Posted by: Doubts | 2004/11/05

Some advice please..

I dated a guy for about two years before I started to have doubts and decided to break it off. I was not sure whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I didn't feel that I loved him anymore. I moved out of the flat which we shared and told him that I needed to break things off, but that we could still be friends. Then it started; he started "proving" to me how much he loved me! In the 5 months we were apart, he phoned me three or more times every day: to say good morning, to ask if my day was ok, to say good night. He sent me up to 10 sms a day to tell me how much he needed and loved me. When I told him I did not love him anymore, he said I was being influenced by my family (not true, my family was not involved at all). I did not dare make any kind of comment; if I said I was hungry, he would be at my office 10 minutes later with a sandwich. If I said I needed to pick up dry cleaning after work, he would run out and do it for me. The list goes on and on! When I told him I had a problem with his drinking (one of the reasons I left him), he promised to stop. And he did! He has not touched a drop since. When I asked him to stop doing so much for me, he said he loved me and that is what friends do for each other. Eventually I realised that maybe it is wrong to give up someone who cares so much, and I went back to him. We are now engaged and are getting married the first week in December. (While we were apart I tried to date one or two other guys, but he was so "in my face" all the time that it never worked.) I am not sure whether I am doing the right thing by marrying him, but it is almost impossible to break up with him; he is so nice and caring all the time! Am I wrong to doubt my feelings for such an obviously caring man????

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Our expert says:
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Sounds close to stalking, and it's not at all clear whether marriage under this sot of pressure is a good idea for either of you. While he's being so unnervingly obedient, why not insist that he join you for some relationship counselling with a good marriage counsellor, before deciding. Postpone the wedding if at all possible. This is not love on your side, but something more like pity and a response to coercion ; and it sounds more like unstable obsession on his side. He's been very nice SO FAR ; one can't be sure how he will be in the longer term. See a counsellor together and don't rush into marriage.

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Our users say:
Posted by: THE PROFESSOR | 2004/11/05

True love is based on honesty, trust and truth.

It is clear that you do not love this guy. Therefore it would be very wrong and unjust to marry him. Even to be involved with him on account of pity is simply postponing the inevitable.

Tell him the truth and explain to him that you are not the ideal person for him.

Posted by: bluebrid | 2004/11/05

alot of what is siad here makes sence....

you need to ask yourself a few things

1) do you love this guy?
2) do you see yourself growing old and possibly having a family with him?
3)do you trust him?
4)Are you sexually attracted to him?
5)Are you open with him..(as in if you are not sure about something or have a problem you can go talk to him) ?

You still have time i really suggest you chat to someone maybe your mom (if you are close to her) let someone know that how you are feeling (someone you trust !!of course) Also let him know that you are feeling a little nervous and see how he treats you...marraige is about being opeh and honest !!!

Reply to bluebrid
Posted by: G | 2004/11/05

Doubts, don’t you dare marry this man the fact that you do not love him and you are only fond of him in a caring way to the point that even sharing a sexual relationship will come to turn on you when you u do meet MR right, if you have no true love for this man do not go down this road I had the sad experience to the point that she said she loved me but it was not true I was the same as your guy loving there for her but with time this wears of and to fill that empty space that is supposed to be filled with love you start looking around as she did not fill the space with love and affection of a person that loves you enough to want to share your life with, you will make a fatal mistake and he will always be in love with you till one day when reality hits him and he may be too old by then to seek what he truly desires so think about this you are not buying a car or a house this is much more.

Reply to G
Posted by: Inc | 2004/11/05

Dear doubts

If you have doubts then don't get married just yet. Sometimes guys do everything that you want them to do and more... to get you where they want you. There are no guarantees that he will be the same after you marry him, but by then, it will be too late. Not all men are like that and some can genuinely change... but most are quite sly (for lack of a better word). Did he go for counselling when he quit drinking? If not, he will probably go back to his old ways... be really careful... if you have doubts in your mind, then there are obviously signs that have put them there.
Good luck

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Babe | 2004/11/05

Get your haed read lady - i dont think you deserve this guy he it actually too good for you - funny thing is you going to find a guy who is an absolute bastard to you then look back and wish this guy was stilla round - catch a wake up man!!

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Bubbles | 2004/11/05

I here your story and sounds like he loves you very very much and would do /change to be with you - wow you dont get a lot of that these days most guys arent willing to change!!!

You cant blame him for being in your face when your were apart he didnt want to lose you to other guys that all...

Also mmarriage is a big step and can be scary (which i guess os noraml to feel the way you feel) but at the end of the day if you love him and know he loves you dont have to worry LOVE can get you though anything...

God bless and try not to stress over this time planning a wedding is VERY VERY stressful trust me but once over and you are on honeymoon its fantastic spending your life with the one you love...

Also pls dont take too much to hart what some reply here are they can be harsh...

Reply to Bubbles
Posted by: Foxy | 2004/11/05

Just reading your post I can see that you honestly dont share the same feelings, and by marrying him is not right. You must sit down and think about your feelings and not just his. Can you honestly see yourself 40/50 years down the line still with this man, no matter how much he loves you??

Reply to Foxy

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