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Question
Posted by: Rodger | 2005/11/30

Sister changed to someone else

CS, please help. My sister(18) met this guy 26 years old who work for the same company as my dad. They know each other now for about 8months. Now before my sister met this guy she was the sweetest person, laughed ,smiled and who knows what. Now her eyes look dead, her personality changed so much that we don’t know her anymore.
This weekend, this guy and her spoke to my parents, told them if they wount allow them to marry he will get my sister pregnant and they will be forced to marry, this really hurt my parents a lot.
My first reaction when my mom told me this was to get in my car drive to him and hit the crap out of him. But I don’t think this will solve the problem, maybe it will only make things worse.. My sister was this really sweet shy cute girl, and now she turn into a person that will rather choose this guy (that took the spark out of her eyes) before she choose her own family. I want her to be happy, I really do. But I personally don’t think this guy can make her happy. He does not have respect to tell my parents he will get her pregnant? What can I as her brother do? I bet you I can talk to her but don’t think it will help, this guy blinded her so that she can only think of one thing and that’s to be with him. Please please please CS, I need help, whats the best way to react?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You're right, Rodger, that attacking this guy won't solve any problems, and will probably cause several more.
The problem seems to be that this guy has lousy manners and poor communication and tactical skills. YOu would do better to befriend both of them and seek a social occasion like a coffee or meal with them, to chat about what's going on, and to frankly express your concerns. Find out what's going on, and improve their communication with you and your parents. At 18, she is probably legally able to do as she pleases, which unfortunately includes the right to be foolish, if she insists. Lee, Sister Zazi and others have useful comments here

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Rodger | 2005/11/30

Look, for all that i care she can stay with this guy, but my MAIN problem is, she change so much that no one like her anymore, not her friends, no one. . and she turn her back on my mom and dad who really love her,and gave her more than enough attention . My father told me that he was about to chase her bf out of our house, but did not because my sister changed so much we dont know if she will maybe even take her own life. Thats how much she changed.

Reply to Rodger
Posted by: rODGER | 2005/11/30

Thank you sister zazi and Lee, you see i see her bf every weekend, he's really friendly to me, he gave me no reason to dislike him, but he's kinda small guy, and maybe thats why he keep his act clean when i'm around, not that i'm a guy that will sommer punch him, but if he push me to that i will. But to punch him will not solve any problem, my sister like this guy, but i really think she's way too young, and because its her first "true" love, she's blinded!

Reply to rODGER
Posted by: Sister Zazi | 2005/11/30

Hi Rodger

Your mom has every right to dislike the guy and i know each and every household has its own rules and we all have to abide to them. Okay is your sister ready to be married at that age if the guy says he wont wait for her to finish her studies. Does he really love your sister? or else he cannot face challenges to his age group. Rodger your not wrong and it is a good thing that ur doing and for that i really admire you.

Please dont loose hope just hang in there ur sister needs you even though she cannot see it now but she will thank you in a long run. This guy has no respect, he doesnt deserve ur sister. I wish she can wake up and smell the coffee.\

GOOD LUCK

Reply to Sister Zazi
Posted by: lee | 2005/11/30

Hi rodger - ultimately its not for you to decide who your sister sees. Its unfortunate that he seems to be a bit of an oaf though :).. And i think it extremely rude that he should take such kindess for granted without even a thank you.

if he doesn't stick to your sister's rules that is also her problem... if she doesn't like it she can always leave- like I said , make sure to let her know that you will always be there for her.

Maybe he is just ultra defensive because he knows that he is not well liked.

I Don't think you are wrong for being worried about your sister... Perhaps you can try and get to know the boyfriend better... if she sees that you are making an effort to see him from her perspective perhaps she will be a bit more open to your suggestions and advice. Perhaps invite him over for a drink or whatever... chat to him (don't steamrolled the guy though) and find out what makes him tick

Reply to lee
Posted by: Rodger | 2005/11/30

You see, my parents will not say no for this guy to marry my sister if they know its what she want, this guy never asked my dad . He just mentioned it because he know my mom dont like him that much, the reason my mom dont like him that much is because even though my sister is still young he does not stick to her rules (and its normal rules, not that strict) 2nd reason is the things he say and do not say. Say: Things like impregnate my sister, and they will not let her study 4years and then mary, he cant wait that long. And then couple months ago he was in big car accident and could not walk, he stayed at our place my mother and sister took care of him, for weeks, and he did not once even said :Thank you. And when my mother told him couple days ago she was shocked that he did not even say thank you, he told her: Oh well, i was never good with Thank you's... Guys, look, if i'm wrong tell me so. I want my sister back, the one with the sparkle in the eye, and there's nothing i can do to take it. I dont want to make this guy bad, or any on that crap, i just want her to be happy, and i feel maybe she's happy now, but cant see them together for longer than 4years

Reply to Rodger
Posted by: Sister Zazi | 2005/11/30

Hi Rodger

I personally think that ur sister is still young and maybe she has her own life but what i need you to do is just invite her to supper or lunch on Sunday and go away the two of you and ask her how she feels and hear her side of story and dont be harsh on her and maybe you will get her point.

Is your family denying this guy to marry your sister?and if yes why?

This guys behaviour is not good just to go and tell ur parents that he will impregnant her is stinky he has no right or whatso ever to talk to your parents the way he did. If he really love your sister he should understand the rules and regulations of your family and learn to respect your parents.

I do have brothers and we talk and if i feel like this decision that im about to take is not good i would call them and ask for their opinions. What i have learned is i will never put my family the second best to a boyfriend, the family is always there and there is a guarantee that they trully love you unlike a b/friend he is here for now and at anytime he can break up with you there is no guarantee.

It shows that you want whats best for your sister. Tell me what is your sister doing?studying.......

I wish u all the best!!

Reply to Sister Zazi
Posted by: lee | 2005/11/30

You don't say whether your family has been pressurising her to leave this guys.. which is probably the case for them to set an ultimatum like that. Perhaps she is so unhappy becaue you guys don't want her to be with her b/f?

If that is not the case, what time of person is he in general? Is he the loving, soft romantic kind or the pushy kind.

Perhaps have a chat to your sister and really listen to what she has to say instead of trying to push your opinion on her. PErhaps she will then open up to you and tell you what is really going on.

People tend to rebel against being forced to do things. I know I do and that it is probably a childinsh way of handling things. She is after all quite young still and probably very emotional about this guy. If you guys push her to choose between the boyfriend and the family, unfortunately she will probably choose the boyfriend. Why not let her know that you will be there for her regardless of what happens with the boyfriend and that she will always have a place to come home to/

Good luck .. i'm sure in time she will come round

Reply to lee

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