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Posted by: Cheated | 2008/01/31

Should I tell?


I found out my fiancee was cheating on me. He admitted a weakness and went out to experience a fantasy.
I was devastated, but we eventually agreed to work thru our problems and we are currently seeing a therapist.
My problem with this whole thing is whenever we get intimate, I picture him with this woman! I then decided, without telling him, to do the same. I recently met a man, and had discreet sex with him. I must admit, that whenever I am intimate with my husband now, I tend to feel a bit better about him and “her”. He is extremely jealous and suspects me of wanting to do this as a revenge thing. We are supposed to be going forward now from this betrayal…But should I tell him? Or should I just keep this my secret?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

From the constant flood of questions I receive about cheating, one would think there must be a virtual epidemic of cheating going on, at least that a great many people just don['t take responsibilities within relationships at all seriously. SO he had a fantasy, and went out to "experience" it, even though this was certain to hurt you. If he has a fantasy about jumping off a cliff, will he trot off to 'experience" that, too, though that one would hurt him ?
Your tit for tat cheating was nasty and even more deliberate. From the complexities that seem to be arising --- you need to explore these facts within the therapy and with the aid of your therapist, ( rather than unfairly expecting him to remain feeling guilty and admitting his actions, while you keep yours secret ? ) and work this out more thoroughly and usefully ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: John | 2008/02/01

(Shakes head in disbelief. Leaves in disappointment at morality of nation. Resolves to ask next GF to read this post and get her viewpoint before first date).

Reply to John
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/02/01

John you are really narrow minded and tunnel visioned.

I think you are accusing me of the very thing you are doing. YOU DO NOT READ !!!!

The topic of this post was "SHE'S DONE THE DEED NOW WHAT" and "THE WAY FORWARD" your response was based on us telling mothers daughtes etc to jump into bed with men to solve infidilety. You've missed the point and the whole content of this conversation because you started being judgemental and therefore lost sight of the actual questions.

Nowhere was the question "SHOULD WOMEN, MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS "jump into bed with strangers to get even. You posed that question to substantiate your viewpoint. And we all answered that "IF IT WAS THEIR CHOICE - we would support them " NOWHERE has anybody stated that they would ADVISE OR TELL mothers or daughters to do this as the first point of recourse however the general response was that if they choose to do it, yes we would support them because we can understand why.

Secondly, the cheating was not to get even like you mentioned. Please go read again and see it was not to get even but to help with the healing. You misconscruing facts and then assume your stance is correct.

You want to us to answer the way you would like it to be. But please go READ again and see that your responses was not in context with the questions posed or the responses thereto. You once again trying to extrapolate ideas to substantiate your point of view even if it means interpreting things wrong. You only want to see a black or white answer but the rest of us KNOW nothing is black and white.

Wisened up John - mix the two colours and what do you get?

GREY AREA!!! and that is where we are at right now.
To have the ability to debate an issue one needs to read and listen not just assume and let the tongue lash before the thought has registered in the brain you should actually assess the facts.

And you my dear John, are totally missing the point, hence you will never have a convincing debate.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: Cheated | 2008/02/01

I appreciate all the replies to my post...which apparently caused quite an uproar. Thanks again for the responses...it gave me a lot to think about. I am taking it one day at a time....and I will pray that the circumstances I find myself in can be resolved... so that I can heal and live a fullfilling life

Regards

Reply to Cheated
Posted by: John | 2008/02/01

Sahara

This is getting tiresome: nowhere (again - NOWHERE) is it implied, hinted at, insinuated, suggested or stated that it is okay for males to cheat and not for females. So you wrote a whole book on nothing.

Wow - where did you get that from? Or are you that desperate to make some sort of case?

I'll ask the question again (so read it slowly): will you ADVISE your mother/daughter to have sex with someone else in order for them to deal better wit their spouses infidelity? Read it again...I do not ask if you will support them in what they decide but will you advise them to cheat as well. Try and get it right this time. As is said earlier: of course they will need support (but does that support include explicit and direct encouragement to have sex with someone else in order to better come to terms with their spouses cheating?)

