Posted by: Pinky | 2009/01/12


welcome back. we are 4 sisters who always had problems growing up because my mother use to play us off against each other. later on we noticed this and that is when we started forming a bond and we become very close. my one sister could never forgive my mom for things that she has done to her in the past. now she has decided to distend her self totally from my mom and all of us. according to het all the fights and disputes in the past has heard her too much and she does not want to have to do any thing with us anymore according to her we should conceder her dead. we all where hurt by each other in the past and we dealt with it and we had a wonderful relationship ever since, can you imagine the shock when she told all of us not to contact her any more? we' re all very hurt by this I also feel very sorry for my mom although she did all that things in the past it' s not a good feeling for any parent losing a child. and what hurt the most is that my children love her to bits how do I tell them not to contact her anymore?

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Our expert says:
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Hi Pinky !
Playing people off against each other, especially people who are linked, buy a relationship or work, is a sneaky tactic and often works better than it deserves to do. And forming a bond between you, recognizing and avoiding the tacitc, is a useful response. There's no reason why your sister who feels so bitter ought to forgive your mom in the sense of letting her off the hook and letting her feel that she was entitled to have done things which hurt you all. But she needs, perhaps even with the help of a counsellor, to "forgive" in the sense of letting HERSELF off the hook --- to be truly free of your mom and her manipulation, she needs to avoid remaining tied to her by all those bad feelings. She need not visit mom or even communicate with her, but should enable herself to let go of the bad feelings so she can get on with enjoying the rest of her life.
And she is also not entitled to insits that the rest of you must cut off all contact with your mom, if you happen to be handling the situation better than she does. If she expects you to respect the decision she has taken, she should accept your decisions, too.
And you say your children really love your mom. Some people aren't very good at being moms, but are much better at being grandmothers

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