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Question
Posted by: female | 2005/01/07

single, 39, dating site, fussy?

Got tired of being single and joined a dating site.....there are literally hundreds of men and i got many replies but when I look at the photos I know I won't be physically attracted to any of them!!

Whats wrong with me? I find most guys really not sexually atttractive at all.

I am not a beauty queen myself, but this dating site thing is very similar to real life situations : plenty of guys are interested in me but even though I find their company pleasant, there is no spark at all.

I am not frigid, nor lesbian....its just that only about 1% of guys get my juices flowing. That 1% is also not the hunky or attractive guys....it is just a something they have that makes physical contact wonderful instead of yuccky, as is the case with the other 99%.

Is this normal? Are other women less fussy? I know I am probably going to get replies telling me to be happy when a pleasant decent guy shows interest but really, that is not possible. There is a certain 'look' that gets a guy into the 'more-than-platonic' group and like I said, only 1 in a 100 seem to have that look and makes it possible for me to be physically attracted to them.

Help.

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Our expert says:
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Surely internet dating is far better for the health of your liver, than the bar scene ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tara | 2005/01/07

Keep on trying - I met my fiance on a dating site. He was not the best looking out of all the guys I met, but he was the one - that spark was there on both a physical and emotional level. Don;t take it too seriously though - go into it with the attitude/aim of making friends (made lots of those) and get to know they guys well via emai /phone before you decide whether or not to meet in person. Good luck xx

Reply to Tara
Posted by: Shaun | 2005/01/07

Looking at what you've just described, do you think maybe you're looking in the wrong places??? But then again, somethings take time... maybe there's a guy there that is looking for exactly what you're looking for but is also becoming despondent coz what he finds does not catch his attention. If you're serious about this, have you thought about making your on-line ad stand out more, with real compatibilities that you would appreciate in the opposite sex?

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Dude | 2005/01/07

ey!

jsut wonderin though... has happened b4...but when things r going well and all is swell... u like each other, a bit of attraction... how do u avoid action and satisfaction... fallin into a friend vibe aint always good... find priorty and up front compatiblity should lead to something other than friendship stability...

if i like da punani and its workin i wanna smack it ... if a girl feels comfortable takin her time that's also fine but eventually a punanni date will hang the fate of the friend ship line...

i know it's not all bout gettin jiggy wif mr biggy but no jiggy or hint of intimacy would prob end in a friendship story...

beers
Dude

Reply to Dude
Posted by: female | 2005/01/07

39 single, working woman, masters degree, 164 cm, 57 kgs, do a lot of sport, love the outdoors, like backpacking non-english speaking countries, love nature, the ocean, mountains. Don't drink smoke swear just fussy as hell.

Reply to female
Posted by: Shaun | 2005/01/07

May I ask you to describe yourself, including your likes... we already know what some of your dislikes are.

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Chelle | 2005/01/07

I agree that there are certain things that might you put off a man, and of course this is not what I was talking about. I was more referring to a man who you don't necessarily find repulsive, but those men who just don't do the physical things for you.
I know of many instances where best friends became lovers and had healthy long term relationships.
I do realise that you didn't just mean the physical traits - I just responded to your comment re the internet pictures you see.

In essence my message is saying that you should give those guys who don't do it for you at first glance, but who are not exactly repulsive to you another thought.

In many relationships the first thing that attracts you to a person, is the exact thing that often ends up being a problem - I think it can work the other way around too, but I am not sure about that. I am definitely not saying that if you find someone repulsive, that you should spend time there, but surely most men you meet don't fall into the repulsive group???

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: female | 2005/01/07

i wonder if it is actually possible to be physically attracted to a person later on, if it was not there right away?

experiences, anyone?

I cannot for one moment imagine that smoker's breath, or tons of lard, or the moustached TierBrigade-look, or yellow teeth, or someone shorter than me, is going to be sexually attractive later on.

To me, that sounds like advice from someone who does not enjoy sex anyway, and thinks all guys are basically the same when the lights are turned off? (please correct me if wrong)

Chelle, i have not said that my attraction to the guys I like is physically only. When I fall for someone, I like it all......looks, intelligence, personality, voice, lifestyle......not just the physical appearance.