And thanks for reminding me that mothers and daughters are also female - shooe, almost forgot about that!

And for the record: when some female is foolish enough to accept me as a partner, perhaps in a moment of weakness or pity, and she then cheats on me - I will definitely NOT cheat on her to get even, to increase my understanding, to have better sex with her so there goes your assumption on my bigotry.

How many more ways can I ask the same thing? Or is the new way to fix an ailing relationship with one cheating partner in it to advise the other to cheat as well? Two cheats will save a marriage?

So: will you TELL and ADVISE your sister/mother/daughter to jump into bed with someone else in order to save their marriage/relationship when their spouse cheats on them as this will allow them to live out a fantasy, understand the act better, stop them from thinking about the man and that other woman, allow them to do as a man does (and whatever other tripe is offered as justification for cheating ?

Hope that this is clear now.

Reply to John
Posted by: Feet | 2008/02/01

Good for you. Wish I had the guts to do the same when my hubby cheated on me! I have fantasy's too you know! Keep it to yourself for ever. Move on.

Reply to Feet
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/02/01

John,

In reply to your question about mothers and daughters. If you care to read my response earlier, i did answer you direct. Which is that I will support my mother or my daughter should they choose to do it the same way.

Lest you forget a mother is not just a mother she is first and foremost a woman just like a daughter becomes a woman and then eventually a mother. Maybe you should take your biased view and re-evaluate your statement. Seems like you are advocating its okay for fathers, sons and men do cheat but not women. If that is the case then needless to say you belong in the old age era.

Things have changed and women are standing up for themselves, those days of being a puppet and just accept ones fate is long gone. We have the same needs (believe it or not) like a man most of us just don't go around banging every man we meet. But when some of us do it - people like you are the first to stone us. Maybe you should grow up a little and take heed of your own words.

You talking like a bigot and come across as the condescending, judgemental type of male, which most women would not like to date. With that attitude Im sure you battling to retain a women in your life.

Not everything in life is clear cut - even though we'd like it to be that way. Unfortunately NOTHING in life is garanteed - the only garantee we DO have in life is - since the day we were born we are all destined to die. Its what you do inbetween that is called LIVING LIFE!!!

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: John | 2008/02/01

Phil, I have the plot firmly in my pocket: I did give her advice (confess, own up and take it from there) but this was rejected as she had the view that what she did was not all that wrong and that it was good for her boyfriend for her to sleep around. Yeah right, somehow I'm glad she's not my girlfriend so that she can't do things like this that are good for me.

The thing about the mother and daughter is to illustrate what a rotten idea it was and that there can be no progress for as long as she thinks it was okay to have sex with someone else.

Denial is the wrong point of departure to fix anything.

Reply to John
Posted by: Phil | 2008/01/31

John don't loose the plot, and attack what arguments are weak according to youwhat or what not . Cheater did not come for advice on if she must do it or not. she did something, and asked for advice on what to do next. so don't judge what she did, give her advice like the rest of us on what to do going forward.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Pholi | 2008/01/31

??? To answer your question , it definetly was not someone I work with . I would never do that and undermine my husband.It was someone I've met on a business trip and we've kept in contact for quite a while until he came to my city and we decided to hook up.It was purely premedidated i admit . it was not easy but it was worth it .

Reply to Pholi
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/31

The whole relationship is based on lies right from the start.  He cheats, she cheats back, he might find out, he will cheat again - its easy for him (his excuse for cheating was ridiculous).  She'll be hurt again and so the saga continues.  Its really sad, and no matter how one tries to justify cheating, it most certainly is a recipe for disaster.

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: John | 2008/01/31

The issue here is a simple one and, in my view, the question of whether reactionary or revenge infidelity is justified is straightforward. Its that simple. My view is that it is not.

