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Question
Posted by: Mindful | 2006/04/05

Some advice or encouragement please!!

Hi CS,

How are you? I know it’s been a long time, but no news is good news right? Not that now is bad news, but I just need, I don’t know, some encouragement and advice. Just an update, last week my meds went down from 60mg to 30mg. In about 2 weeks I’ll be off of them!

How is it possible that my parents can make me feel so bad about myself? I love them to death, but lately, I’m just so angry and upset about the way they’re doing things. Maybe I’m oversensitive about the whole sister thing, but they’ve really managed to make me feel like I’m a failure. I had a talk with them that I can’t live with my sister anymore because I’m carrying my whole household and she just lives there off of me. And she lives like a pig regarding bathroom habbits, for example. But the list of my complaints is too long to get into. Her most recent thing is that she embarrasses the living daylights out of me in front of my friends, and making herself look like an “innocent misunderstood”. And when my friend leant over to me and said I’m really nasty, I felt awful. But how can they say that if they haven’t seen the whole story! Ok, ok, I’m going off on a tangent now.

Lately, I have been seriously thinking about a major job change. My goal was to have decided by March this year, and I’ve been really scared about making the decision, because my job is my security, and without it, I have no home, no car, no luxuries. In the past month or so, the job load has increased five-fold (deaths in the department, and people resigning, and the latest excuse was that my co-worker is incompetent and I can manage). My salary has remained the same. Also a friend of Ms Incompetent was out with me one evening and said that we earn so much, like “Rxxx” amount each month would be great…and my salary is nowhere near that! Ok, anyway, I decided that I would be open to changing jobs and trying new things, but till now, my effort has been minimal. I passed my CV on to a friend, and within days, the Commercial Director of the company contacted me about an interview. The company is in the UK, and they’re coming here to interview me! Me!

So, I had to break the news to my family that I am looking at re-locating for a while, and they’re going to have to make a plan about my sister because I can’t support her over here, and support myself somewhere else. Firstly they told me that I’m making the biggest mistake ever. Then it was “are you sure you want to do this?”. Then it was “We’ll pay off the balance of your loan and let her stay there and you can pay us back on your own time”.

Yesterday, she had brightly come up with an idea that she wants to buy her own place, just like mine, and I must look out for a place for her. Ok, so obviously the parents had a word with her, because I don’t think she even grasps the concept of monthly bond payments, levies, bills, etc. I don’t know what fantasy world they’re all living in! Property prices have tripled since I bought my place! Aaarrrggghhh!
It’s just I know mom and dad are going to put all their retirement savings into this “new place” for her. And that’s my problem. They’re not living, because they have her to look after. It’s convenient for them, as long as I’m around. But the minute I mentioned leaving, their world has fallen apart or their safety net has gone, and it feels as though I’ve disappointed them. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Mindful,
Good to hear from you again. You know, I have a problem with my PO Box. Apart from the customary negligence of the Post Office, I get a lot of junk mail, and of mis-addressed mail addressed to other people. Sometimes, when I return that mail to sender, it still gets mindlessly returned to me. And it sounds similar with you ---when your parents or others send you negative messages, instead of marking them "Return to Sender" you read them, clasp them to your bosom, and assume them to be true, significant and about you --- instead of recognizing that they are untrue, insignificant, and about THEM. Your parents, and others, can only make you feel bad about yourself if you allow them to do so.
YOur sistser ought to be standing on her own hind-quarters, and not sponging off you --- she shouldn't be able to embarass you in front of friends, because she shouldn't be with you and your friends, but on her own. So now she wants a place of her own -- great ! But how lazy is she ? SHE must look for it, find it, and find a way of paying for it --- and move out from your place. If that falls through, and you think of allowing her to stay in your place while you work abroad, this must only be on condition that she pays full rent that covers all your bond payments and enough extra to cover all expenses, and that she will move out when you return.
Congratulations on the overseas job interview --- they wouldn't dream of such an interview unless they recognize and value your skills. And serve your currrent boss right for neglecting you, overloading and under-appreciating you.
Dont blame yourself in the least if your overseas work disturbs their wildly unrealistic dream and forces them to face realitry. Why doesn't your sister live with them, instead of wasting their savings on providing for her. Will she ever bother to support herself ?

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