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Question
Posted by: Lor | 2003/02/26

Son's stability and security issues

Hi

During the past nine years of marriage my husband and I have had two children, aged now 8 and 6, who have had to move creche's and pre primary schools quite often due to my husbands co's that he worked for going under and as a result us loseing our house as it was repossed and having to move back to my mother in law's house, she is not a nice person and interferres on a daily basis, we have not had the finances to move but hopefully we will back on our feet to do so. As a result of all our problems my son aged 8 has had to stay back in Gr 2 this year and we have been told that he must go and see a shrink as he is not coping, we have now been contacted by youngest son's teacher to set up a meeting to discuss him and he is also not coping, I don't know if I can cope its alot more involved than this, but do you think that as a result of my children not coping at school, could be that they have no stability or security in their lives? As their father also has a drinking problem and him and mother fight constantly and end up doing this in front of my children all the time.....I don't know what to do, I am thinking of taking them out of this school as their standards are too high?? What do you think.....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Lor,
let's see. I'm sure there must be such a species as the mother-in-law who doesn't interfere and try to control everything, but I suppose people lucky enough to have one or two of them in their lives, don't bother to tell us about it !
It's hard to tell what exactly has been upsetting your children --- the mobility and changes may well be part of it. Also, coping with all these problems has probably preoccupied you and your husband, so they may have been receiving a bit less attention than usual. A drinking problem dosn't help much ( I hope he's planning to work on that, maybe with AA, as it'll help him suced at all his other endeavours to get the drinking under control ).
Is it possible hat he and his mother could be persuaded to fight less often, and never in front of the children ?
As to the school, it's really impossible to guess from this distance. Maybe their sense of standards is too high and they may be unfairly evaluating the childen --- or maybe they are entirely right, and it's not necessarily a good idea to decide that your kids don't deserve the highest standards they can attain.
Maybe it's best to focus on facilitating this suggestion that the children see a shrink for a proper assessment. He/ she will be in a far better situation to assess whether the children are being pushed too hard and far by the school, and might bnefit from switching to a less demanding school ; or if they have problems they can work out, and can benefit from staying with the present school. Schools who don't care about standards, or who don't motice when a kid is having problems are surely the worst of all ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Wendy | 2003/02/28

Besides you probably need the walk - to get away from mom-in-law and de-stress as well!

Reply to Wendy
Posted by: Wendy | 2003/02/28

Hi Lor

What about taking a walk with your children when you husband and his mom fight. You can remove the kids from the situation and also use the opportunity to spend quality time with them. The may find it easier to chat to you when removed from the house and may be open with discussing any problems that may be bothering them. You could also use these special times when you can build up their confidence etc (out of earshot) of the rest of the extended family.

Reply to Wendy

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