Supporters of the revenge/let-me-do-it-as-well-so-that-life-can-go-on view are interestingly vague or reluctant to advise their mothers or daughters to be unfaithful. Of course they would need support, of course so, but I notice that the supporters dance lightly around the issue.

If its good for you, then how come its not good advice for your mother or daughter?

Reply to John
Posted by: butterfly | 2008/01/31

SAHARA & CHEATED SEEM TO BE THE SAME PERSON!!!

this is not just any lie its a big thing im not judging Sahara im just giving my opinion I dont see that as a problem everybody is allowed to have freedom of speech.

Reply to butterfly
Posted by: Phil | 2008/01/31

John. Life is made up of perseptions, neither yours or mine is allways right. There is general things that is not on for "everyone". Murder, rape, and child molestation is clear cut examples. But swinging, having multiple partners or even being naked in public is perseptions which differ from person to person and country to country. Even having lots of wifes could be excused by religion or culture. But think about it, it is really just a nice way for us men to have many woman and screw whoever we want. But we won't ever allow our woman to do the same. That is just how we as men operate. To come back to your point. You married to a woman for 50 years, chances are that both or at least one party did something they weren't supposed to at least once in their lifes. Some people never find out, some people do find out at some stage.But brace yourself and never sya it will never happen to you. Mariage is sacred, and one should not screw around when you are married. So Cheater's fiance maybe made a mistake, they love one another. So Cheater did what she needed to do to fix things for them so that they could work on getting married. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe in your life it will happen to you, and whta if you love your partner too much to let it go. And your partner loves you too much to give it up, but you can't get the picture out of your mind of him/her screwing someone else? And somehow getting even alloews you to forgive and forget and work on healing the mariage? You might not understand it now, but maybe if it happens to you it will become clear. Choice between not being able to work trhough your issue and eventually divorcing. or doing something that allows for you to move forward? You pick...

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Cheated | 2008/01/31

John, you obviously have not been cheated on. No, tit for tat most probably will not be the advise I would give to my mother/daughter...but then again every situation is different and people do things differently to cope...If this is the way she would need to get on with her life...I would not agree ...but I would be understanding and supportive ....and that's all i need right now...understanding...

Reply to Cheated
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

Butterfly just a question?

Have you never in your life made a mistake irrespective how big or small, did you ever tell a little "white lie" have you ever taken stationary at the office for home, have you ever lied to someone close to you to protect their feelings, have you ever openly lied to your partner about a little thing (bought clothes and said you got it etc) small things etc.

Nobody can stand here and say that cheating is worse than lying or cheating is worse than stealing or cheating is worse than abuse,,, the list goes on and on,

Bottom line is we are all guilty of some wrongdoing,,, society just depicts which is the worse but bottom line is we are all wrong-doers of some sort.

So surely we should pray for your own sins and then concentrate on others. Charity begins at home.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

John dear,

Nothing in this world is plain black or white. There are many grey areas. And if you go through life thinking that its either the one or the other, how on earth are you going to justify all your actions in life. If you're implying that choices are black and white then judging from your responses, you only life the white life- meaning always and only do the right thing. I doubt that anybody go through life just doing right. That would make you perfect and therefore a demi-god.

To answer your question, if my father cheated on my mother - well as a woman, i'd support her in her time of need and pain and whatever she decides to do as a woman first and foremost not just as my mother (which you need to differentiate the two - mother vs a woman) I would probably not be happy about it because the person who hurt her is still my father. But in the end I would support her because she needs to heal and move foward and if she has to do unorthodox things to move foward and save their marriage. Yes I will condone it.

How many "mothers" arent silently suffering because they put everybody else first at the expense of their emotional well-being. Fortunately I am not a selfish child who only sees my mother as a mother... i see her as a woman who has the same needs and wants as myself (also a woman)

And yes if I should have a daughter, my stance would be the same. I'm not perfect and neither is any human being, atleast I try to understand their reasoning and logic instead of preaching the proverbial black or white societal blabber.
For any

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: Butterfly | 2008/01/31

Cheated you brave to do what you did but 2 wrongs dont make a right. If you love some1 why should you hurt them just because they hurt you. Im not judging you God knows 1 day I maybe in your situation but once you both have cheated what kind of a future can you have?

