. he loves to tell me i am lying about what ever situation i am confronted about. I love him dearly and do not want our relationship to end but i do need help from him and maybe some emotional support to as i tend to get very depressed and at times dont even want to spend 10 seconds with my children whom i love to bits and i know it is unfair towards them for my moods.

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Our expert says:
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So he's painfully old-fashioned, selfish and has no idea of how to treat a woman properly. What you are describing is emotionally and economically abusive. Call a group like POWA which exists to help advise abused women, to look at your options.
Its hard to see from your description of the situation how you can love this guy. LOok after yourself and the children.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Christina | 2013/02/07

Okay Danica some harsh words here.

You said you were on drugs before. And you are afraid that you will go back onto drugs if yiu leave him. Cause he is the onky one that helped you. Well Danica. It''s time for you to woman up now. Stop going on like a teenager that keeps saying " oh, if he leaves me I''ll kill myself" . Cause that''s exactly how you sounding. If you do go back into being a druggie. Than it only means you were never thinking of your children in the first place. Only about yourself. Should you also go back into doing drugs. You deserve no custody of any of your children. Cause you will only allow them to live your life (meaning, also to become drug addicts, maybe even a prostitute). If you have the will power to walk out of your relationship without spiraling out of control. The father of your children will have to pay child maintenance one way or another.
So start toughening up. Be a real woman. And a real adult mum. Remember you are the master of your own destiny.

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Posted by: shoke | 2013/02/07

i dont have to say somthing bad or wat bt ur situation its so stressing,u hav 3kids ur boyfrind still dont want marry u,his wasting ur time if i were u i would take my children n walk away bt one day he will look n search for u n ur kids thats hw we are men let me tell u something he is got girlfrend n he want you to walk away so that he can marry that one.being honest with u the guy doesnt luv u anymore he is tired,im talking from expirance he is taking avdantage that is not marriied leave him n go to court for supoort will run after u,i knw its not easy to give up on someone u luv after so many years bt there is life after that,if u can go peple who live in the mansion ask them wat kind of life they live u will cry only to find out that u are not the only one wtih problems.MY ADVISE TO U PLZ WALK AWAY N START A NEW LIFE WITH UR KINDS ONLY GOD WHO CAN DETERMINE UR FUTURE all da best with decisition u will take

Reply to shoke
Posted by: two.stone | 2013/02/07

Well said SK - a nice balanced bit of advice. Good to see someone on this site who is so insightful. Keep contributing! Danica, my heart bleeds for you sweety. I have a child who was heavily into drugs (real hardcore) and I know how fragile you can feel and how your self-esteem has suffered. You partner is capitalising on that in a subtle manner. You will survive and you will not relapse!! You are a strong woman - clean for almost 10 years!!! I absolutely admire you! Don''t be his floor mat any longer. Holding thumbs for you all the way!!

Reply to two.stone
Posted by: SK | 2013/02/07

Firstly hugs to you!
I think your partner has a lot of issues and you have to decide how you will want to address them. The first issue of concern is him not committing to you is really scary because what I think is that if he were to get someone else or change his mind he will kick you and your babies out of the house. He should want to provide a place for his kids should anything happen to him. He does not sound like someone who even loves his children, maybe he does but there might be some competition between him and the kids. Before the kids came he used to be the centre of your life and now he is not as pampered as he used to be.

If he felt that he is the parent to these children he will be more involved including taking care of the kids and discussion between the two of you before the food budget is slashed.

You also mention that you used to spoil him and maybe that is how he thinks love should always be. The threat is that he is not getting that from you, he might start looking outside to feel the love and assurance he needs.

You, my darling I would suggest you start working on you. Start saving and be ready in case you need to start a new life. Yes you love him, the question is does he love you? I don''t think so. To him you are nanny plus someone he gets to sleep with minus any commitment plus someone who can help with paying his bills. Take time for yourself to rest and sort out your life. You are getting a raw deal and only you have to decide how you will want to deal with it.

Good luck!

Reply to SK
Posted by: Danica | 2013/02/07

Sorry should have stated that the one reason for me staying with him is that he helped me out a a huge drug addiction when we just started dating and when i did leave him 6 months after my first son was born i realpsed back into the drugs and drinking. so on one side i am affraid that if i leave him again i will turn to drugs again and cannot do that to my kids at all

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