Posted by: Newby | 2008/05/27

!st visit here

I saw you have a group on Facebook and decided to visit you guys - GREAT IDEA, I didn't know you guys were here so I'll visit often. Interesting posts, interesting comments, and good luck to you Apache, it sounds tough.

I;m 28, a gay guy, single, not out and in Mossel Bay and its quite tough but I get used to it, just take it day by day I suppose, I have a few gay friends but none of them seems happy (I don't think so anyway), it seems only straight people can find love and be happy in this world. Sorry just moaning and letting off some steam.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Newby and a warm welcome to the forum. I believe there's quite a large gay and lesbian community in Mossel Bay? You're welcome to let off some steam but you need to tell us more - what stops you from coming out?

Anyone can be happy, irrespective of sexual orientation. Not all straights are 'happy' and many gay people are. Be careful of falling into the trap of equating being 'happy' with necessarily being involved in a relationship - single people can be as 'happy', or even 'happier', than people in relationships.

And what does 'happy' mean anyway? Invariably it means having a great relationship with yourself, being satisfied with who you are as a person, feeling confident of yourself and finding meaningful ways in which to interact with your environment that satisfy your needs. It sounds as if you need to nurture yourself a bit more and if your gay friends are unhappy then spend time, away from them, with people who have a more positive effect on you.

Is there any organised gay social network in your town? If not, start something - it takes two people to start a supper group, a movie group, video evenings with soup in winter, a weekend hike, a book club or meeting somewhere for drinks after work. You sound as if you're in a bit of a 'victim' space so think about what you can do to pick yourself up out of it and how you can nurture yourself and improve your sense of self.

I hope you've joined the forum's group on Facebook? And please keep posting........

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/05/28

Newby, welcome. Happiness starts with yourself, and with self acceptance. If you can't be happy with yourself, whether you are gay or straight, it will definitely feel as if you can never be happy. So start looking within. Why are you unhappy? Because you are not out maybe? Start working on that, and you will soon see how wonderfully happy you can be. And no, not only straight people can be happy, in fact most unhappy people that I know are straight. And I am happy, have been for years and years. We all go through our ups and downs, but I am happy being me, and have been with my wonderful partner and soon to be husband for almost 3 years.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Nikktis | 2008/05/27

Hello Newby :) xxx

Fantastic to have you here WELCOME and thanks for posting here too!

Now sunshine, at my age I want to let you in on a little secret, "Straight people are not happy at all" ???

Look what they do to themselves and to others on a daily basis and let me tell you that is not the actions of happy people.

OK,OK not all are unhappy BUT not all GLBTI folk are unhappy either and you choose which side of the fence you want to be on! Happy or Unhappy.

In Mossel Bay you are actually better off then in Joburg!? Let me tell you why, cause when you come here (to jhb or any big city with clittering lights and all) YOU FIND OUT that if you lonely with YOU, these big cities will become the loneliest place you have ever been.

Looking at the ratio of GLBTI peeps in any given community you will find that there are others feeling and thinking like yourself with in a few minutes of you.

Nature (or what ever you believe in) works like that. Nature does not make you in a way that you will ever be the only one to be that way, a lookalike, similar, just like you, are nearby and much nearer then you would believe.

Sorry I am preaching again BUT sowhat, take what works for you and use it or dont use it ...

Hope to hear more from you here, welcome once again


Reply to Nikktis
Posted by: Ferny | 2008/05/27

Hi Newby,

Welcome to the forum. As Lonewolf says the ONLY choice that goes with being gay or lesbian is whether you CHOOSE to be happy! No body can tell you what to do about coming out or staying in the closet! Only you can decide but when your happiness depends on it.........??

I can only speak from my own experience as the Mom of a gay son. He came out at university & received total love, support & acceptance from his family & friends. He is about to be married in August in both legal & religious ceremonies to his partner who is a year older than him. They are extremely happy in every way. His partner was not fortunate enough to receive the same love & support after coming out at age 18 to his family. BUT he has got on with his life & neither of them regret their decisions to live their lives openly & honestly as gay men. I will admit that the fact that they have our love & support is a huge plus but I believe that they would have chosen the same road to travel regardless of this fact.

Only one example I know and i am realistic and know that not everyone has had the same experience. BUT i would like to say that of my son & his partner's friends the ones who are the happiest & most content are those who are out & have accepted THEMSELVES as being gay!! And I believe this is the key in many cases. For some the right time to come out is at 18 yrs & for others like yourself maybe at 28 yrs???? At the end of the day YOU have to accept yourself & the rest should follow!!

I wish you luck in whatever you do. I guess Mossel Bay is not the best place to be, rather small & lots of gossip I guess. But my son & future son-in-law are in PE and thats pretty small from the point of view that everyone knows everyone!!

Best wishes - Ferny :-)

Reply to Ferny
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2008/05/27

Hi Newby and welcome. Well, it remains your own decision to be happy or not. Many guys are not out; I was not for a long time and very unhappy. You have to make peace with yourself and accept who you are, not what others tell you to be or expect you to be. If it means loosing some friends in the process, so be it. Were they friends in the true sense. It is unfair to say that all gay people are unhappy, many are not. Keep on posting and you will get great advice on dealing with your problems. Keep well


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