Good luck I pray your marriage works out

Reply to Butterfly
Posted by: John | 2008/01/31

There is something so fundamentally wrong with the tit-for-tat and butter-for-fat thinking that I am truly amazed at the weight of sympathetic support and responses that Cheater/Cheated received.

In an attempt to put this into perspective, I have a question: Cheater and Pholi (and any of those that feel that tit deserves tat), if your father cheated on your mother, would you advise your mother to sleep with someone to even the score? Is this the motherly advice you would give to your daughter to help her cope with infidelity?

Really?

Reply to John
Posted by: ??? | 2008/01/31

pholi

was it a work colleague you messed around with, how did you plan this where did you do it without your husband finding out?

Reply to ???
Posted by: Cheater | 2008/01/31


Phil - The reason why I posted ?..Well, I think I was hoping that there was someone out there who would understand my behaviour. As I mentioned before, I have not and WILL not speak to my family about this because of the shame!
I need to speak to someone, and I'm not sure if I want to mention this to my therapist? I have since realised that I am not alone in this…when one goes thru a crisis…you tend to think that your cross is always heavier than the next persons…and yes, I needed re-assurance as well….

Reply to Cheater
Posted by: Pholi | 2008/01/31

Cheater : I can fully understand your standpoint because I've walked a mile in your shoes.In actual fact I did that quite recently.Hubby cheated last year and it's never been out of my mind.I never expected that it could happen in my marriage but it did. Sex life went down the drain , I could not bear making love to him , I would think of the other woman.I knew I had to do it to move on and I did it .For some reason , I feel so liberated, I can now say her name without feeling this surge of anger inside me. I now have my own little secret which no one else knows but me. Even my best friend does not know and when I planned it , I knew that I would keep this secret till I'm six feet underground. I feel good and now I feel we're now square. I can now be intimate with him without the inbitions I had earlier on and I say ,if you;re strong enough , dont tell !actually I'm appreciating my husband more, I love him more and I just cant get enough of him . As tempting as the idea is of going back to my partner in crime, I vowed that its a once off thing,no second chances.

Reply to Pholi
Posted by: PI | 2008/01/31

all the best

Reply to PI
Posted by: Cheater | 2008/01/31

Phil, I am NOT a cheater...I felt so bad after I done the deed..I even apologised to the dude for using him! I will definitely not do it again. I want to put this behind me...and get on with my life now. I want to heal! I want to work on repairing our relationship so that we both can be happy again. We are getting married in the near future and will be attending a pre marital course soon. Thanks guys for your responses. It was very therapeutical :-)

Reply to Cheater
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

Well said Phil "from a mans perspective" thanks for shedding a male perspective on things. It does help.

Cheater, I hear you. For you to be non-judgemental you actually had to do the crime yourself, otherwise you'd be cut up about it for the rest of your life and would never be able to forgive him. So to save your relationship you needed to be on his side of the fence. To "morally" justify his actions you needed to step outside the boundaries, else you would for the rest of your life have the moral conflict internally of his actions and blame yourself for not being strong enough to walk away, like so many a female/male say they would do should it happen to them. Its easier said than done. In theory we have this romantic idea that we would not tolerate cheating but in reality its a whole different ballgame.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: PI | 2008/01/31

so cheater may i ask why you posted here because you sound like a strong woman who has everything under control. It is not advice you seek what is it? reassurance that what you have done is ok maybe?

Reply to PI
Posted by: Phil | 2008/01/31

Nicely put Sahara, and I agree. Hard to understand the reasoning, but it does make sense if you really thibk about it a little.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Cheater | 2008/01/31

PI. In the beginning of our relationship, I swore that I would walk out on him if he ever cheated on me. Well it happened, and I asked myself, Then why didn't you leave him?? There are many more positive, good reasons for me NOT to leave him, and yes, he made a VERY bad mistake, but we DO love each other and want to make this work. Once again I did what I thought best for me to move on...and you know what? I feel better already! Now I can move forward...and will think twice of throwing his infidelity in his face, cos now I will think of mine! There are reason why I did this... which I don't expect many of you to understand...

