Posted by: nn | 2009/10/05

Should i stay or should i go??

I met a guy a month ago. We have been inseparable since then. Ever second day I am spending the night at his house. We go out to dinner, for drinks, out dancing and so on. He is an amazing person and I really do enjoy his company. Although things seem to be going good with us, I do have my doubts. Firstly he is 16 years older than me. Which is not really the problem as we do enjoy each others company and we seem to enjoy the same things. Here is where it gets a bit tricky –  he was married for 19 years and got divorced 7 months ago. It was a nasty divorce and things still seem to be very nasty between him and his ex. They have a 19 yr old daughter together but she likes me so that is ok. But it seems like this guy is very bitter and hirt about everything. His ex cheated on him. So now all the does is talk about her and how much he hates her and he new boyfriend. He even went to a party on Saturday where his ex was and he went there to go and tell her and her new boyfriend off. I am just feeling like he is not over his ex and that I am a rebound fling just to make him feel better about himself. Don’ t get me wrong –  he treats me well but this whole thing with the ex bugs me. Just the fact that he carries on the way he does about her. Another problem is that he is very insecure. I can understand that he does not trust woman because of his ex but he is actually impossible. I cannot get an sms and he thinks I am messing him around. We cannot go to a club and he gets upset if a guy just looks at me. He thinks I have a whole string of guys that I am sleeping with. And honestly I am not that kind of person and it actually hurts me to think that he would think I could ever mess him around. Meanwhile he has all these old shag buddies calling him and he always tells me about the girls he has slept with and what he has done with them. When we gout, he tells me how pretty another girl is. And I do not say anything about it and just leave it but it still hurts me. I am the onw who is scared that I am going to get my heart broken. Do I stick with him and just try and get over is “ bad”  period that he is going through or do I rather just end things now?

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Our expert says:
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Its rarel;y wise to make long-range decisions on the basis of very short acquaintance with someone you meet --- in the early stages of a relaionship everyone's on their best behaviour, and you haven't had any time to discover the snags that will arise in any relationship. And while someone is still in a nasty and bitter stage with their ex, starting new relationships is really risky. This does indeed sound very like a rebound fling. You have already seen warning signs o a possessiveness and insecurity which certainly will cause problems before long. It would be wise to look for a safe and kind way to end things now, maybe telling him that you're not ready for a close relationship no, and hope he will successfully work through his divorce, with help if necessary, and maybe you'll both meet up later when you're both in a better place to think about a relationship.
As Rally says, its not the age difference but the very large volume of unpacked baggage he is carying, that is the problem. Give him time to unpack.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Really | 2009/10/05

The age shouldn' t be a problem, it' s the buggage some people carry and this one seems to have a lot of them.

You maybe right, he is probably on a rebound. I believe that people need to heal before they can move on to a new relationship. He certainly needs to....19 years of marriage is not a joke and getting over that can take a bit of time... maybe some years.....

You seem like a nice person. ..... maybe you also need a nicer person!!!!!! Nothing aginst your boyfriend.

All the best.

Reply to Really
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/05

Older men are just not worth the effort. Trust me, i know. I was once in love with a man 18 years older than me. This man espesiially has way too many issues and he seems to be using you. Please just know that you are better than this man. he may make you feel good, and have the money to show you a wonderful time but he is just using you. Its nice having a pretty young thing on his arm, espessially one he can flaunt in front of his ex.

Reply to almost mad

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