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Question
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

should wife be told?

husband, age 46, 2 kids aged 10 and 12...involved with at least 2 other single women at his sport club.

should the wife be told?

man is an extremely good liar, goes to church every sunday....an extremely popular person...she does not suspect anything at all.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2007/04/13

As a wife I would want to know if my husband is cheating. During 2001 I suspected my husband was messing around with a trailer trash ho he works with - he used to leave the office exactly the same time as her - walk out either just before or just after her.When they did stock take - he would stay until 17h00 and if I called her office number, she would answer and there would be no-one else around. One day I decided I had enough and I phoned her at her boyfriend's house to confront her about it - my husband was furious and told me to apologise - needless to say I told him to f***k off as I thought he was messing around and I had every right to know. Well was I surprised when the calls started coming in fast and furiously telling me exactly what he was getting up to at work - of course he denied it, but my husband aint a good liar - goes blood red in his face when confronted with something. At least I did not pick up some dreaded disease from him. Saw an attorney, presented him with a letter informing him of impending divorce and he stopped his shite - the calls stopped, he never stays late at stock take, does not want to work over weekends, is home on time every night, no secret sms or calls on cell - always leaves it lying around etc. So I don't think he will get up to monkey business again - but to get back to the issue here, I think the wife should know what's going on - it's very humiliating when everyone else knows that your husband is a whore-monger and you are totally oblivious. Fortuneately my suspicions are ALWAYS spot on and where I have an instinct about something - I follow it!! Shame I feel so sorry for her - she is at a huge risk of contracting and STD or even worse AIDS or one of the trailer trash he is messing around with at the sports club could get herself knocked up!! I would definitely tell her as long as it is absolutely true that he is messing around - she then needs to deal with him and his whores in her own manner! Sorry, but there is only one word to describe a woman who messes around with a married man!!!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: asm | 2007/04/13

I would want to know as a married woman and think his wife deserves to know.

You can write her a letter but give as much tangible proof as you can - she deserves to know everything.

do the right thing - he should not get away with ti and his wife really deserves to know whats happening - but only if you know for certain that he is seeing otehr people. You HAVE to be 100% sure

Reply to asm
Posted by: Also a wife | 2007/04/13

I would want to know. After all - she is living in a dream world and has the right to make informed decisions. That is if she does not already suspect something is up. Wifes normally know these things subconciously. Tell her. And then leave them ALONE to handle it in their own way.

Reply to Also a wife
Posted by: A Woman | 2007/04/12

I disagree, if you get involved in someone else's relationship and they work out their issues you are left looking like a "wally" and would have probably ruined a good friendship in which case both parties would forfeit their relations with you. And just the mere fact that someone else knew the in's and out's of your relationship would be emabarassing enough.

Reply to A Woman
Posted by: Blondie.. | 2007/04/12

I say tell her - whether you were spurned or not - he deserves to have his ass kicked..by his wife...

I would rather want to know and deal with it than be made a fool of/have strangers talk behind my back.

Reply to Blondie..
Posted by: tantric | 2007/04/12

moral ground or no moral ground get him and thats expose him but dont go telling the wife your best option is get the details of the two other women wifey and well text them where he will be eg.. if he is with B then text A and wife to be there that way you kill two birds with one stone but if you really want to get him theres always work flyers billboards or my personal favourite hit him where it hurts the most his car finance or as you said popularity. we can judge you but if you feel you want to vindicate him its your choice. men cheat right but he is married and has three other women he does not deserve any mercy period and if the wife does not want to know then she is willingly killing herself and does not value who she is completely. your motives may not be great but he should get it

Reply to tantric
Posted by: ... | 2007/04/12

i would.
just dont know how i would handle it coming from a exmistress.

but hey, how would you handle it.

Reply to ...
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

Ok married women...would you want to know, or not?

must only a friend tell you, or can an exmistress also do it?

and yes....he never once used condoms.

Reply to rrr
Posted by: ... | 2007/04/12

i think the issue to take to heart here is the wife.
not telling rrr what she's done wrong.

im sure she knows this wether she want him or not.
wether she has a disease or not.

i think if it was out of revenge she would not have asked for advise, she would have done it,hey?

Reply to ...
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

Rrrrr you can't tell me that you want to protect her and have her best interests at heart.