Reply to Cheater
Posted by: Phil | 2008/01/31

Hi Cheater

From a mans point, I cheated but was never caught. My x cheated on many occasions and I left her. But I have to agree with what you done. You are not really a cheater by heart, you only did something to help you cope. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GO AND DO IT AGAIAN NOW! But I think what you did was good for you and for helping you forgive. In the end you both did something wrong, and by not being able to work through it is a sure failure. But now you are able to at least look forward. I understand why you did what you did. My advice: Don't tell anyone, put it behind you and carry on. If you tell him then things might get out of hand. Keep it to yourself, but don't "becom" a real cheater ok.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

To So Sad

That was in the past - women being labelled. Things have changed and women today have equal standing with regards to sexuality and promiscuity.

But most importantly, one should not lead your life based on others opinions, one should lead your life whichever way makes you happy. Society can never be pleased no matter what you do. So then please yourself and life a full life.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: PI | 2008/01/31

yeah ii think people deal with things differently

anyway cheater you are not alone in your actions most people would probably have done what you did, so dont feel guilty.

hope you feel better maybe take some time out to reflect what is going on in your life at the moment and ask yourself where you would like to be in the near future.

Reply to PI
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

(((HUG))) for you Cheater, it aint easy but a girls got to do what a girls got to do!!!

PI i understand what you mean.. but not everybody wants to walk away. Sometimes its easier said than done.

Glad to hear you and your partner have an understanding.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: So Sad | 2008/01/31

What your partner did was 'acceptable' to him - what you have done will NOT be acceptable to him - remember the men get a feather in their caps when they are unfaithful - women get kicked out and called all sorts of names! Whatever you have done, keep it to yourself!

Reply to So Sad
Posted by: Cheater | 2008/01/31

Sahara, You are SO RIGHT! That's the exact reason I did it! And I will NEVER do it again, besides if I wanted it to be a tit for tat thing, then why am I not wanting to tell him about it? Surely if it was just a revenge thing, I would WANT him to know about it?? Yes, this was for MY healing...not his or ours..Now I can move on and heal OUR relationship...Thank you Sahara for understanding...I did what I thought was best for ME to move on, and I do not expect you guys to undersatnd. believe me, if this did not happen to me, I most probably would've responded like John, CS etc...But put yourself in a situation first...before you judge others. I never in a million years expected this to happen to me...but it did.

Reply to Cheater
Posted by: PI | 2008/01/31

i can understand what cheated is going through and i can relate to your story sahara. cheating is a majir issue with my fiance and i we talk about it on occasion and neither wants the other to cheat and we always find assurance in each other that this wont happen. I know its not possible for me to cheat on my fiance and i know she wouldnt cheat on me but if she did i dont think i'd be able to cheat on her to get even or maybe to feel better or not so cheated i guess. The hardest thing for me would be to walk away from the relationship but thats exactly what i'd do if i was cheated on.

Reply to PI
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

PI no I have never cheated before, but not saying its impossible.

I mentioned that a close friend has been in the same situation as Cheater, and I stood by her irrespective if she handled it her way. She needed to heal and stop hurting and that was the way she found best.

I saw the changes in her before and after her actions and she was much better and emotionally stronger after she did the deed.

Not promoting cheating at all. Purely saying - do what is best for you and get better. Different strokes for different folks. Therapy work for some and for others it don't.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

Cheated I forgot to mention the most important thing of it all was that my friend could forgive herself and her partner (even though he never knew about her story) she could move on and make their relationship work.

