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Question
Posted by: Anony | 2007/04/02

Son & Boyfriend- How to introduce them?

How do I introduce my eleven year old son to my fiance? I've known this guy for three years now and we are planning to get married next year. So last year my son was with me and the boyfriend came to see me, I said to him he is my friend because I didn't know how to tell him. So he asked me again this weekend because he called him. I told him he should call him unclecoz he older than him. My friends I shouldn't expose him to my man at the first place. So my question is how should I tell him about my relationship? How long sholud I wait to introduce him to my man?

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Our expert says:
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For Pete's sake, if you nhave ANY idea of marrying this guy, your son needs to know who he is, what sort of relationship you have, and to have LOTS of time to get to know and like him. Why on earth try to keep this a secret for so long ? I agree with RMC and Maria. DO things together. If the boy is in boarding school, all the more reason to get him able to know the guy asap, and on every opportunity that arises. The degree of jealousy is normal enough, but will be exaggerated by the feeling that something underhand is going on, rather than by openness. And emphasize that he will always be your son and always be loved as much.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/02

I think the jealousy is a perfectly normal reaction as he is probably afraid that this man will take your affection away from him. You can try telling him that it won't happen that way, but actions speak louder than words. I suggest you start slowly, spend short periods of time together at first, go slow on the physical stuff between you and your fiance when your son is present. If you and your son have any rituals, or things you always do when he is with you on holiday, keep doing them and don't immediately ask your fiance along. It is difficult to predict how your son is going to react so you will have to play it by ear. Don't be surprised though if at some point you have to tell him that the minimum you expect from him is to treat your fiance with respect. You are obviously trying to do the best by everybody and I wish you luck. Will your fiance support you on this? I'm sure if you search the net a bit you will find lots of other people's stories and suggestions, as yours is not a unique situation. You also need to sort out the issue of authority with your fiance. How much authority you want him to have over your son is up to you to decide, but you need to communicate this clearly to both.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anony | 2007/04/02

My son is not staying with me, he is in boarding school so thats why we've shielded this to him. I made sure that I am sure that the guy is the right one for me. So now I know that we ar egetting married and I want to do things the right way. I've already seen the jealosy though, evertime he sees me with this guy he makes sure that I hold his hand. The first time he saw him he said he like him but now he's a bit jealous.

Reply to Anony
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/02

I think it is a good idea to not expose kids to every boyfriend that comes along, but once the relationship gets serious they obviously must get to know each other. Does your son live with you? How have you managed to shield him from this relationship for three years? If you are only getting married next year then perhaps don't tell him yet, just start having your fiance over to dinner, or go on outings with the three of you together. If your son asks, tell him that you love this man. Expect some jealousy and possible bad behaviour. You can't force them to like each other and your fiance shouldn't try to "buy" the boy's affection or take on the role of a father. Just spend some time together and see how it goes. You have the right to a relationship and your son is old enough to understand this.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/02

you've left it a bit late, IMHO.

Surely if you had introduced him to the kid they could have bonded (he could still call him uncle) and perhaps gone to the odd picnic or sports game or something. Throwing this suddenly that mommy is marrying a stranger might be a bit of a shock.

I think you should give him some time to get to know and like this chap and then tell him.

Reply to RMC

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