If you were a friend you would have her best interests at heart. And hopefully if you are a friend you would not have screwed her hubby

If you are not a friend then move on. Do you plan on telling her you also hopped into the sack with him coz in the first post that never came up

Reply to RMC
Posted by: hi | 2007/04/12

i think she should know i would want to know.
i dont think we can assume she's one of those who rather not know.

shit, i dont know, but i think she has to know the truth about her husband, maybe she suspects it. but do you think she knows it's with numerous people?

i like echelle's idea. the person telling her doesnt have to be known. but the wife deserves to konw the truth. in essence it's him cheating on her, not the woma/en.

Reply to hi
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/04/12

Rrr - Maybe she already has a dreadful disease cos of her hubby.... but then again so may u , u were with him were'nt u? N by reading between da lines I can c u didnt use any protection that's y u r "scared" his wife will get a disease

U just hav sum sour grapes ...... da guy doesnt want u - let him be.... I'm not saying what he is doin is right but u want 2 wreck his wife's world cos of u'r own personal vendetta

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: John | 2007/04/12

Why would it matter to you? I tell you: stay out of it. Fiind a way to punish him, if you must, but leave her alone.

Seems to me that your concern over her contracting a disease is ruse. Let it go.

Reply to John
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

Do a search on the archives, there was some one a while back who had the same query for work affair.

But if you want to just get back at him and want to hurt him by hurting her it shows you are a very mean vindictive person. How will hurting her get at him? He obvioulsy does not care about her - you will humilate her and her kids

Reply to RMC
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

i have not been spurned, i chose to stop it.

so when i one day hear she has picked up some disease.....

Reply to rrr
Posted by: John | 2007/04/12

Its not about whether she needs the info, its about YOUR motivation to make sure she gets it.

You are looking for some form of revenge on HIM. Use your imagination and you can have some fun but telling the wife out of spite and not because you are impelled by a rigid moral code smacks of hypocrisy. Its not her you are concerned about, its your shredded and tattered dignity. Havent you hurt her enough already?

Reply to John
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

so,,,in short....if I was a friend of her, I should tell her.

but if you are not a friend, she suddenly does not need the info?

why?

Reply to rrr
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

yes, call me names, i know i deserve it.

what about him? why can he get away with everything?

Reply to rrr
Posted by: Ditz | 2007/04/12

Well I know my husband does not have the time to have an affair, he is so busy always going away on business trips and working late at the office with his secretary!

Reply to Ditz
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

Rrrrr, so if it was you and at least 2 other people --- how many others

What is your motivation for telling her? To protect her?

Perhaps she wants to project a happy image and pretend nothing is wrong

Reply to RMC
Posted by: John | 2007/04/12

Ah, I see. So now that you have been spurned you want to blow the whistle to spite the errant hubbie? You don't have the high moral ground here and it seems to me that you are doing the pantsula on the thinnest layer of ice imaginable.

Leave them to their fate. Or fete.

Reply to John
Posted by: mrs s | 2007/04/12

Personally i think that its none of your business. if my husband were cheating i'd rather not know. it might make you feel better to tell her, but who says she wants to know? remember, you'll be sleeping fine after telling her but her life will never be the same again. some people choose denial! think long and hard before you do anything that could have such a huge impact on anyone's life.

Reply to mrs s
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

i am not a friend of her. i am at the sportsclub. and also used to be involved with him.

Reply to rrr
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

No, they pretend to themselves and the world it does not matter. Think of it as if you were them - say you are her and know hubby is messing around, of the humilation of people knowing that people will talk about why they divorced. They don't think that people will also talk about how he messes around and she stays married to the git.

Reply to RMC
Posted by: John | 2007/04/12

If you are a FRIEND, a real one, then perhaps you should be guided by that relationship.

If you are simply a bystander in on a badly-kept secret, then stay out of it. You are not the morality police or an NGO version of Cheaters doing a service for nothing. In any event, if you are removed from the inner workings of any of these relationships, you run the real risk of doing more harm than good.

But, like I said, if you are a good friend of the poor wife and have her best interests at heart, then you have cause to ponder and perhaps act.

Reply to John
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/12

Write her an anonymous letter and tell her.

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: rrr | 2007/04/12

so some women who know, don't mind staying married?

what on earth for?

Reply to rrr
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

MMMM. I say yes but I don't know if I would be able to go to a wife and tell her if I were to be seeing that. I'm so naive though that I probably would not even notice it.

The thing is, he could be putting her at risk by taking something nasty back with him after his little jaunts. How do you think she would handle it?

Perhaps she does know and just hides it well?

Reply to RMC

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