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Question
Posted by: Leanne | 2005/01/05

so insecure...?

got divorced 4yrs ago after my ex had several affairs. 3mnths ago i got married to a wonderful, loving man. a few weeks ago his ex girlfriend broke up with her latest man and he's been over there to "help" her too often for my peace of mind (helping her move her stuff, installing her alarm system, checking out a problem with her car). i never get invited to go with him, most of the time only hear about it afterwards. also on more than one occasion he lied to me (had to work late, etc).

we had a terrible fight over this. i dont think its appropriate for an married man to be doing these things for a single women without his wifes consent and i want this to stop before things get out of hand. he thinks im overreacting, behaving immature and insecure because of my previous unhappy marriage.

do i have a valid point here, or is my behaviour out of line? should i seek counselling as he suggested or should i ask this woman to find someone else to "help" her sort out her problems?

any honest advise welcome.

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Our expert says:
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Exes ought not to get involved in helping their exes deal with THEIR new Exes ! I agree with lulu, you are not over-reacting --- HE is ! This other woman can't have no family and friends on earth other than him --- there is no need for him to become so closely involved with her again. He has to remember that he is married, and is ignoring your feelings, and his own duties. Work hard to get him to join you in marriage counselling to work through all these issues. You both need to share counselling --- it is not you alone who has a problem, while he is indulging in this White Knight on a Horse Riding to the Rescue of the Fair Damsel in Distress fantasy.
SHE fouled up her recent relationship, not him, and it is her task to deal with it, without dragging him back into her life. There were good reasons why their relationship ended before. And it needs to stay ended. She is manipulating him, and he is enjoying being manipulated.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Leanne | 2005/01/06

thank you everyone for the input.

i made a proper "date" with my husband (dinner for two at home!) and intend to discuss the problem with him, to explain to him in a calm collective manner that i am not reacting the way i am because of previous hurt but in an effort to prevent any in future.

will keep you posted.

regards
leanne

Reply to Leanne
Posted by: Man2 | 2005/01/05

From a mans perspective...he still has feelings for her! her knows exactly what he is doing and playing mind games with you. Tell him that you are secure but he is playing the field...If he still brushes you off..play hard ball with him and say you gonna play by his rules...phone an ex or single guy friend in front of him and arrange to go for a drink..May seem stupid but will teach him to grow up...Do not take his mental and emotional abuse...Let us know how things go...This does not sound good...your man is not playing by the rules...you need to find out why?

Reply to Man2
Posted by: Tess | 2005/01/05

It amazes me the bubblegum mentality/morality that some men have. NO, he should not be helping her under any circumstances and the fact that he is already lying about it should be ringing HUGE alarm bells for you. She needs a bitch slap for getting a married man involved in sorting out her problems. Tell him he stops involving himself with her or you walk, and dont just threaten him, do it. You are headed for a world of pain here girl!!!

Reply to Tess
Posted by: jenny | 2005/01/05

Your husband is not responsible for the hurt the ex-girlfirend is suffering from.

While he may have good intentions to help in a time of need, the ex is very vulnerable and may become too attached to him.

Tell him, he can help her after she gets over things.

In the meanwhile,he should be concentrating on his relationship with you and not go near ex.

Reply to jenny
Posted by: Nokt | 2005/01/05

I think u r not overeacting, u say its his ex girlfriend, i believe that if u still have some feelings for the ex u WILL want to see her time and again and because u feel guilty about it u wont tell the current lover about it. calmly, dont fight confront yo husband and let him know that this makes u unhappy and if he doesnt stom u will confront the ex and that wont be so nice...

Reply to Nokt
Posted by: lulu | 2005/01/05

He suggests YOU get councelling?? Is he kidding??

You are not over reacting, Leanne. He has no business seeing or talking with his ex if you are not included.

My suggestion: Tell him that you don't want him having contact with this woman. Don't talk to her about anything, as this might give her the impression that you are just jealous and that their "relationship" is OK. (Which it's NOT!) Then suggest that BOTH of you go for councelling to sort out the bumps and grinds in your relationship. This will get rid of your "insecurities" and also give him guidance as to what is acceptable in your marriage with regards to ex partners.

He has a back track record of lying to you too, so he has absolutely no reason to accuse you of being "insecure". You have no reason to trust him until he proves himself trustworthy.

Good luck!

Reply to lulu

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