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Question
Posted by: Mrs Jones | 2007/04/04

SOS

I'm having an affair for the last 3 year. I'm married with a child and so is my lover. I need help trying to stop it. I've ended it about 15 times, the last time being a few weeks ago, but we are back together again. My husband is a great person, I just don't think he is the person for me. I have spoken to him about us not being right for each other, and for us to rather be happy apart than miserable together, for our childs sake, but he wants to hear nothing of it. I have started thinking maybe I should just accept the decision I made and make the best of the situation, so now I am pretending to be so happy, while I feel so trapped. The thing is, I don't even think I want to be with my lover, at least not right now. I need to get myself and my child sorted first. I got married very soon after a long term relationship ended, but should my child really have to pay for my bad decisions? I am riddled with guilt and am dreading the day that we actually get a divorce cause my child will be crushed. Our family's will be so disappointed, because to them we are the perfect family and they will not understand why. I am nearly 30 and thought about when my child is old and has a life of own, what am I and my hubby gonna do then? Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You speak as if you are utterly helpless to stop this --- as though whenver you end it, a group of security guards kidnap you and then force you, at gunpoint, to resume the affair. You haven't ended it yet, because you havn't yet really, sincerely wanted to do so. Maybe if you'd invested some time and effort into marriage counselling with your husband, you might have found ways to make your marriage happy, without hurting other people or cheating on them. See a counsellor and learn how to behave like an adult.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: hi | 2007/04/04

i always say that if you wanna do something that's really hard, you must just try and do it right this one time, and maybe it becomes habit as it gets easier.

when you do things to help this situation, like when you receive a mail, dont think about not reading or replying to it, just dont do it.

like with anything in life where you dont have to think about your decision. see any of his contact or anything to do with him like a traffic light, when it's red you gonna stop, right? not because you want to or think you should, but just because you do it.

see your lover as a red light, try and visualise it. and just always stop without thinking.

this is the whole head&heart thing. think with your head. coz if you dont the trafic light's not even going to be there.

the whole point is to make up your mind about it NOW so that you're not in a situation where you must decide somthing everytime you're in that situation.

i hope it makes sense.
all of the very best and try to be strong by thinking of your child. you must remeber if it doesnt work out between you and your husband, there shouldnt be anyone else helping that decision.

xoxox

Reply to hi
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/04/04

Stay strong Mrs J ...!

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Mrs Jones | 2007/04/04

Thanks guys.

I am going to take this one step/day at a time. I need to be honest, the thought of not having him in my life is overwhelming. I do know that we need to end it though, so he just sent me an email now, and I didn't not reply, but I am going to the shops for an hour or so to take my mind of it and help me not reply.

You guys sound really nice, its the first time I've been on this forum. Should've actually posted this question 3 years ago!

Thanks once again guys, I will keep you posted...I'm feeling pretty good about this!

Reply to Mrs Jones
Posted by: Anda | 2007/04/04

Mrs Jones, If you do want to stop the affair, you will get the strenght to do it, and not go back to it. It is like an addict ... they can only stop their addiction IF THEY want to.

"I am willing to end it again, to get my life sorted, but whats the point in ending it and then just getting back together a few days later...."

Make a decision in your life, and stop looking for excuses why you are unable to or can't stop the affair once and for all.

Best of luck!

Reply to Anda
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/04/04

Well Mrs J - da 1st thing u need 2 change is u'r mindset. U hav not evn really tried leaving him but u r already telling u'rself that u wont b able 2 do it.

As 4 staying away from u'r lover.... u hav 2 keep contact with him 2 da minimum. Do not open any of his mails unless business related no matter how tempted u r 2 read them. If he calls u - just tell him u r busy n cant talk at da moment. N do not call him back.

Do it 4 u'r child - all that energy u spent on him (no pun intended) - u cud have spent quality time with u'r baby.

It will b hard at 1st but then u shud know that endurance pays off in da end.

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Mrs Jones | 2007/04/04

Thanks Lauren. I really appreciate your advice.

So how do I stop this affair. We work together? I am definitely not going to leave my job as I have worked my ass off to get here. I have tried on the previous occassions to end it, but its never more than a week then we are together again. I am willing to end it again, to get my life sorted, but whats the point in ending it and then just getting back together a few days later.... Its like I'm just wasting my breath each time I tell him its over.How do I stay away and not give into his emails/sms's/calls... 3 years is a long time to have someone in your life and then just end it cold turkey.

Reply to Mrs Jones
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/04/04

Mrs Jones - what u hav been doin 4 da last 3 years is wrong - towards u'r hubby, u'r child n evn u'rself. U'r lover will not leave his wife when u leave u'r hubby, r u evn sure that u r da only mistress in his life?

As long as u go on with da affair u will not be happy with u'r marriage cos as da old age saying goes: forbidden fruit r da sweetest. U'r affair will make u'r marriage seem as if its not working cos their is only excitement involved. Look into u'r heart n c if u really do not feel anything 4 u'r hubby.... cos from what u say in u'r post I can c u hav feeling 4 u'r lover, does he luv u?

Just remember : U NEVA KNOW WHAT U"VE GOT UNTILL ITS OVER!

Reply to Lauren Auder ™

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