Don't think I can agree with you saying that what is not cute now, starts being cute later on.

Reply to female
Posted by: Chelle | 2005/01/07

Try falling in love with the person and building a friendship first before worrying about the physical side of things. In the long term these are the best relationships, and when you grow to love someone for who they are, and you feel their tenderness and genuine nature, and you also know that they care about you as a person, chances are the physical attraction will grow from there.
Many relationships that start off based on that which you find physically attractive don't last that long.
Of course you should remain fussy, but if there is something you like about a person, and find him fascinating even though not attracted to him physically, take a chance and get to know him better.
Of course we want excitement and passion etc, but not being attracted to a person physically on the first glance, doesn't mean that this excitement and passion can't be stirred up in other ways.
The pictures on internet dating sites don't say it all either. So, don't go too much by that. The physical aspect is the person in their entirety - not just a face or physique, it's how they carry themself, the way their eyes wrinkle, or their expressions in reaction to you, etc. So meet those internet guys who seem to be interesting from another perspective as well.
Always remember that if you keep using the same criteria and keep doing the same things, you are going to keep getting the same results. Think out of the box a little. Maybe date younger men, or older men, whatever - think of ways of doing something different.



Reply to Chelle
Posted by: female | 2005/01/07

mmmm yah....thing is I don't do 'bitchy' and I don't have a so-called attitude......I am just not interested in most guys, but I do want a boyfriend!

That is the problem. Not me being nasty or being able to throw tantrums or being the slave of their PMS mood swings. The problem is ME not into the available dating pool and wondering why that is.

Reply to female
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/01/07

You can try and change it and it might work for a while.... but we are what and who we are....

With this man I am who and what I am (a bitch?) and he accepts me like I am warts and all! So I think be who you are, yes we can all try and be a little nicer i suppose but if the guy your c-ing is mr. right then he'll accept you as you are.

Go out tomorrow and buy one of those t-shirts?

I HAVE AN ATTITUDE......

.................................................AND I KOW HOW TO USE IT !

hee hee have a good weekend, girlfriend.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: female | 2005/01/07

not offended at all!

just wondering if I should change my attitude or if I am alright the way I am.

Reply to female
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/01/07

True i suppose ...... I've been told plenty that i'm full of sh*t ! hee hee dirrint mean to offend you girl, sorry if i did!

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: female | 2005/01/07

just when does my fussiness turn into "full of shit?"

what is a turnoff or dealbreaker for me for me might be something trivial for another!

Reply to female
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/01/07

Jip I did the ananzi dating buzz thing to and met some nice guys who just remained friends as there was just no *spark*... The best one I'd say is dine at 8 for 8 coz it's only 4 men and 4 woman sitting down to an upmarket dinner. But for me that did not work either.

Then I joined LOVE-SMS (was bored one night watching tv) I met about 3 guys (all duds!) and then I met the Porra... He's a wonderful man and I hope he's Mr. Right.

Yes it's easy for other people to say that internet dating is dusgusting etc. i just felt it's better than sitting in a bar?

Girl PLEASE be fussy - why not ? However there is a difference between being fussy and full of sh*t, remember that...not that I'm saying you are, hey dont get me wrong.

Lots of people said you must just wait it will come to you : IT DOES NOT! you gotta search and suffer till you find the right person for you.

Good luck dear.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Dude | 2005/01/07

ey there...

also tried the datin site thing... found it interestin but at the same time not so cool, loads of people to meet but even a photo is not as revealin as u would think... some people don't look so good in real life either... and granted that we recognise humanity its not anythin to do with juice flowin... i ended up leavin it ... got a load of non straight dudes lookin me up and down as well... which is flatterin but am completely into punani...

such is life on the internet...b est of luck there... things will eventually pan out if u have the time and patience...

cheers
Dude

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Shaun | 2005/01/07

Woman, that is perfectly normal. If you were physically attracted to each & every male what would that make you then???
No, you choose who you want to be with & thats the bottom line. Can you imagine getting physical with a male when you cannot stand him physically??? Wouldn't be very nice would it. Be fussy, coz you're worth it!!! Just don't be finnikky (spelling).

Reply to Shaun

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