Sometimes one has to do what you have to do to make things better for yourself and others even if it means that the method is a bit unorthodox or uncoventional. She did what was necesarry for her to heal and to move forward. And if anybody wants to judge her for that , feel free. At the end of it all, she is happy and they are more commited than ever. How many "cheated on partners spend years and years of resenting the cheater before they can get closure"

Therapy is no garantee, sometimes one has to take matters into your own hands.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: PI | 2008/01/31

sahara have you cheated before my dear and if so why?

and if not why not?

Reply to PI
Posted by: Sahara | 2008/01/31

Cheated don't tell.

I can relate to your situation because I've got a close friend who was in the same situation. None of these people will understand your reasoning and they will all think it was because of spite. And they will throw the proverbial book at you because they have no idea what it feels like.

Like you said you needed to get the image out of your mind and i think to partially get your sanity back. Sometimes one needs to actually role-play and experience things for oneself to understand the reasoning of the other party concerned. For your own sanity you needed to do this to be able to be with your partner again- something that others won't understand. It has helped you get insight into why he acted on his fantasy therefore you can be more forgiving.

Yes to the rest of the people what i'm saying sounds like horse-radish, but you will know exactly what i mean.

Those who didn't walk in your shoes won't understand your question. So don't worry about being judged. People are quick to throw the proverbial book at others but they have no clue what you feel like when they have not experienced your confused state.

In my opinion dont' tell for it was not a tit for tat really it was more like an "i need to experience it first hand" situation. Something nobody will understand unless they been there and felt your pain.

Just for the record. I don't think you will cheat again it was a once off thing that you needed to do for yourself.

Reply to Sahara
Posted by: hmmm | 2008/01/31

my question to you cheated is did you enjoy the moment you had sex with another man, Was it woth it?

oh and another question; Do you think you could cheat again?

Reply to hmmm
Posted by: Cheated | 2008/01/31

John, I don’t know what this means for the future! Do you? I was betrayed like I was never before, by the man of my dreams and I have absolutely NO coping skills. I did something I’m NOT proud of, and I have NO-ONE to talk to as I am so ashamed. In a strange way, I needed to do this, for me to accept what he had done! Now what he had done..doesn’t feel so bad! Don’t you understand??!! I WILL work this thru with my therapist. Whats done is done….I will have to live with this ..

Reply to Cheated
Posted by: John | 2008/01/31

Cheated, you cannot and must not keep on convincing yourself that YOU hold the high moral ground and that what you did is acceptable because having sex with another man helps you to have sex with your fiance. The mind boggles.

You should stop having sex with your fiance until the therapy is complete and you and you fiance are able to be intimate without problems, having worked through his infidelity.

Think about what you are saying: his cheating has resulted in you having to have therapy and yet, and yet, YOU go and do the same thing to help you cope? What do you think this means for your future?

Reply to John
Posted by: Cheated | 2008/01/31

No John. I will NOT tell him or any other person. I know that it was stupid, but yet I went out and did it..WHY??
Because I DO love him and WANT to make this work, but the only thing which stopped me from moving on was the
visions I had of him and her!. And yes, the visions of him and her is now replaced with me and “the aother man” !
And yes I know later that I will think it stupid..but right now it’s helping me to look at him and allow him to touch me again.
I may decide to tell him when the time is right, but right now I did it for my own sanity! We are going for marriage counselling, which just started. So please , put yourselves in my shoes before you judge!

Reply to Cheated
Posted by: John | 2008/01/31

That was an extremely irresponsible thing to do. You say you are supposed to be going forward - how can that be when you decide to take revenge, as it were, and cheapened yourself, your values, your relationship in the process? Tit for tat? The you have to tell him, as he told you, and see if he is prepared to forgive you. You did not forgive him and you misunderstood the whole point of seeing a therapist.

I cannot believe that you did this - if what he did was something you could not come to terms with you should have left him and you would have had your dignity in tact.

Reply to John
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/31

Only you can decide if you can live with all these lies or not. You and your husband are seriously in need marriage counselling.

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: ric | 2008/01/31

It was tit for tat, don't tell. the saying goes:if you can do it I can do better.

Reply to ric

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