Posted by: Nobby | 2004/12/06

Sister has been raped, wot must i do

My sister was raped a while ago and she is now staying with me. I think that I have done as much as I can 2 be there for her and to be supportive but at the same time I'm not really sure wot is expected of me so I donno that I've done enough. I live in a small place and as it would happen generally in these circumstances we are getting on each others feet. We had a disagreement about boundaries and respecting each other's space and property, she does not respect mine at all. We've had this kind of argument many many times before but she just carries on doing things that don't show respect. Am I supposed to let this slide because she's got so many other things 2 deal with? Am I being insensitive and a bad sister? Should I let her do what she wants until she's ok? Please help.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hope she is seeing a counsellor ( and if not, she should be ) to work on getting over this awful experience. But that doesn't justify her being thoughtless and inconsiderate when sharing your home. You're not being a bad sister, and you're not being inconsiderate. Excellent responses rom emmem shaun and liza --- I fully agree. Talk it over with your sister, and negotiate a better balance.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Nobby | 2004/12/06

Hi Liza, Emma and Shaun.

Thank-you so much. I was just feeling so overwhelmed and confused and I couldn't tell whether or not I was being objective and dealing with this alright. I feel a little calmer now and can see clearer now what I can do for both of us.

Thank-you again.

Reply to Nobby
Posted by: Emma | 2004/12/06

Chances are your sister's lashing out due to what happened to her. She's angry that she wasn't respected, was violated and needs to lash out at someone, unfortunately you're the's not that she's doing it intentionally, it's just that she's angry and looking for a way to vent. It could be that she's angry with herself for 'allowing' it to happen.
No, you're not being a bad sister, and not being insensitive either. Don't let things slide, tell her how her behaviour affects you, tell her that you support her, love her, the past can't be changed, but that she's got the control to change her present and future.

Reply to Emma
Posted by: Liza | 2004/12/06

Everyone should have boundaries. You respect her - she should respect you. Be assertive (without being aggresive) when she is overstepping those boundaries. You're not responsible for her problems - so she shouldn't try to make it yours. Personally I think she might be using you as a whipping boy. Punishing you for what happened to her. You cannot allow this to continue. Be firm. You're not being insensitive at all.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/06

Hi Nobby,

Has she had any counselling? If so then she needs to have it done. The quicker the better. Sometimes we kinda get into blaming a situation for what we can otherwise avoid. Sometimes it's just easier knowing the person would understand. Also know that she maybe doing certain things in a way that maybe showing some signs of the effects of what happened to her. She does this unintentional coz she just not know how or what to expect anymore. This is where the counselling really helps coz it helps put things in perspective where we maybe unsure if what we're doing is right.

Just know that being there for her is as much as you can do at the moment. A rape does not only invade one's body, but it also invades so many other avenues of her life. It could shatter her beliefs. It could make her feel like just a statistic. It could make her feel unworthy. She could lose trust. She could lose interest in so many things. She could be very deeply hurt & scarred. & Yes she does have quite a lot to deal with. In a way, because she seems to have inclined towards you then I think you should be her pillar of strength & in a way she could become dependent on you for certain things. Some of her actions would become irrational or seem disrespectful, but know that she is only doing what she may think is best at the moment.

I would stress again that the rape counselling is very important here Nobby, & the sooner the better...


Reply to Shaun

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.