Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12

Sorry for the long letter

Hey CS.

I know you must, by now, probably be sick of this question, but would appreciate an answer greatly.

(yes...this is a relationship question...sigh....) I am engaged to this fantastic guy. Everyone is crazy about him. Including me. The problem lies with me. I have major trust issues. I come from a family where almost all my aunts and uncles are divorced, and the ones that aren' t are not happy together anyway, even my own parents got divorced because of affairs. And all this shaped me into a very untrusting(is there such a word...?) person. I really want to change this, but I just can' t seem to get there.

Our relationship started out good enough. But then things will happen, i.e. he will do something, and I will automatically think the worst of it, and make up this whole scenario in my head of what i think happened, and before you know it i won' t be able to think of anything else! And then i will get so mad at him and be this fuming b... and I' d want to break up with him even! And the poor guy has to live with a monster like me?

But I' ll be honest, he' s not innocent. But now that' s the problem, he' ll do something wrong, but it will be something small, and I will totally blow it out of proportion, he' ll apologize with everything he has, and I' ll forgive him, but then, the next day, i get lost in thoughts about what he did again and make up this whole story again of how it happened, what happened before he did this, what caused him to do this, and all this anger builds up towards him again, anew. And this reserve of anger that permanently lies in my heart causes me to snap at him for the smallest reasons.

But, CS, as quickly as i can get so totally P...ssed off with him, as quickly i can go into loving mode again, and then just as easily go into monster mode again and then.... etc....

As im typing this, im thinking, " But I can' t really trust him, he has lied to me about stuff, how can i live my life with a guy like that, should i break up with him"  but i KNOW, that in a few minutes time, im gonna think....." What he did is REALLY not that' re making a HUGE thing out of nothing. You won' t find another great guy like him and you know it!" 

What' s this? Am i depressed? Do i have Cognitive Behavior, do i have a split personality...? Am i just simply an ' over-analyzer' ? Or is it just my past that' s caused all this? I' m really scared of your answer....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Anon.
Trust issues are common, and arise for a variety of reasons --- and they can be dealt with by therapy, especially Cognit-ve-Behaviour Therapy ( CBT ). By the way, the meaning of this term is that it is Therapy, which is both Cognitive ( working with your cognitions, thoughts, assumptions, etc ) and Behavioural ( dealing with your behaviours ). It would incude gaining the skill of assessing situations more accurately and drawing useful and likely conclusions, getting things into better proportion. You seem to be describing quite clearly how the problem truly is not whatever he does, but what you make of it, what you construct on top of those actions.
You may need to understand better where this large reservoir of anger comes from, and how to drain it without spilling it onto him ( because he's closest, rather than because he deserves the anger ).
It's not our past that shapes us, so much as the assumptions and rules we draw from the past and choose to carry with us.
And, as you recognize, the risk is both that you might lose someone you actually do love and who actually does love you, but that your suspicions and angers couldeventually create the situations you fear, rather than being caused by them.
And as said, apart from individual counselling to work with the problems that seem to be generated from within you
( which would be carried on, to disturb any other relationshiops in your life ) couples counselling would help to find a better way of working together on such issues as arise

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/13

Thanks Bells, that must, in the end, be the best thing to do eh?

keep well.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Bells | 2009/01/12

If there is no third person involved, then it can be fixed. You love each other. Go to counciling (spelling) together.
Good luck sweetie

Reply to Bells
Posted by: Scary | 2009/01/12

well, i don' t think i would be in a position to give accurate advise as I AM A GOOD GIRL GONE BAD!!! I am in a relationship and i don' t care what he does and doesn' t do (see not an ideal situation) and i do my shit on the side

Reply to Scary
Posted by: Anon | 2009/01/12

Oops, first sentence meant to say he really isn' t.....

Reply to Anon
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12

Thing is guys....he is not the vindictive type, he really is, really isn' t, he' s a good guy, BUT, he doesn' t always think things through, and then does things he shouldn' t do. Not because he wants to do wrong, or wants to hurt me, at that moment he really just doesnt think it through, doesn' t think it' s wrong (but it is!) And that' s the problem! it doesn' t help my ill-trusting situation!

Reply to anon
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12

Scary, out off your experienc....what do you suggest, how do i handle things? scared that if i let my gaurd down he' ll see it as a gap, thinking " AH! she' s not looking, now' s my chance!"  which is silly right, cause he' s crazy about me. Why would that be my first thought?!

Reply to anon
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12

Bells, he' s lied to me about things and done other things that you shouldn' t do when you' re in a relationship.... But he hasn' t cheated on me (not that i know off....see .... there i go again...)

Reply to anon
Posted by: scary | 2009/01/12

anon - i wasn' t that insecure but i had always put my guard my guard on and he cheated on me over and over and over and over and guess what? he dumped me and i think it was good for me ' cause i was insane - come to think of it!!! i would plot all these evil things that i was going to do to him should he cheat on me one more time - even he was scared of me!!!! am glad it' s over though

Reply to scary
Posted by: bells | 2009/01/12

Has he ever done anything wrong , Was he ever unfaithful to you??

Reply to bells
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12 you reckon it' s cause we feel insecure? I reckon it is...

With you it' s worse than me, he never cheated, but he did some very wrong stuff....and out of those things he did stems my insecurity...if he can lie to me he can do even cheat? But to be frank....I wouldn' t blame him a.t.m, cause who wants to live with a nag like me...?

Reply to anon
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12

Understandtheconceptoflove, you' re right.......i' ve been struggling so long with exactly what you' re saying.

I AM going to loose him if i carry on like this.....he' s been so suportive, not getting mad at me and my fits....but i can see that he' s already beginnning to change because of me. He used to tell me everything. But now he' s witholding stuff from me...and i don' t blame him, poor guy must be so scared of telling me something in case im going to make an issue out of it.....

I have told him about my past issues, and he' s been SO supportive. But what now? What' s the next step?

Happy new year to you too!

Reply to anon
Posted by: scary | 2009/01/12

this is my story - totally, but he used to cheat on me and i would go psycho! now that it' s over i ask myself how could i have reacted like that??? CS - were are keen to hear your response please

Reply to scary
Posted by: anon | 2009/01/12

Thanx Anon2, tis like a mountain off of my shoulders to hear that there' s someone else like this.....

Reply to anon
Posted by: anon2 | 2009/01/12

dear anon

this sounds just like me, I do the same thing with my hubby all the time... would love to hear what the people say about his

Reply to anon2
Posted by: understandtheconceptoflove | 2009/01/12

You need to work on your trust issues, and also judgement of others along with forgiveness.....if you had truely forgiven him you would not return to the issue in your mind it would be would have let go..when you love someone you are always insecure and vulnerable, why dont you communicate with him, tell me what you posted here - take it to the brave!!!

How can you build trust? by communicating and being need to tell him about your insecurities from your family background etc.

all the best!
(and happy new year!)

Reply to understandtheconceptoflove

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