Posted by: Suicidal | 2005/01/06

so close to suicide.

Ive been on 4 different antidepressant in tha last year and also seeing my 4th therapist in a year. The latest medication seems to be working in terms of not waking up feeling depressed and emotions a bit more under control. problem is: I've had a rough year i.t.o being emotional an so on. My husband has decided to put his foot down, he says I don't love him because I don't do womanly things like make him sandwiches when he goes on trips.etc. I feel that even though we have a maid, I still do most of the other things at home like cook the odd meal, pour drinks, do shopping, etc. don't do it all the time, but a lot. My friends (and even some of his friends) feel that he does nothing and does not repect me. He and his family feel that I am hurting him and being ungrateful and disrespectful for complaining about him doing so little. My therapist says I must accept the fact that he will never help out around the house. i feel that he will never change and that i can accept it but eventually i will end my life, because it makes me feel like a maid and not a wife. he says that i am not taking responsibilty for my own actions or non-actions. I can't see myself leaving him unless he cheats or beats me. Feel emotionally abused, but love him so much. He says if i'm so unhappy with him i must leave. I work with him, but he earns more and it feels like he thinks that gives him the right to sit back. My therapist says I'm resentful for no reason. he has told me if I don't start showing him that I love and appreaciate him I will find myself out on my a***. I'm not perfect in any way, have lost money, been nasty to him and his family, but we all get along quite well. I mostly feel like I am the one who is wrong, but I feel like this relationsship has created a big inferiority complex in me. My friends say he is being conrtolling. Who do I beleive????

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Our expert says:
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I'm concerned that you've run through so many different therapists and therapies --- that almost suggests a reluctance to allow someone to genuinely get involved enough to help you. Good to hear that the latest medication seems to be helping. Sounds like serious counselling may be needed to do the rest of what's needed, preferably, if you can find them, someone using CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy) which would tackle those negative thinking patterns. I doubt whether you should accept the subservient role he places you in --- I suspect that your therapist wasn't suggesting you should just lie down and accept it, but that you may need to accept that this man isn[t going to change, which isnt the same thing at all. I don't se that any of this ought to suggest suicide as an option. Either accomodate to the way of life he expects ( and things like taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions is a good idea, anyway ) or leave him and make a new way of life for yourself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Carol | 2005/01/07

Do you have children ? What is the medication that has made you feel better, I am also thinking of seeing another doctor because I feel that my medication is not working the way it should

Reply to Carol
Posted by: Shaun | 2005/01/06

He said, she said, they said, your friend said, his family said... What about you???

Thanx for the second part though coz that seems to get more to the point. That being that you guys seem to think differently on how this relationship should work. Still though, it seems you put a lot of weight in considering the opinions of others as to how things should or shouldn't be. Opinions are ok, but remember, thats all they are, just opinions. What works for you, nobody else would know unless you tell them. What makes you happy, nobody else would know unless you show/tell them.

What's wrong with old-fashioned anyway, it's just a label given to a way of life. It's the actions that follow on the words you utter than give the real meaning to your intentions. So what's so bad about you having to dish up for him, unless you get upset by just doing it. Done right you might just be served as well. There are some issue, I do agree, but I don't agree with the frustrated approach as it shows you don't mean what you're doing.

Here I would say maybe you don't need a counsellor for yourself, but more marriage counselling, but thats my opinion. I say this coz I think that both you guys "expectations" of what this marriage "should" be like has been marred by the opinions of others that you don't really take the time to understand the needs of each other. Your needs or more important than what they think it should be.

Please don't be upset or offended with anything I said here. Remember, it's just my opinion & you are in no way obligated to take it seriously.


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: suicidal | 2005/01/06

Just wanted to add. The difficult thing is that he is mostly a nice nice person, buys me things, says he loves me, is generous with his money. It's just that he has this controlling streak in him that makes me feel so crushed. Feel like I won't be allowed to blossom as a human beeing as long as I am with him, because my opinion is almost never right. Also the thing about a woman being responsible for looking after the household chores..he wasn't this way before we got married, only started i the last year, been together for 6 years. he does help himself on the odd ocassion, but still insists that i dish up for him. seems so old-fashioned. need to know how to make peace with all this, will neverleave him but feel depressed because i feel like a servant.

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