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Question
Posted by: Broken | 2007/12/12

So Confused about love/life

Dear all,

Please help me understand this.

I met this guy last year September, we have been seeing each other I drive & stay over most nights cos he lives on his own. He was really busy with his studies & stressed about it this year, I never got in the way. He loves fishing & I don’t mind, I have never had objections with his hobbies or his way of life nor did I nag or moan at him. I just left him to be him. He was away last week in Mozambique & he returned on Friday. He called to say he was home, I was so happy & we spent the entire weekend together happy & in love. I have never had that with anyone before cos I was in an abusive relationship so for me this was impossible but at the same happening in my life & for once I was happier than ever & I would fall in love with him more every day. After a great weekend together, I called him on Monday evening. I have some funny feelings about a female friend he keeps & we met her for breakfast on Sunday morning the vibe was not right. It was weird & tense. So when I called I asked him if there was something between them or is there something going on between them that I should know abt. He said that there was nothing going on & they are just good friends. But last week she broke up her marriage proposal & I think that was pressuring my boyfriend & he was confused. I feel like he used me to pass time till she could decide what she wants & now that she is single, he is confused. Then he said we should break up. He is confused & he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I deserve better & he is not ready to commit to someone right now etc. Why did he say he loved me and missed me when we were apart? What do I make of it? What do I do? How must I feel? I was so angry on Monday I drove to his house took all my things including all the things I bought him, he wasn’t there. But we spoke yesterday & the break up is what he wants. I also did say that I was angry & childish but those things I bought him, he can have them back I bought them for him as tokens of my love & my love is not materialistic. Help me before I loose my mind, someone!!!

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Our expert says:
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Is i posible thast he did fel love for you ( without necessarily being IN LOVE with you, and did miss you, while still to some extent being involved with this oher woman as well ? Maybe you were just fonder of him and had diferent expectations ? Anyhow, this sort of thing is always painful ( if it isnt, then there was no real relationship to start with ) but you seem to be approaching the challenge sensibly and fortunately the pain doesn't last as long as it initially seems likely to do

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Our users say:
Posted by: -|||- | 2007/12/12

Just a couple of comments:

If one should refrain from saying you love someone just because things can possibly turn bad one day down the line, nobody should ever be speaking these words. I've been told I was loved in my marriage and years later we got divorced and the divorce papers 'nogal' said: "- ..... daar geen liefde meer in die huwelik is nie...." I give her the full benefit of any doubt that she loved me at the time she declared her love. Sh!t happens.

I think you are right. The pressure was on him to come to the party the moment she broke it off with her partner. This scenario often happens. "I'll divorce my wife, and then you divorce your husband" and then we live (un?)happily ever after.

You seem like a sensible person (judging by the fact that you realised that taking back the gifts was silly) I know you must be hurting a h e l l of a lot, but try to apply your realistic outlook on life under these circumstances. It didn't work out. All this crap of "you deserve better" and " you feel like a sister to me" and "don't you think we should also see other people" is just another way of saying" actually I'm too much of a coward to tell you I want out". It's his loss. Love/life has a way of making fools of us. It's most probably going to happen to you again in some or other way in future. Be it your boss who schnaais you or the pump attendand who short changes you or a kid that gets up to something that you can't believe. So enjoy life when it's ticking and rolling and if things turn out not so good, ride the wave. Better times will come again. May it be soon !!!!

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