Posted by: Sneeze | 2006/04/21

Sick + miserable with stress

Last week a lady gave good advice on how to merge my new husbands past + goods with mine in our new home. E.g. don't group all his little ornamens in one spot - spread them into spare bedrooms etc. good advice but as I sit here I am sick to the stomach a week later. There is that silence and tension in the house that really is making me miserable.....we have not completed hanging pictures because it will bring on the same problem. Thing is as I mentioned that because 90% of all the books, ornaments, picutres and furniture is from his home even our brand new home looks like his only.....if I make the slightest suggestion or comments he freezes. I know that he hates conflict and after a wonderful 5 year dating relationship I realise that in circumstances like this we clearly don't know how to communicate. I am more outspoken and not a sulky person but I do need to talk about these things and find that now I too am keeping the peace but just bottling it I am having treatment fore breast cancer this is not a healthy option and have become tearful although I have gone through 8 months of treatment very positively and been strong only to find that this is a much smaller problem SURELY we can get over it BUT HOW. I could write a letter. Am I being unfair in not wanting the whole house to be full of his late wife and his choices ????? After marrying I went to live in "their" place because it was what we had to do while doing renovations and my belonging were in storage and we were fine because the house and everything in it was still "theirs" .........I just find it so difficult to find a way round this. Please can you give urgent advice (so I can broach this this weekend and get on with enjoying this all). Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Do you really need to keep ALL those books, ornaments, etc ? COuldn't some of them be given to charity, and replaced by items you both like and share ? Again, why not get into proper marriage counselling to work on this and related issues ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tango | 2006/04/21

Sorry for this tough time! I do not think its unfair to want to put your stamp on your new home. You both have past lives and now a new one together and I certainly would want our new one to reflect that. Maybe start with one room at a time. For example, the bedroom. Make that uniquely yours.

I am a great one for writing letters when other forms of communication fail (would like CS opinion!) - it gives me time to think carefully about what I want to express and in the way I need to express so as not to be agressive or unfair.

Reply to Tango
Posted by: Ltd | 2006/04/21

The only way he will ever really understand how you feel and what's going on in your mind is if you tell him. You don't have to confront him as such. Calmly explain your feelings to him. Reassure him that you care about his feelings too and that you'd like to find a way to compromise, and that your intention isn't to obliterate the memory of his wife, but that this is your home too, and you'd like to have your things around too.
If he can't handle this, then I'd say he is being unreasonable and selfish as well.

Use this as an opportunity to grow with regards to the way you two communicate.

Reply to Ltd
Posted by: DD | 2006/04/21

Wonder how Cyber would handle this ? I would say go the letter route but how will hubby handle that and how to put into words what you are feeling without offending. Cyber?

Reply to DD
Posted by: Carli | 2006/04/21

hey Sneeze, sounds like you've been thru a pretty trying time yourself lately. i suggest that you buy and put whatever you think should go where, afterall said and done, it is your home!!! If he does'nt like it, he is then forced to say something and that means you can then discuss it in your mild manner? too hell with all this tension - it is not good for you!!!

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